LIVING THE LIFE

I really like the new setup in the dining room at home. And it's not just the bathroom access to the dining room television. You see, the two TVs in the front of the house are a mere 12 feet from each other. Now, I can watch more than one thing at the same time. On Sunday, I watched the Breakfast Club with mom while at the same time watching every pitch of the Cubs game. Right now, I'm watching the All-Star Game and wrestling at the same time. Though this means, my mom can do the same thing. Talk about a nightmare. I'm going to walk in here one day, and she's going to be watching Oprah and the Girls Next Door.

I CAN'T DO THIS ALL ON MY OWN. NO, I KNOW. I'M NO SUPERMAN.

The Times-Picayune has Scrubs fever. Some have been watching for years. Some are watching the reruns religiously on various cable stations. Some are just hearing others talk about it. Where is the show on my all-time TV show list? You'll have to wait and find out. 

Since I also have a running dialogue going in my mind and I'm writing this thing, I'll be John Dorian, or J.D. Also, I've been known to say girlie things and put my foot in my mouth. Therefore, I've decided, via office encouragement, to cast the rest of the sports department.

Marcus: Who else but Sacred Heart attending Perry Cox. His monologues might not be as long as the Coxer, but I can always feel one coming when I screw up. Their office rank is similar. Cox seems to be the head of the attendings and really second in command to Kelso. Marcus runs the desk. The relationship with J.D., or me, works perfect here. I'm like Marcus' newbie. His protege, if you will. And much like the series finale upcoming in May 2009, I will get that hug from Marcus. One way or the other, big guy.

Lopes: Surgeon Turk Turkleton. I mean Christopher Turk. J.D. and Turk can often be seen clowning around. Lopes and I can often be seen clowning around. Turk has a sweet tooth. Lopes gets a Pepsi and snack quite often. Turk grew a goatee to start Season 5. Have you seen Lopes lately? No word yet on whether we're going to move in together and buy a dead dog.

Bake: He might not be running the office, but he is a perfect Bob Kelso. Who has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap? Bill Baker. I thought we met. I can also see him laughing at the Sacred Fart sign. Kelso is always worried about the bottom line of the hospital. Bake doesn't like to overspend. 'I'll take a slice.' And deep down, just like Kelso, we all know Bake really does care. Plus, they kind of look alike. 

Mike: The Todd. Todd is an operating surgeon making sex jokes. Mike is an operating slot who if you talk to him one-on-one isn't foreign to a sex joke. The Todd loves giving high-fives. Mike likes giving dap. Close enough. Not to mention that both of these guys are in the best shape of anybody at their respective workplaces.

Jelly: She was trying to convince me not to make her Elliot. But somehow, we forget that she's so obviously Jordan. Jelly's favorite two shows are Scrubs and Drew Carey. Christa Miller is on both. Jordan is a cold-hearted bitch. Jelly is like the nice version of that, so to speak. She's a kind soul, but she'll snap at you like Jordan if you get on her nerves or cross her path. Jordan often ignores Perry's speeches; Jelly is gifted at ignoring conversations around her or even if I'm speaking directly to her. And, most importantly, both have beautiful baby boys named Jack. Is it just a coincidence that Jordan's daughter is named Jennifer? I think not. There is, however, no truth to the rumor that mine and Jelly's first meeting went like Jordan and J.D.'s.

Sandy: That Puerto Rican, or is it Dominican? fireball Carla. Both can be considered the office mom. Carla seems to be the go-to for advice at Sacred Heart, whether the character wants to hear the advice or not. Sandy seems to know whats what at the T-P (I don't mean this in a negative way). She's always there to lend an ear and put in her two cents or sometimes, twenty-two cents. Both always wanted to be mothers. And Season 7 of Scrubs ended with Carla saying she wanted a second child. Who else has two children?

Liam: Janitor. He's tall. He doesn't mind leaning over to slap me. He brought in moist towelettes (spelling), Kleenex and an air thingy to clean the keyboard. See, he's all about cleaning. Plus, he doesn't get benefits; I doubt the Janitor has a 401K. All we need is to get Marcus to call him Jumpsuit.

Pierce: Doug Murphy. When he was an intern, Doug always seemed to be apologizing. Pierce is a walking apology. (Sorry, Derry. Oh, my bad.) Now, we just need to get PW an endless red sucker supply.

Max: Laverne. He has the best view of the rest of the people in the office. So he can watch us like Laverne watches the drama unfold at the hospital as if it were a soap opera. They both have been at their jobs for a long time. Laverne is known to be intimidating to many of the other workers. Max can neither confirm nor deny his power over Ashton.

JRap: Dr. Wen. Both can be extremely serious but know how to enjoy a joke. Both are married. He has mentored Lopes (Turk) as a young writer (surgeon). He has been seen going over stories with Lopes. He was the lead advocate in breaking Lopes of the "he would score" habit as well as other helpful tidbits.

JYD: Hospital lawyer Ted. Derry often says his opinions as fact, much like a lawyer. Ted is the head of an a cappella group that always brings the goods. Derry, if you recall, was declared karaoke champion at the inaugural TP contest at that place off Metairie Road. (Was it Blue Moon?). Derry is often made fun of (don't worry, he knows), and Ted is tortured with insults. Ted once almost killed himself trying to do crunches. I don't think I have to make the next joke. You know where it's going.

Brick: Keith. Let's see. They have the same first name. J.D. is jealous of Keith at first. I'm jealous of Brick's ability to use 24 grids on a page and act like that's normal and easy. Brick and Keith are both Republicans. Keith once said that Reagan should be on the one-dollar bill. Or was that Brick? I get them confused. Anybody for starting to call Brick by a new nickname: Dudemeister?

Phil: Troy, the cafeteria worker. They are both bald. The janitor often scolds Troy for not contributing to his plans. Liam often needles Phil when the Cubs beat the Pirates or the Pirates screw up. Troy wants to stop messing with J.D. and just kill him. Phil sounds like he is going to kill Lamar Odom when he watches the Lakers.

D: Lonnie, who started as J.D.'s intern. Lonnie is unafraid of his boss, J.D. I might fear Marcus, but I'm pretty sure D has no need to be afraid of his chit-chat partner, especially in an eating contest. Lonnie and D also have a fondness for basketball. Lonnie was All-Conference in college; D was All-Loyola rec league, or something like that. 

I'd like to thank all the people that made this casting possible. First, myself for having an unhealthy knowledge of this TV show. My co-workers for being so similar to characters on the TV show. Bill Lawrence for creating set TV show. The fine folks at Wikipedia who helped me make a few of the matches when I was struggling. I couldn't have done it without you guys. Oh, they're giving me the hurry-up signal. OK. OK. Umm, real quick. Jelly and Lopes for planting the idea in my head. Blogspot for giving me a place to type this. Thank you and good night. Party at that bar they hang out at on Scrubs. I've always been pissed they didn't give the name of it. And for dessert, Lopes and I have pudding in our car trunks.

CITIZENS ARREST

As I'm leaving work on Monday night, I notice a cop van driving slowly underneath the bridge next to the Times-Picayune building. The van was driving along the parking lot fence. I've never seen a car there before. I keep watching. They drive all the way along the fence. One cop gets out, takes out his flashlight and shines it on the ground near the area where some people park their car during the day. A few seconds later, he gets back in, and they go to drive away. But the van got stuck for a few seconds trying to get over this hump. At this point, I'm cheering for it to stall. Not to be mean. Just for funsies. They eventually get out and get back on regular road. This isn't really important. But what the heck were they doing? Looking for drugs? A crook hiding? Blood stains? The treasure map had that spot as X? Were they looking for fertile soil to plant their crop? I feel like you need to know these things. Like what cops do on patrol. And why didn't they just pull up to that spot the normal way? You know, turning into the area from the street and not the muddy, grassy area by the fence.

ON THE DRIVE HOME

There are four stop signs and nine lights on the way from work to my house. And last night, I set my personal record. I was at a dead stop for five seconds. That's right. I caught one light and was stopped there for five seconds. I average about four a night. Three lights, I almost always get. The one light I did catch was none of those three. I always do a rolling stop at the stop signs at night. Yup, I'm a rebel. The cops aren't going to catch me. They're too busy looking for a picnic spot under the bridge by my work. Besides, I've blatantly ignored the new text messaging law at least once a day. How are they supposed to enforce that anyway? The other day I sent a text message while driving with a cop in the next lane. Take that, suckas.

PARTING SHOTS

Usually, my mom is not naive. She's quite the opposite, but apparently she doesn't think her favorite celebrities could possibly cheat.

Me: Did you hear Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman broke up?

Mom: Yep.

Me: Do you think she's fucking Matt Damon?

Mom: No. She can't be. He's married. 

As I was leaving Chuck's house Tuesday night, we had this exchange. I think it should become our permanent way of saying goodbye.

Chuckles: Stay classy, Gener.

Me: Go fuck yourself, Chuck.

THE DAILY TOP LIST

I'm a big fan of classic rock. Here's my favorite ten rock songs released before I was born.

10) Don't Stop. Fleetwood Mac. 1977.

9) Come Sail Away. Styx. 1977.

Styx only got a bad rap because most critics are cynical assholes.

8) Rocket Man. Elton John. 1972.

7) Hot Blooded. Foreigner. 1978.

6) Maggie May. Rod Stewart. 1971.

This was the first song that I memorized.

5) Hotel California. Eagles. 1976.

4) Dream On. Aerosmith. 1973.

3) We Will Rock You / We Are the Champions. 1977.

I thought this was one song until I was 17.

2) Don't Stop Believing. Journey. July 1981.

Maybe the biggest shock so far for something not being No. 1. Some of you have had the privilege of seeing me do a special dance to this song. Others have only wished they were there. Also the official theme song of the Year of Gene, which was sophomore year (2003-04).

1) Fly Like an Eagle. Steve Miller Band. 1976.

Steve Miller was my first concert. Was my favorite from the first time I heard it.