UNDERAGE DRINKING, ANYONE?

Last night was my friend Kelly's five-year high school reunion. She went to Chapelle. After work, I'm driving home to change to meet up for the after party when Paul calls me. He says that Bert wants to leave soon so just go home, change and head over to Bert's house. I told me I had to eat as well. "There's no time for that," he said. Like he's the boss of me or something. The kicker is I ate anyway and still beat him to Bert's house.
We head out to Red Eye and find Kelly dancing on a bench. There appears to be drunk girls everywhere. Here's what I've noticed about drunk girls in bars, besides the obvious. Whenever a new song starts in the joint, no matter what song it may be, the girls go crazy. Hands up in the air. Some of them scream. And they start shaking it. We don't stay too long. That placed was packed and hot. Two notes here.
-- There was no bouncer or anybody else at the door to check IDs. I just walked right in. When I went to the bar to buy a drink, I was not asked to show ID. I was just served. So was Kelly. Can you say raid at Red Eye?
-- We left by going out a door at the back. There was a little pathway with no lighting that led back out to the street some 100 feet later. A few girls sat on chairs in this pathway, apparently trying to sober up. I liked Paul's term for this little area: "Rape-alley." (More to come on this adventure.)

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom was lecturing me on turning things off today. I had the DVR player and wasn't using it. I told her she does that all the time, and I'm always turning things off after her. She said: "Oh, bullshit."
My mom was getting ready for her nails appointment. "Oh, God. Am I going to make it? Shit." She wasn't too keen on going outside in the Sunday heat. "Motherfuck, it's hot."
We were watching Celebrity Family Feud this afternoon. The category was things that are ripped. Nobody got answer No. 4. It was revealed as music CDs, which doesn't make any sense. Who takes a CD and rips it in two? My mom was also confused. She said: "That's fucked up."

DRUNK PEOPLE ARE FUNNY

Back to Saturday night. Kelly, Bert, Paul and I are now walking down the street toward Bert's vehicle. We stop at a corner to discuss our next destination. I notice a commotion out the corner of my eye. A guy is staggering down the sidewalk coming out of Red Eye, buddies in tow behind him. He loses his balance. He's clearly got a case of Six Beers. He stumbles and smacks his head against the side of a parked van. We could hear the collision from down the street. Six Beers' buddies help him up because he collapsed to the ground. He regains his footing and scoots away from them. He makes his way to the corner where we're standing. He has mud smeared all over the left side of his face from the crash landing. He tries to make his way into oncoming traffic, and a buddy saves him. The buddy says: "Russell, stop. Dude, take a cab home. We're going to pay for you to go home. Just take the cab, Russell." Russell, who I think was unable to speak, shrugged his shoulders back and forth. The rest of the crewe then pretty much forced him into the cab, though he nearly escaped from them again. If Six Beers is being obnoxious from drinking, then I shall call "a Russell" being so drunk you cause yourself physical harm and nearly death.

HOLY IRONY, BATMAN

I'm sitting in Church today. They are passing out the baskets for the first collection. You know, the one that goes into the pocketbook of the parish. Meanwhile, the choir is singing: "The Lord Hears the Cry of the Poor." But does St. Rita Parish?

CAN I GET A DAIQUIRI?

The Fantastic Four (Kelly, Bert, Paul and I) decide to get daiquiris on Veterans before heading back to Bert's house for some late-night chatting. There is a long table to order at. Paul goes up to the bar at one end, me to the other end. We are waiting to be served when this exchange goes down between a bartender and an unruly customer.
Six Beers: Just put it on my tab, dammit.
Hot server: I don't know who you are. I don't know you have a tab.
SB: Just give me my drinks.
HS: Don't piss off the bartender.
(Six Beers takes out his phone and snaps a picture of the hot server.)
HS: Why don't you just get the fuck out of here?
(Six Beers then leaves, but returns shortly after before being asked to leave again by the manager.)

Then, the hot server went for a record. The record for most times repeating a story within 10 minutes of it happening. That's right, she told nine different people the story of her and Six Beers. Trust me, I watched. She didn't continue serving. She just continued telling the story. After her fourth repeat, she decides to take the next order. But not from me or Paul. From a guy who just walked up to the counter. Paul and I exchange a WTF look. The hot server then tells the story two more times before taking my Jungle Juice order. A couple of excerpts from her recap of the story.
-- "I didn't know he had a fucking tab. I don't know who the fuck that guy is."
-- "Then the guy gets a fucking attitude like I'm supposed to know he has a tab."
-- "I wasn't in the wrong, right? I wasn't out of line, was I? He's an asshole, right?"
I think my mom would like this chick.

I'm sure you remember the now infamous Paul-hooker story. As we're driving back to Bert's, we pass Zuppardo's on Vets, and Paul, making light of himself, says: "Any hoes at Zuppardo's?"

MY WEEKLY CUBS THOUGHTS

-- It was nice to see Cubs pitchers combine for four shutout innings in Tuesday's All-Star Game. Hopefully, that gives Marmol confidence to return to his early-season form.
-- I hate the Astros. I hate 'em. No matter their record, they always give us lots of trouble in Houston.
-- Fellow diehard Cubs fan JYD went to Houston for the weekend to catch the games. He sent me this text on Sunday:
"Things overheard at an Astros game: 'Hey poppa, at halftime we can switch seats.' and 'Hey mom, this guy is a Cubs fan. I think we're sitting on the wrong side.' " Don't think you'd ever hear that in St. Louis.
-- Though struggling at the plate, Ramirez has been playing some steady defense. I've seen him make diving plays and get the runner more than a few teams in the past couple weeks. Though he makes a low throw every time.
-- MVP of the Week: Dempster. For his first road win in more than two years Sunday. Eight shutout innings and was in control in all innings but the fifth. I might have to stop calling him Dumpster. ... Nah.
-- Good to see the ninth inning Sunday. The offense was terrible in the first two games of the series.
-- Theriot just keeps getting on base. He had seven hits against Houston and now has a 13-game hitting streak. What I like more is he's been getting hits to left field more often.
-- I'm getting sick of Brenly talking about how Fontenot has surprising pop in his bat for a guy his size. We get it.
-- The Cardinals and Brewers are scary right now. I like all three teams. I'm cheering for a split between those teams this week.
-- Derrek Lee got two hits Sunday and is still above .300, but he must stop swinging at these out-of-the-strike zone breaking balls. He looks really bad on those swings. Isn't there a hitting coach in the dugout?

DANCING MY HEART AWAY

The Dolphins traded away Jason Taylor, one of my all-time favorites, for two draft picks. Ugghh. I wasn't shocked by the news, but it still made my heart quite sad. I thought he would go the way of Dan Marino (no Super Bowl jokes, please) and be a life-long Dolphin. First Zach Thomas. Now Jason Taylor. Fellow Dolphin fan Paul put it well, I think: "I don't even know if I'm a Dolphins fan anymore. I am, but not really." I don't feel quite the same way, but I feel his anger.
But let us remember the good times we had with No. 99. The interception returns for touchdowns. The fumble returns for touchdowns. Always playing hurt. Beating the blocker around the corner and sacking the quarterback. And, of course, the sack dance -- extend both hands out next to each other in a fist, then move them in opposite directions and reconnect them at a lower point after creating a circle (of glass), then cock back and punch through the circle. That was his first dance move. It's true.
Farewell, JT.
I'll miss you.

PARTING SHOTS
From another Six Beers sitting on a stool at the daiquiri place. He was talking to a pal.

"I used to do that, man. Back when I used to hunt for my family."

After a second stapler he tried using was out of staples, Marcus was a bit peeved.

"I know we're cutting back, but this is ridiculous."

THE DAILY TOP LIST
My top five hip-hop songs, with a sample lyric.

5) If I Can't. 50 Cent.
They ain't nothing they could do to stop my shine
This is God's plan homie, this ain't mine

4) Miami. Will Smith.
Everyday like a Mardi Gras, everybody party all day
No work all play, OK

3) #1. Nelly.
Why one-on-one you can't hold me if your last name was Haynes
Only way you wear me out is stitch my name on your pants

2) Lose Yourself. Eminem.
I've got to formulate a plot or end up in jail or shot
Success is my only option, failure's not ...
I cannot grow old in Salem's Lot
So here I go it's my shot, feet fail me not

1) Heart of a Champion. Nelly.
The MVP of the game, intensity still the same
I'm shooting out from my reign with Peyton Manning type aim