Paul and I were looking for something to do Saturday night. Perhaps something quiet. But we couldn't find anyone to hang out with when we decided this at midnight. So we go to Bruno's.
We're sitting at a table at 1:40 a.m. when the action picks up. Two tall, skinny whorey looking girls come in; one has a boyfriend. They sit at the table next to us. A few minutes later, the Rolling Stones' "Honky Tonk Women" comes on, and they get up to start dancing. They both dance on a Six Beers dude that was at the bar. The girl with the boyfriend takes Six Beers' Cubs hat off and puts it on. The other girl takes it from her, puts it on her head and then throws it over the bar. She showed good form, I got to say.
The girls sit back down. The single one gives Paul the eye. He plays it cool, waits a few minutes and then makes a motion for her to come sit with us. Apparently, she didn't like that he waited because she noticed his motion but didn't react except for a scowl. He was better off. Trust me. Though she did have a good arm. She might have been into a little one-on-one football game, if you know what I mean.
A tall, blonde guy walks into the bar (we'll call him Joe Cool). He runs quite the game on our single lady friend with the great arm. First he sits at a chair at their table and waves them off and mumbles, "Don't pay attention to me. I'm just sitting down." Yeah, right. A minute later, he interrupts their conversation. He tries to make a joke. They pretend to giggle.
Meanwhile, I look over to where the dancing took place. Four grown men are breaking out a new dance move. Or they were having a collective muscle spasm. Here's how it works: You lift up your pants leg a little bit to expose some skin, shake your leg like a lunatic, step forward with the leg, drop pants leg. Repeat. Don't forget to have a look on your face that says: Look at me. I'm exposing myself. I'm a bad boy. I deserve a spanking.
R. Kelly's "Ignition (Remix)" comes on, and the girls head back to do some dancing. At different points, Six Beers, Joe Cool and the boyfriend all had 2-on-1 dance time with them. The single chick takes Six Beers' Cubs hat, puts it on her head again, and then throws it over the bar again, this time hitting a bartender pouring a drink. I wonder if she has a curveball.
When everyone returns to their seat, Joe Cool goes in for the kill. He gives the single girl his card, explains the reason for the card and then says something to her that prompted this response: "I'd have to break up with my boyfriend." A minute later, the no-longer single girl gives him her number. Is it 99 percent or 100 percent that it was a fake number?
Right before we left, Six Beers comes over to their table all pissed off. "Where's my fucking hat? Seriously, where is it? I want it back, now." She just threw it; she didn't know where it landed. I was glad to see Six Beers was fond of his Cubs hat. A stumble out the gate in the second half is no reason to just let somebody take your Cubs hat and keep it. Good for him.
THE TINA CURSING CORNER
My mom returns from Hollywood Video with a few DVDs that she bought. She opens a broken one. "Son of a bitch. I have to watch when I pick up shit."
We're watching License to Wed (not a bad little film). A character walks two kids using one of those leashes. "I hate those fucking things. If you can't take care of your kids, don't have 'em."
Mom made a white cake with white icing (don't worry she makes chocolate cake too). "I messed it up. I can't get the eggs right. I had to put it in the fucking refrigerator."
I had the ArenaBowl on the second TV while watching the Cubs game. Mom goes to turn the station to watch a movie. She gives the game a strange look. "Is this fucking football?"
It starts raining. "Motherfuck. It never stops."
MY WEEKLY CUBS THOUGHTS
-- I saw Soto and Fukudome giving each other some dap in the dugout Wednesday in Arizona. They touch knuckles and give a Japanese bow to each other, then move their fists away from each other and let go of the fist while making a boom noise. I like to call it the Jap Dap. I also want to start greeting people like this.
-- Since the break, the Cubs are 4-6. In wins, they average 8.5 runs; in losses, it's 1.3.
-- It was a touching moment when Dominic threw out the first pitch Friday to Ted Lilly, who had hit Dominic in the head with a foul ball two weeks ago. Dominic suffered a skull fracture.
-- The starters have been terrific. Eight quality starts in 10 games in the second half. And in nine of the 10 games, the starter has gotten through the sixth inning.
-- Soriano got off to a slow return. I figured he was trying too hard. My thought was once he gets the first homer, he'll take off. He hit one Sunday to tie the score at 5. Let's see if he goes.
-- The bullpen really, really needs Wood. Freakin' blister. It needs lefty Scott Eyre too. It's a bit of a rag-tag operation right now.
-- MVP of the Week: Reed Johnson. I still haven't fully come around on this guy for some reason. But he had two fine defensive plays Saturday and hit a grand slam Wednesday in a game the Cubs won 10-6. He also homered Friday for a 2-1 lead.
-- Lou's been tossed twice this season, both by the same ump. I hope that guy isn't around in October. By the way, I've been worried about Sweet Lou late in games ever since he told a reporter that he didn't make a certain substitution because he had a "senior moment."
-- I like Samardzija. He's got a great fastball; if he figures out the breaking ball, he'll be good for a long time.
-- You have to feel bad for Rich Harden. 17 innings. 30 strikeouts. 2 runs. No wins.
HE'S GOT SOUL, HE'S GOT SOUL
Since I'm sure you didn't see any of it - and quite frankly, why would you? - I have three observations from ArenaBowl XXII. I promise it has little to do with the game.
1) Bon Jovi kissed a dude right on the lips when he got to the field to celebrate the victory. Smack dab on the lips. Not sure if he meant to do that.
2) There was a coaches' challenge (yah, they get two), with a split screen of a coach on the left, the ref in the middle and the other coach on the right. There was a cheerleader in the shot on the left doing her thing. Then all of a sudden, she's on the right side dancing in the frame with the other coach. Then she was back on the left. How is that possible? I was confused.
3) The Philly coach challenged a play. They let you listen to convos with the ref. Here's what went down. A San Jose guy fumbled, a Philly guy recovered, but the ruling was that the San Jose guy was down.
Ref: "What are you challenging?" (What a friggin' idiot. He's challenging the spot. No. He's challenging that it was a fumble, you idiot. Would an NFL ref ever say this?)
Philly coach: "They fumbled. We recovered. It's our ball."
Ref: "That's not a challengeable call."
Philly coach: "What? They fumbled. We picked it up clean. It's our ball."
Ref: "So, you're challenging that it should be your ball?"
Philly coach: "Yes."
Ref: "So we need to see if it was a fumble or not. And if you recovered it. Got it."
The conclusion of the challenge? I don't remember that anymore. It's the AFL.
AFTERNOON DELIGHT
As I got to Howard Avenue for work Sunday, I happen to the look at the clouds to the left. Two lightning bolts formed in the clouds and streaked from the sky. I had never seen double lightning in my life. Heck, I didn't even know that was possible. To make sure I wasn't seeing things, I googled double lightning. I didn't find much information on the subject, but I did find a couple of pictures. It can't happen very often, though.
Maybe double lightning is what Ron Burgundy and the gang saw to inspire them to sing about making the sparks ignite.
SPAIN HITS THE TRIFECTA
The Spanish are en fuego. First, Spain wins the most entertaining Euro Cup in history. Next, Spaniard Nadal beats Federer in one of the five best matches ever in the Wimbledon final. Then, Spaniard Carlos Sastre wins the most drug-free Tour de France since (umm, since I don't know when) on Sunday. That's an impressive, trifecta.
What's next? Are they going to lay the smackdown and win the United Nations Battle Royal?
PARTING SHOT
I ask Jelly how the birthday party went with Jack. She didn't seem to enthusiastic when she responded.
Jelly: "He had a great time running around on their acre for an hour and a half. And I had a great time chasing him."
THE DAILY TOP LIST
The top 5 things that I haven't done (and don't plan on doing) that a lot, if not
most, people have done or would be willing to do
5) Leave the country.
I've barely left the South, much less the country. I don't foresee ever needing a passport. I like it just fine here in the good old US of A.
Closest I've come: When I went to Detroit, I walked toward the water and saw Canada.
How this could be broken: If I got married, and the honeymoon was in Europe. Or I went to the World Cup.
4) Have premarital sex.
Closest I've come: With my high school girlfriend (this saga deserves it's own blog)
How this could be broken: 1) If I'm really drunk. 2) If I ever have a relationship that lasts more than a month. 3) If I'm close to death, and I decide I can't go out like this.
3) Get a tattoo.
I don't see myself putting permanent ink on my body. I can't grow old with that.
Closest I've come: I've had a temporary tattoo twice that lasted two weeks.
How this could be broken: If I had a girlfriend, got drunk and she then convinced me to get a little something something on my upper arm. Perhaps a fleur de lis.
2) Go to a strip club.
I'm not very into people being paid to take some of their clothes off in front of me.
Closest I've come: Every time I walk down Bourbon.
How this could be broken: When my friends start to get married, and the bachelor party is at one. So far, only my gal friends (two married, two engaged) have gotten hitched.
1) Watch a Val Kilmer movie.
I have never seen anything with Val Kilmer in it. I wear this as a badge of honor. Most people are shocked to learn this and don't believe me. Well, believe it, baby. I realized this in 2006. Before that, I wasn't doing it on purpose. Now, I kind of am, but I don't remember ever wanting to go see a movie that he happened to be in. I promise I haven't seen Top Gun (though I know some of the lines), Real Genius, the Doors, Willow, Batman Forever, Heat or the Saint.
Closest I've come: Paul, Bert and David had the perfect plan. At different points, they each casually mentioned that they had seen a movie called Mindhunters and that it was really good. By the time the third one said it, I thought to myself: Man, I've never heard of this thing, but I best be seeing it, so I don't miss any inside jokes. It backfired when someone (I forget who it was) was talking about the movie and the actors in it. This person didn't know my Val Kilmer rule. When Paul and them said one night, let's watch Mindhunters, thinking I'd go along because I had expressed interest before talking to the bean-spiller, I had to tell them their grand plan had fallen through. But it would have worked. They did pick a lesser known film.
How this could be broken: 1) I'm tricked (though I've since imdbed his movies). 2) He has a bit role in something, and I see it without realizing. 3) He has a guest appearance on a show I watch (not sure if that would count). 4) He's in a July 4 movie with Will Smith.
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