'WOULD YOU LIKE SOME COMPANY TONIGHT?'

My friend Paul is a nice guy. The kind of guy who might say

bless you to a sneezing armed robber. Which is why I wasn't

completely surprised by what happened to him the other day.

You see, he picked up a hooker. Well, he gave her a ride.

No, not like that, you sick freaks. In his car. He was driving

home down Veterans and saw a woman walking in the parking

lot of Zuppardo's by herself. So, what does the genius do? He

pulls up to her and asks if everything is alright. Alright? She's

by herself at 2:30 a.m. in an empty parking lot. No, Paul, she's

living the life. But that's just Paul. Always trying to help.

She tells him that she's had a rough day. So he offers a ride.

She gets in. They start driving. He asked where she would like 

to go. She says the Walgreens on Airline. Hint No. 1: Destination

was Airline. But Paul says OK. No problem.

On the drive:

Lady Zuppardo: "So, what do you do?"

Knight in a Nissan Versa: "I work at the Palace on Clearview. 

What do you do?"

LZ: "I'm an escort."

Silence. Mouth open. Crickets chirping. Tires screeching in the distance.

LZ: "So, would you like some company tonight?"

Of course, Paul would never do such a thing. So he politely declines.

Tells her he appreciates the offer and that she's very attractive (which

he says he meant - LZ was in her 30s, he says) but he just couldn't.

LZ: "You know, I'm beautiful on the outside and on the inside."

This really put the story over the top for me. What a great line. 

Rest easy, people. The ladies of the night on Airline have some

self-respect. Who knew? Unless that was a sex joke. Hmmmm.

Here's where Paul let me down. How do you accidentally pick up

a hooker, drive her to a destination five minutes away, have some

conversation with her and NOT ask HOW MUCH? Dammit.

I feel like I have to know these things. That would be like passing

Tom Brady on the street and not coughing out: 18 AND 1. You just

can't let opportunities like these pass you by. He blew it.

Now, I know. Once she responds with the figure, you then have to

say: No, I can't afford that. But then she might go lower. And that 

could create an awkward situation. But hey, it was already awkward.

And now we don't know the going rate on Airline. Is it 150? 300? 500?

But hey, my mom just read that story and said: "It's like 20 bucks for a

blow job." So, at least we know that.

SPEAKING OF MY MOM

She was none to happy with me this morning. Apparently, on my way 

out to dinner last night, I left in (as she said) "such a fucking hurry, you

couldn't close my goddamn door."

That's right, friends. I left the door wide open for a solid two hours.

And crazy enough, not one person accepted the open invitation. 

Well, that we know of.

I HAVE AN OFFICIAL TOP 10 FOR WILL SMITH

I saw Hancock today, and I was hoping it would be good enough 

to make my Will Smith top 10. And it was. Came in at No. 10.

But it's a solid No. 10. Brought the laughs. Brought the fun.

I didn't think it was going anywhere, but it turned out to be an

entertaining hour and thirty. Had some good lines. Will put in a solid

performance. Action scenes left something to be desired, though. 

TIME FOR THE DAILY TOP LIST 

Two for today, since I didn't post yesterday. I know. You're excited.

GENE'S TOP FIVE NON-MAIN TV CHARACTERS

I tried to pick characters that make an impression but are

rarely the focus of an episode.

1) Creed. The Office.

With his ability to remember names and overwhelming sensitivity, 

the quality control man in Scranton always brings the funny.

2) The Janitor. Scrubs.

Ah, where would this show be without Jan Itor? He hates scooter pie.

3) Eric Matthews. Boy Meets World.

My all-time favorite TV dimwit. FEEEEEENEEEYYYYY!

4) Jim Ignatowski. Taxi.

The future Doc Brown would never slow down at a yellow light.

5) Clifford Clavin. Cheers.

The oft-picked on, oft-overlooked mailman. Always ready to drop the

knowledge on a group that could care less. Any of this sound familiar?

MY TOP 10 HARRISON FORD MOVIES

For the only other actor I can go 10 deep for

1) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

Same old Indy. Much more quotable lines than Raiders.

2) Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Yes, this is the best movie of the trilogy (I don't count the 4th one).

3) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

The most comedic of the three. And dare I say, most fun to watch.

4) The Fugitive.

I find most people really like this one. But it doesn't seem to get any

respect on lists or pop culture stuff. Maybe I'm missing something.

5) Presumed Innocent. 

Who knew he could do non-action?

6) Patriot Games

7) Air Force One

8) Witness

9) Clear & Present Danger

10) Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back