GO TO THE RAVEN NEVERMORE

After work Tuesday night, I went down to Maple Street to meet my friend Greg (you remember, he let the wannabe porn star out of his sights in Florida) and Jessica, whom he has been after for like ever. It's your classic boy wants girl, girl almost lets boy have girl, boy thinks he's getting close to girl, girl tells boy to back off, girl hooks up with other guys and tells boy about it, boy sulks, girl calls boy to cry because other guys hurt her, boy thinks he has a chance. And repeat. We've told Greg to give up and forget about her, but he keeps going back for more. Maybe it's because she's a redhead. Maybe he can't get over her. But she's definitely using him, and it's upsetting to watch. Did I mention she was hot and smelled nice?

Anyway, I walk into the Raven where they are playing pool. Never heard of the Raven? Well, it used to be called T.J. Quill's. At one time, you couldn't walk by Quill's (or T.J.'s as some people called it) without seeing the crowd overflowing into the patio. It's the first place I ever had a beer. The king of underage drinking bars, Quill's was the host to many a 16- and 17-year olds. Tuesday was the world famous Quarter Beer Night, or Tiny Beer Night as my friend Jenna called it. I walked in there Tuesday at 11 p.m., and I made the count a solid 12 people. When I left twenty minutes later, the count was a stout 16. Though I'm pretty sure 11 of them were 16 or 17. (At right, the sad sight of an empty Raven. Oh how the mighty have fallen.)

When I left Bruno's at 1:50 a.m. half-drunk, Greg and Jessica were leaving the Raven. We walk to our cars together. Jessica is drunk, and I'm sure Greg is thinking this could be his time. I'm willing to bet nothing happened and if something did, she probably told him today that it wasn't going past that. In the Raven, there was another guy playing pool at the table next to them named Greg, and my friend Greg said the other Greg also had a thing for Jessica. How many guys is she currently teasing? I don't know, but other Greg was definitely giving Greg the evil eye. I tell Greg this. He says: "I know. That's been going on all night."

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

Mom is telling me she's having problems with her Ipod. "This fucking thing, I tell you. I play it last night for 50 songs. I turn it back on this morning, and it starts over from the beginning."

Later in the day, I'm updating mom's two Ipod shuffles on my computer.

Twice while looking at her list, she said: "Oh, shit."

She looks at the song on the screen by Maroon 5 called Makes Me Wonder: "Is that the one with fuck in it?" I say yes. "OK, give me that."

While doing the updating, I was also watching wrestling on TV. She was upset because I was rushing her during the process. She notices the wrestling. "Are you watching something on fucking tape while doing this?"

The updating didn't go perfectly. Some of the songs were left off one of the Ipods. I told mom I didn't quite know why that was the case. She didn't believe me. "You just don't give a shit. That's all."

WE HAVE LIFTOFF

Could I be more excited about the Rockets getting Ron Artest in a trade? No, but I can't be as excited as T-Mac, who can probably feel the first-round playoff monkey starting to ease off his back already. Artest is a beast on defense, he runs the floor, he can shoot and he can post. He's an outstanding No. 3 option.

With our current roster, there is no way Houston doesn't get out of the first round in 2009. Except for a lack of big-man depth on the bench, the Rockets are a championship team. I think they can win it. Here's our lineup: Alston, T-Mac, Artest, Scola, Yao starting. Shane Battier should be the 6th Man of the Year. The rest of the bench: Carl Landry, Chuck Hayes, Brent Barry, Luther Head and Steve Francis (yes I think he can make a comeback).

Now, if we can only stay healthy. Don't get me wrong, I'm expecting injuries. We just need some luck. When Yao and T-Mac inevitably go down, it needs to be early and not at the same time. Trading for Artest brought this immediate response from me: Champ-ion-ship.

THANKS FOR THE ADVICE, NO REALLY

I'm about to exit the bathroom at Bruno's when I notice the sign pictured to the right above the door. It says that drinking during pregnancy may cause birth defects. Well, no shit.

But why on earth is this in the men's bathroom? I mean I read about that "man" getting pregnant, but I don't think that will become commonplace. Right? Is that a normal thing in the men's room at bars? I don't think I've ever noticed this anywhere else. Not that I was looking. Do they hope men will read this and warn their pregnant wives? Or is it there in case a pregnant woman goes to the bar, gets drunk and stumbles into the wrong bathroom? Then she'll read the sign and realize she shouldn't be drinking. One life saved, right there.

It says city ordinance at the bottom, so maybe it is a requirement. But still, this sign looks more out of place than Kate Moss at an all-you-can-eat buffet.

WHAT DOES A YELLOW LIGHT MEAN?

Slow down. (Ha. Ha.) So that's what I did last night when I noticed the light up ahead turn yellow at River Road and Causeway. I didn't see it from afar, but sort of saw it at the last minute. I break to stop for the red light. Except that the light never turned red. It was just stuck on yellow. I've seen broken lights flashing yellow or red before. We all have. But I've never seen a broken light stuck on a color. That was weird.

Maybe the powers that be want all drivers to slow down in the area. You know, for safety.

FAVRE LOOKS SUPER DUPER ON THE COVER

Somebody might have already made this joke. I could be way behind here. Sorry, if I am. But do you know the real reason the Packers have told Favre they don't want him back as the starter? It's not because they have full confidence in Aaron Rodgers. They're want Favre to stay in some other capacity or will trade him because they know he's going to get hurt or have a really bad season. How do I know this? Well, Favre is on the cover of Madden 2009. It's a curse. We all know that. He only agreed to be on the cover because he thought he was retiring. Can't be cursed with injury or a poor season if you're not playing. However, the curse is back, baby. I'm thinking about buying the game, not so much to play it, but to look at it and smile every time Favre throws a pick.

He's going to suck. Remember I told you this.

PARTING SHOTS

Derry tells everyone he got a hug from outgoing AFL commish Dave Baker.

Marcus: Did he give you a big hug?

Derry: He wrapped his arms around me.

Ann: Did he wrap his legs around you, too?

The picture at right is of three girls dancing. There were more, I just didn't get them in the picture. What were they dancing to? Umm, the Spice Girls. At soon as the song hit, a large group of girls came from all corners of the bar to dance and sing together: If you want to be my lover, you got to get with my friends...

Yet another reason to stay away from the female species. Well, the young ones anyway. (Don't tell anyone, but I kind of like that song.)

THE DAILY TOP LIST

My top 5 favorite villains in movies.

5) Hans Gruber. Die Hard. 1988.

So calm. Yet so cruel. When he shot that Japanese guy in the head, we knew he meant business. Though he couldn't quite catch old Roy Rogers.

4) Mola Ram. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. 1984.

Has any other villain ever literally reached in and took someone else's heart out? Too bad he couldn't rip out an alligator's heart.

3) Capt. Dudley Smith. L.A. Confidential. 1997.

Effective because he was a police captain, and you didn't see him being the bad guy. A moment of shock that was. James Cromwell has also played a pretend good guy in the General's Daughter and in season six of 24.

2) Freddy Krueger. Nightmare on Elm Street. 1984.

1-2 Freddy's coming for you. 3-4 Better lock your door. 5-6 Grab your crucifix. 7-8 Better stay up late. 9-10 Never sleep again. This dude gave me nightmares as a kid. I'd always wake up right when he was about to kill me.

1) Dr. Evil. Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me. 1999.

The only bad guy I've openly cheered for. I said: Right and OK a lot in 1999. Maybe I should bring that back. We'll see.