I played poker for four hours last night. Don't be alarmed, but I lost 80 bucks. Hey, it could have been worse. One guy kept beating me like he was any random NFL wide receiver and I was Jason David. It was a pretty boring night until the two-hour mark when a guy I will call the "For Real Man" sat down at the table.
He had a T-shirt that said REEF (whatever brand that is) and a backward cap. I never saw the front. At the end of every other sentence, he said "for real." For instance: "The Saints got Jeremy Shockey. That's a big dude, for real. I went to Saints camp today. Brees and Shockey are going to make magic, for real."
The FRM might have stopped talking for five minutes in the two hours I played with him. I thought I talked too much. But this guy acted like the bus from Speed would blow up if he stopped talking faster than 50 miles per hour. Here are my favorite five comments he made.
-- "The Tazmanian devil got me in a lot of trouble when I was a kid. Word up."
-- (A server is getting his chips, and the dealer puts a button by him that says Chips in Transit) "Chips in Transit? What am I at the airport?"
-- "My girlfriend is down at the strip club right now trying to make some money."
-- "If the Saints win the Super Bowl, oh man, it will be so crazy. I'd have to go on maternity leave."
-- "If this were the World Poker Tour, I'd be in my cab already." (I have no idea what this means, either.)
Unfortunately for the rest of the table, the FRM started winning. These were his hold cards in three consecutive hands: Pocket aces (held up), Pocket kings (made quad kings), Pocket aces (held up). After the third hand, he recounted to the table his last three hands as if we weren't sitting right there. Every twenty minutes thereafter, he repeated the hands. For real.
The FRM's real name was revealed in a conversation with a dealer.
Dealer: "Your turn to act."
FRM: "How'd you know that was name? Are you psychic?"
Dealer: "No. I said it's your turn to act."
FRM: "Oh, I thought you said it's your turn, Dax. That's my name. I thought somehow you knew it. That was freaky, for real."
He kept telling everyone to smile and have fun. No one could do either because he was pissing them off. He didn't get the message. Every five minutes or so he would say: "Don't forget to tip your dealer. Do it, for real. They work hard." This comment was super annoying because everyone was tipping the dealer. It did lead to two entertaining exchanges, the first one being more for the sick-minded. The COB in the second incident stands for comb-over bastard.
1) FRM: "Tip your dealer. It's karma, for real."
Another dude at the table: "I had a girl named Karma once."
FRM: "Did she swallow?"
2) FRM: "Tip your dealer, for real."
COB: "No."
FRM: "Come on, man. They work hard. That's for real."
COB: "I won't tip her until she grows old and dies."
Elizabeth the dealer: "Excuse me, sir. That wasn't very nice."
COB: "Ever since that incident between you and me in 1998. I don't tip you."
Liz: "I wasn't in the casino business in 1998." (She calls over the manager and explains the situation.)
Manager: "It's your decision not to tip, sir. But don't make comments about it, please."
FRM: (Looking at the manager and pointing to the COB) "Boy, this guy is being an asshole."
Manager: "Excuse me, sir. There's no cursing in the poker room."
FRM: (Mumbles) "OK, Grandpa."
Manager: "What did you say?"
FRM: "What? What I say? I didn't say anything." (Waits for the manager to leave). "How did I get in trouble? This guy is the one being the asshole."
Did I mention that the FRM was drinking the entire two hours. Though I'm almost positive he was still sober when he sat down. He did say toward the end of the night: "Man, I could get a DUI right now. For real."
THE TINA CURSING CORNER
My mom was having trouble with the DVR today. It apparently is taping things that she doesn't want. She complained that it taped Numbers, and she went to the guide to show me. It was no longer taping it. "This shit is fucking crazy. Look at it. It's fucking gone."
I was watching the Cubs game, and my mom was watching a movie called Stop-Loss. She yelled at a character: "You ought to be the fucking president."
We were eating the leftovers from Seither's. Mom became upset because the waitress said the dish had crab clumps in between the eggplants. "This isn't clumps. It's stuffing. We got fucked."
CAN I GET A SECURITY GUARD?
I'm leaving work Thursday night when I notice the car next to mine has its lights on. It was a blue car with a Texas license plate, but I couldn't see the make of the car anywhere on it. Being the good citizen that I am, I head back into the building to alert a security person. I walk over to the booth and tell the young man the situation.
Me: "There's a car on the side parking lot with its lights on."
Security: (Nodding.) OK.
Me: "It's a blue car. (I give the plate number, though I can't recall it now)."
Security: (Nodding.) OK.
Me: "Can you like make an announcement or ...?"
Security: (Nodding). OK. (Then he mumbled something incoherently.)
If I had to guess, I would say our Texas friend needs a new battery.
PARGO PLAYING MUCHO POKER
If anyone is worried about Jannero Pargo leaving the Hornets after he opted out of his contract, don't be. Trust me. He isn't going anywhere. Three of the past four times I've been to the casino, old Mucho has been in the house. He's playing no-limit poker with stacks of red five-dollar chips and some green 25-dollar chips in front of him. I'd say he's into poker and the New Orleans scene. No need to worry. Him and Paul playing poker should be a feature in the paper. Maybe in Living. Agreed?
I have no idea how well he is doing, though. Maybe that's the reason he opted out for more money. He might need to pay off a rising gambling debt. On second thought, cancel that feature.
MY FIRST COMMENT
It took until my 25th post, but I finally got a comment. Our winner is Stephen Barrouquere. Congratulations, Stephen. You don't actually win a prize, but you do get to be an item on the Gene Pool. And isn't that reward enough? He commented about me doing this blog while at work. Then referenced the Parting Shot item about me working at a bowling alley when I get fired. Nice effort. Thank you. I would print the full comment, but none of the machines here will open up the page for the comment when I click on it. Of course, that's a seperate issue.
Now that I read it again, the headline for this item isn't the name of a Scrubs episode, but it sure could be.
THE COLOR SCHEME EXPLANATION
Many of you are probably wondering what the deal is with the colored headlines. I'm doing it to spice up the Gene Pool. We'll call it the chlorine of the blog. Here's the breakdown.
Monday: Blue Monday.
Tuesday: Purple. Purple is a Mardi Gras color.
Wednesday: Some type of light blue because the Tar Heels play a lot on Wednesday.
Thursday: Brown. It was the last usable color left and the only day without a color to go with it.
Friday: Green. That's when we get paid.
Saturday: Orange. That's the main color of a tiger. The Tigers play football on Saturdays.
Sunday: Red. Tiger Woods wears red shirts on Sundays.
PARTING SHOTS
D is watching Team USA play Canada. He saw some holes in their play.
D: They're going to get killed by Greece.
Bake: Yah. That stuff is bad for you.
Marcus took a phone call.
Marcus: Hey, Bake. We need to change some numbers in that story. ... But none of the names.
Four other workers in unison: To protect the innocent.
Marcus tells Brick he needs to show him how to blog pictures.
Me: I can show you how to blog pictures on the Gene Pool.
Marcus: Don't ever invite me to the Gene Pool again.
Me: I thought we were going to have a swimming party. You, me. Some beer. Some sun.
Marcus. Uhh. No.
Me: Come on. You definitely would win the cannonball contest.
THE DAILY TOP LIST
The next installment of my top 40 all-time TV shows.
20) Everybody Loves Raymond. Seasons: 9. Episodes: 210. 1996-2005. This is a show that kept the laughs going without using jokes and one-liners. It relied on character interaction. That's how I would make my show. Biggest other fan I know: My mom, who grew up living the Italian life. Marie reminds her of her own mother.
19) Welcome Back, Kotter. Seasons: 4. Episodes: 95. 1975-79. This one worked because of jokes and one-liners. Did you know Gabe Kaplan is an accomplished poker pro? Biggest other fan I know: Max, who does a hell of a Horshack imitation. Just ask him. He'll do it.
18) Reno 911! Seasons: 5. Episodes: 73. 2003-present. The only cop show I watch. And calling this a cop show is a stretch. This is probably the most underrated comedy of my lifetime. Biggest other fan I know: Nick.
17) House. Seasons: 4. Episodes: 86. 2004-present. House is a big-time asshole, yet you find yourself liking and cheering for him. It makes you think. It makes you laugh. He gets shot, shocked, jailed, fired, etc. Biggest other fan I know: This has been the toughest to decide so far, but I will give it to Bert.
16) Monday Night Raw. Seasons: 16. Episodes: 791. 1993-present. This was a tough one to rank because it isn't exactly a regular show. But it is scripted, episodic and has storylines. It's the only one on the list I've seen live. No offseason. No retakes. Biggest other fan I know: Paul.
He kept telling everyone to smile and have fun. No one could do either because he was pissing them off. He didn't get the message. Every five minutes or so he would say: "Don't forget to tip your dealer. Do it, for real. They work hard." This comment was super annoying because everyone was tipping the dealer. It did lead to two entertaining exchanges, the first one being more for the sick-minded. The COB in the second incident stands for comb-over bastard.
1) FRM: "Tip your dealer. It's karma, for real."
Another dude at the table: "I had a girl named Karma once."
FRM: "Did she swallow?"
2) FRM: "Tip your dealer, for real."
COB: "No."
FRM: "Come on, man. They work hard. That's for real."
COB: "I won't tip her until she grows old and dies."
Elizabeth the dealer: "Excuse me, sir. That wasn't very nice."
COB: "Ever since that incident between you and me in 1998. I don't tip you."
Liz: "I wasn't in the casino business in 1998." (She calls over the manager and explains the situation.)
Manager: "It's your decision not to tip, sir. But don't make comments about it, please."
FRM: (Looking at the manager and pointing to the COB) "Boy, this guy is being an asshole."
Manager: "Excuse me, sir. There's no cursing in the poker room."
FRM: (Mumbles) "OK, Grandpa."
Manager: "What did you say?"
FRM: "What? What I say? I didn't say anything." (Waits for the manager to leave). "How did I get in trouble? This guy is the one being the asshole."
Did I mention that the FRM was drinking the entire two hours. Though I'm almost positive he was still sober when he sat down. He did say toward the end of the night: "Man, I could get a DUI right now. For real."
THE TINA CURSING CORNER
My mom was having trouble with the DVR today. It apparently is taping things that she doesn't want. She complained that it taped Numbers, and she went to the guide to show me. It was no longer taping it. "This shit is fucking crazy. Look at it. It's fucking gone."
I was watching the Cubs game, and my mom was watching a movie called Stop-Loss. She yelled at a character: "You ought to be the fucking president."
We were eating the leftovers from Seither's. Mom became upset because the waitress said the dish had crab clumps in between the eggplants. "This isn't clumps. It's stuffing. We got fucked."
CAN I GET A SECURITY GUARD?
I'm leaving work Thursday night when I notice the car next to mine has its lights on. It was a blue car with a Texas license plate, but I couldn't see the make of the car anywhere on it. Being the good citizen that I am, I head back into the building to alert a security person. I walk over to the booth and tell the young man the situation.
Me: "There's a car on the side parking lot with its lights on."
Security: (Nodding.) OK.
Me: "It's a blue car. (I give the plate number, though I can't recall it now)."
Security: (Nodding.) OK.
Me: "Can you like make an announcement or ...?"
Security: (Nodding). OK. (Then he mumbled something incoherently.)
If I had to guess, I would say our Texas friend needs a new battery.
PARGO PLAYING MUCHO POKER
If anyone is worried about Jannero Pargo leaving the Hornets after he opted out of his contract, don't be. Trust me. He isn't going anywhere. Three of the past four times I've been to the casino, old Mucho has been in the house. He's playing no-limit poker with stacks of red five-dollar chips and some green 25-dollar chips in front of him. I'd say he's into poker and the New Orleans scene. No need to worry. Him and Paul playing poker should be a feature in the paper. Maybe in Living. Agreed?
I have no idea how well he is doing, though. Maybe that's the reason he opted out for more money. He might need to pay off a rising gambling debt. On second thought, cancel that feature.
MY FIRST COMMENT
It took until my 25th post, but I finally got a comment. Our winner is Stephen Barrouquere. Congratulations, Stephen. You don't actually win a prize, but you do get to be an item on the Gene Pool. And isn't that reward enough? He commented about me doing this blog while at work. Then referenced the Parting Shot item about me working at a bowling alley when I get fired. Nice effort. Thank you. I would print the full comment, but none of the machines here will open up the page for the comment when I click on it. Of course, that's a seperate issue.
Now that I read it again, the headline for this item isn't the name of a Scrubs episode, but it sure could be.
THE COLOR SCHEME EXPLANATION
Many of you are probably wondering what the deal is with the colored headlines. I'm doing it to spice up the Gene Pool. We'll call it the chlorine of the blog. Here's the breakdown.
Monday: Blue Monday.
Tuesday: Purple. Purple is a Mardi Gras color.
Wednesday: Some type of light blue because the Tar Heels play a lot on Wednesday.
Thursday: Brown. It was the last usable color left and the only day without a color to go with it.
Friday: Green. That's when we get paid.
Saturday: Orange. That's the main color of a tiger. The Tigers play football on Saturdays.
Sunday: Red. Tiger Woods wears red shirts on Sundays.
PARTING SHOTS
D is watching Team USA play Canada. He saw some holes in their play.
D: They're going to get killed by Greece.
Bake: Yah. That stuff is bad for you.
Marcus took a phone call.
Marcus: Hey, Bake. We need to change some numbers in that story. ... But none of the names.
Four other workers in unison: To protect the innocent.
Marcus tells Brick he needs to show him how to blog pictures.
Me: I can show you how to blog pictures on the Gene Pool.
Marcus: Don't ever invite me to the Gene Pool again.
Me: I thought we were going to have a swimming party. You, me. Some beer. Some sun.
Marcus. Uhh. No.
Me: Come on. You definitely would win the cannonball contest.
THE DAILY TOP LIST
The next installment of my top 40 all-time TV shows.
20) Everybody Loves Raymond. Seasons: 9. Episodes: 210. 1996-2005. This is a show that kept the laughs going without using jokes and one-liners. It relied on character interaction. That's how I would make my show. Biggest other fan I know: My mom, who grew up living the Italian life. Marie reminds her of her own mother.
19) Welcome Back, Kotter. Seasons: 4. Episodes: 95. 1975-79. This one worked because of jokes and one-liners. Did you know Gabe Kaplan is an accomplished poker pro? Biggest other fan I know: Max, who does a hell of a Horshack imitation. Just ask him. He'll do it.
18) Reno 911! Seasons: 5. Episodes: 73. 2003-present. The only cop show I watch. And calling this a cop show is a stretch. This is probably the most underrated comedy of my lifetime. Biggest other fan I know: Nick.
17) House. Seasons: 4. Episodes: 86. 2004-present. House is a big-time asshole, yet you find yourself liking and cheering for him. It makes you think. It makes you laugh. He gets shot, shocked, jailed, fired, etc. Biggest other fan I know: This has been the toughest to decide so far, but I will give it to Bert.
16) Monday Night Raw. Seasons: 16. Episodes: 791. 1993-present. This was a tough one to rank because it isn't exactly a regular show. But it is scripted, episodic and has storylines. It's the only one on the list I've seen live. No offseason. No retakes. Biggest other fan I know: Paul.
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