WHO DAT SAY THE SAINTS WILL GO TO THE PLAYOFFS? ME. 

In Sunday's blog, I declared the Saints season dead and was trying to arrange a funeral. All Sunday night and Monday, I kept hearing, "Well, the Saints can win out, finish 10-6, and still, it might not be enough to secure a playoff berth." No shit, I thought. They have no shot. Then, I took a closer look Monday night. My conclusion: If the Saints win out, they will make the playoffs.

You read it here first. None of this long-shot bullshit. None of this "well, they need to much help" bullshit. None of this they-have-too-many-teams-to-pass bullshit. They win all four. They're in. It's as simple as that. Let's go through my thought process. 

1) I'm giving the first wild-card berth to the second place team in the South, whether it be the Panthers or the Bucs. So, the Saints will get the final spot. (It's also possible that one of those teams loses out and finishes 9-7. But let's assume that neither tank for the sake of this post.)

2) The Redskins are 7-5. They are at Baltimore (the hottest team in the league) this weekend. That's a loss. As Sandy will tell you, the Skins aren't very good. After this week, we just need the Redskins to lose one more game: at Cincy, vs. Philly, at 49ers. Just one loss out of three. That team can't win three in a row. They're out of contention.

3) We are big-time Giants fans for the rest of the season and after this week, we become big-time Philly fans, folks. After the Giants (the best team in the league by far) beat the Eagles this week, the Eagles can at best finish 9-6-1. The Saints would be 10-6. Eagles eliminated. 

4) The Bears are playing the same game as the Saints, but we're assuming the Saints win out. That means a win at Chicago, and so the Bears could only finish 9-7. (Now, it gets more complicated. Buckle up, kids.)

5) Let's start with the Cowboys. Besides the Saints winning out, this is the most difficult part of the formula. OK. The Cowboys schedule is harder than trying to stop my mom from cursing. At Pittsburgh, vs. Giants, vs. Ravens, at Philly. (See, we want Philly to beat Washington and Dallas.) Best case scenario is the Cowboys lose three of these tough games. Heck, they could lose all four. But three losses is good enough to put them at 9-7. 

Now, they can win two games (and be 10-6 like the Saints) and the Saints still win the tiebreaker. The catch is that both losses have to be against the NFC teams (Giants, Eagles), so that the Saints finish with a better conference record (7-5 to 6-6) and win the tiebreaker. If the Cowboys win two games, but one of them is either against the Giants or the Eagles, then they would have the same conference record at 7-5. However, the Cowboys would win the common opponents tiebreaker. Believe me. I checked like seven times. 

Simple thing here is to just cheer for these good teams to beat the Cowboys. Hope you don't have a headache yet. 

6) The most complicated part of the formula is Atlanta, who will be 8-5 after the Saints beat them this week. The basic thing is that then we only need the Falcons to lose one more time and finish 10-6 just like the Saints. Schedule: vs. Tampa Bay, at Minnesota, vs. Rams. 

a) If they lose two of those games and finish 9-7, then that's easy. Saints have a better record.

b) If they only lose to Tampa Bay, the Falcons finish 10-6 just like the Saints. But the Saints would have a 3-3 division record and the Falcons would be 2-4. Saints win tiebreaker.

c) They ain't losing to the Rams, so let's not even talk about that. Let's also now assume that they beat Tampa (no road NFC south team has won a division game yet). So, we are big-time Vikings fans. We need the Vikings to win at home. They're playing pretty well and will be wrapping up a division title, so I trust Minnesota. 

d) I admit that I got help from Lopes on this part. Here's what we figured out. In the above case, both the Saints and Falcons would be 10-6, 3-3 in division, 7-5 in conference. So, it goes to common opponents. This is funny. Both would have split with Carolina and Tampa Bay. Both would have beat San Diego, Oakland, Kansas City, Green Bay, Detroit and Chicago. Both would have lost to Minnesota and Denver. 

Then it goes to strength of schedule. Delete the common opponents first. They have two sets of different opponents. So, it comes down to whose other opponents finish with a combined better record. We played Washington and San Fran. They played Philadelphia and St. Louis. I said earlier we are big-time Philly fans, which is weird here because we don't exactly want them to finish ahead of Washington. 

Let's say Washington goes 9-7 and the Eagles 9-6-1. That's a half-game advantage for the Falcons. But currently, the 49ers are two games ahead of the Rams. We just need the 49ers to finish one game ahead of the Rams. Let's go San Fran! Let's go San Fran! Please tell all your friends to start cheering for the 49ers (vs. Jets this week) and against St. Louis (at Arizona this week). As Indiana Jones would say, Trust me. 

7) Oh yeah. I might want to explain why I am so confident that the Saints will win out and finish 10-6.

a) Before the season, I picked them to finish 10-6. So did the majority of my readers.

b) No NFC south team has won a road division game this season. The Saints host the Falcons and Panthers. Win. Win.

c) The Saints are 5-0 against teams under .500. The Lions are 0-12. The Bears could be 6-7 if they lose to Jacksonville this week. Win. Win. Which reminds me, we're also big-time Jaguars fans. That might not be good, considering they suck. OK. We might need some luck in Chicago. 

8) Let's review. Saints win out. Falcons lose at Minnesota. Washington doesn't surge. Cowboys get stifled by some good teams. Giants continue steamrolling. Saints go to the playoffs and win at either Arizona or Minnesota. Then get whacked by the Giants. It's all so simple. 

Oh, and the Dolphins control their own destiny as well. Beat struggling Buffalo, San Fran (though that hurts the Saints) and Kansas City. Very easy. Then, the final weekend becomes for the division title against the Jets. The Fish would have the tiebreakers over the Pats and Jets. But you don't want me to get into all that, now do you?

See you in January. And that's the bottom line.  

THE TINA CURSING CORNER 

My mom wakes up at 4 a.m. as I'm about to go to bed. "I got another fucking message (from the Baton Rouge chick.)" I tell mom she messed up the explanation on the phone yesterday. "I thought if she heard my voice, she'd know she had the wrong number. I think she knows the other woman and what she sounds like. But she's got the wrong fucking person."

Mom hadn't actually read the new text message yet. I open it. It says: "Sorry. I did have the wrong number. I got in touch with the whore." I read that to mom. She says: "She must feel like a dick."

I tell mom that the APR on my credit card is going up. "Every one's fucking around these days."

Mom is walking around the yard. I'm sitting in the living room. I, and probably half the neighborhood, hear: "Son of a bitch!" I look out the window. Mom is looking at the cement where the pole was in the picture I took for yesterday's blog. I figure there's a crack.

Mom comes inside. "I guess it's my fault for not going out there when I heard that fucking shit. They cracked my fucking sidewalk. I guess you don't care. ... I'd rather have the pole than a fucking crack in the cement."

Mom didn't pay attention to the name of the company. "Those fuckers cracked my fucking sidewalk."

I open up the picture I took and zoom in on the truck. I can read the name of the company. And some people think my taking pictures is creepy and not useful. Fools. I tell mom the name of the company, but she can't find the listing in the phone book. "I guess I'm fucked."

Mom then calls information, gets the number and calls the company. The person she talked to says her supervisor will call back in a few minutes. "I know what he's going to say: 'You got a bunch of cracks. What the fuck difference does it make?' Well, it's going to keep going."

A few minutes later, mom says: "Wanna bet he doesn't call back?" Not three seconds, the phone rings. It's the supervisor. He tells mom he'll send somebody out to our house tomorrow. As Finney would say, stay tuned.

Mom goes back to talking about the Baton Rouge chick that had called her a whore the day before but then realized she had the wrong number. "I bet she felt like a fucking fool."

Mom looks outside. "I hate those fucking trees across the street. Pain in my ass."

FANTASY FEVER

Although the Dos Agateers have long ago been eliminated from the playoffs, we are finishing the season on a high note. We've put up some high scores in the past two weeks. This past week, we fell four points shy of the conference high on the season. And that's with our quarterback not scoring a point and our field-goal kicker not getting on the field. 

The Gene Poolers (8-5) had the most points in the league this week, thanks to Homo, Jennings, the Ravens defense and the best midseason pickup of the year Thomas Jones. I'm basically off for two weeks because no matter what happens this week, I finish in second place. Then, the next week I get a bye in the first-round of the playoffs. 

I am worried about the semifinals. My quarterback Homo faces Baltimore. I think I should bench him and then bring him back in for the championship game when he faces Philly.

PARTING SHOTS

I make a joke at the end of Monday's shift, and Jelly laughs pretty hard. I tell her that I used that joke in a blog a while back. 

Jelly (to Sandy): "I tune out half the stuff I read on there. He expects me to remember everything. 

Me: I do. You are my biggest fan.

Jelly: No. You are my biggest fan.

Retro quote: November 29, 2004 (I forgot to put this up Saturday).

I ask Greg what he says to a pretty girl who comes into Hollister.

Greg: I say, 'Hey, baby. Wanna come back to the stock room with me?' "

(Sorry, folks. I only have one more retro quote, and it's from January 24, 2005. I guess I got lazy and stopped writing down quotes. Shame on me.)

THE DAILY TOP LIST

The third installment of my top bands and definitely the most controversial group. This list includes bands that have received much criticism over the years. At first, they were liked. And then, not so much. In some cases, I went the other way. I actually thought they got better. 

10) Nickelback. 

I like how they got their name. Chad's brother worked at Starbucks and would always complain about the prices being five cents short to the next dollar. He grew tired of giving a nickel back. Chad heard the nickel back complaint so much the term stuck in his head. 

Say what you want, but they have catchy tunes, both of the soft and hard rock variety.

9) Creed.

Seems to me peeps loved the first album and then jumped off the bandwagon after that because the band got too popular for them. I like all three albums. Powerful stuff. 

8) Limp Bizkit. 

The ultimate example of people deciding not to like a band because it got too popular after the first album. I don't even have the first album because it gave me a headache when I listened to it. They still were pretty popular after the second album, but then it got cool to dislike them. 

To me, the fourth and last album is the best. I could listen to that one all day long. 

7) Green Day. 

Although "American Idiot" is my all-time favorite album, I had this band at No. 10. But since the other bands are disbanded (Nickelback's best days are behind them) and I'm assuming Green Day's next album will be good, I decided to jump them up to this spot. Plus, they did that song with U2 about the Saints. 

6) Blink 182. 

Before I got serious about making this list, they were in a tie for third. I didn't want to break the tie because I didn't want to hurt any of the bands' feelings that would fall lower. Blink was the odd man out and fell here to No. 6. Just know that the gap between them and No. 3 is minuscule. I feel like they made a lot of their music with me in mind. They get me. Er, they got me.