THE EMPEROR DIED AT THE END OF STAR WARS.

On Monday's front page of sports, I wrote the story detailing the fact that for the second consecutive season, the Saints will be couch potatoes for the playoffs.

At the Fox & Hound, I watched Jason Elam's overtime field goal officially eliminate the Saints from contention and said: "Well, there goes the miracle." Of course, if that didn't do it, the Cowboys' win Sunday night and the Eagles' win Monday night sure added the nails in the coffin. But a couple folks who weren't too up on this happening were:

1) ESPN. On their ticker today, they listed the Saints as being No. 11 in the NFC playoff picture. There was then a list of five eliminated teams. The Saints were not on that list. So, ESPN thinks the Saints still have a chance? What scenarios they looking at?

2) Nola.com. Yes, our good friends at nola.com, especially the Emperor himself David Gladow. I knew at 3:20 (or whatever time it was that Elam made his kick) that the Saints had been ousted. He figured it out probably at 8:50 p.m. (He posted at 9 p.m.) That's 5 1/2 hours later. And he couldn't even figure it out himself like I did. He posted on nola.com that "CBS Sports has confirmed" that the Saints aren't coming (get it?) to the playoffs.

Are you fucking kidding me? He had to have CBS Sports tell him this? Isn't he the emperor of New Orleans sports? He couldn't gather this information himself? All he does is sit on his couch (probably without pants on) and watch sports all day. I guess he's not too bright in the noggin.

Nola.com is supposed to be some kind of extension of our newspaper. Well, bullshit. He couldn't confirm this with us? You know, by calling the department or calling a beat writer. He had to read it on CBS Sports? (Did I mention he was more than five hours late with this?) Plus, my story isn't anywhere to be found on the site. You know, the one where the T-P (of New Orleans and not CBS) confirms the Saints have been eliminated.

Then, when you think it can't get any worse, he takes one more idiotic step forward. From his post: "Remarkably, much of what the Saints needed to transpire Sunday fell into place." Seriously? The Saints needed three things to happen Sunday. 1) Cincy over Washington. Check. 2) Tampa over Falcons. Uh, no. 3) Giants over Dallas. Uh, no. (When he posted the Cowboys were winning 7-3.) So, Emperor Gladow, you're telling me that one out of three is "much of what the Saints needed?" Were you tutored in math by Lopes?

Boy, that felt good. Moving on. Let's play the what-if game, shall we? If the Saints had won out, here's what they would still need to make the playoffs.

1) Ravens over Cowboys
2) Vikings over Falcons
3) Redskins over Eagles
4) Eagles over Cowboys
Note: If the Bucs lose to Chargers and Raiders, then only 3 of the 4 would have had to happen.

Now, let's pretend the Saints win out, finish 9-7, but the other results end up showing that the Black and Gold would have needed to finish 11-5 to make the postseason. To me, there were four blown games this season by the Saints. They only would have needed to win two of these four to make the playoffs. Sumbitch.

Washington, Denver, Minnesota and Chicago. In all four games, the Saints had the ball with five minutes to go and the game on the line*. Twice they missed winning field goals. Twice they couldn't convert third-and-1. Twice they committed long pass interference penalties on third down. Twice they had the lead in those last five minutes.

Granted, crazy shit happened in all these games. But the bottom line is: The Saints didn't find a way to win any of these close games against teams with a combined 28-24 record against teams not named the Saints. That's a decent record. But not spectacular.

All these games were winnable. Winning teams find ways to win these types of games. The Saints, however, found ways to lose them.

(* I realize this also includes the second Tampa Bay game. But I'm not counting that game with these others because road teams in NFC South division games are 0-11 this season. The list I'm using is every loss that wasn't a road division game.)

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom had a dentist appointment at 6:30 tonight. She was worried about going into the building alone at night.
Mom: I don't want to go into the elevator alone.
Me: Take the stairwell.
Mom: Yeah. Let me go into the fucking stairwell by myself.

More dentist talk. "Going to the dentist at night. With all them fucking crazies."

Mom just finished working on her toes. "Fucking toes. Took me four hours to do them."

Mom is upset with the city for not having sent the tax bill yet. "Fucking Harahan, man. I usually pay both (parish tax as well) at the same time. But fucking Harahan must be late."

DID YOU KNOW?

Did you know that an Iraqi reporter threw his shoes at George Bush the other day? I'm not kidding. He took off his shoes and hurled them at the leader of the free world. You knew this, right? Honestly, though, who throws a shoe?

There is something that's confusing me, though. Bush ducks out of the way of the first shoe, but he hardly moves for the second shoe. How did he know it was going to just miss him? Does he have that great of vision? Or does his reflexes have to recharge after a quick motion, like ducking out of the way of the first shoe?

Or was it preplanned? And Bush knew the reporter was doing that and was told he would miss on purpose. If that's the case, I wonder if they told Bush to act surprised and duck out of the way. Only he forgot to do it the second time. OK, now I'm rambling. That's all just crazy talk.

PARTING SHOTS
Jelly discovers a book written by a girl to help other girls understand the nuances of football.

Me: That would make a great gag gift.
Jelly: Like if someone got one for me, I'd gag them.

Jelly rearranged some stories in the section for the final run of Tuesday's paper.

Phil (proofing a page): Is this the whole LSU story by Varney I got here?
Jelly: Yeah. Varney went untrimmed.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
The top five nicknames I've given to other people.

5) Sparky.
I've been calling Paul this ever since I heard a story about him and his first girlfriend.

4) Trips McBalance.
I gave this one to Adam, aka, Bones Jackson. Basically, I gave a nickname to someone who went by a nickname. Trips comes from when he fell at the 1-yard line in the Loyola flag football championship game after a 50-yard catch-and-run. The Balance I got from his shoes and a bathroom incident.

3) Six Beers.
As you know, for anyone acting obnoxious as a result of intoxication. First used for a dude hitting on every girl in site after a wrestling event. He even hit on a female wrestler trying to leave the building. His friend: Dude, chill out. Six Beers: "What can I say, man? I had six beers. Six beers!"

2) Thunder.
For Richard after Hulk Hogan's character Thunder Lips in Rocky III.

1) Minkus.
For um, um. Sometimes I forget his real name because I've called him Minkus for so long. You remember the nerd character from the early years of Boy Meets World, right? Well, my friend, um, um, Minkus looks just like Minkus.

It just now came to me. His real name is Matthew.

P.S. Yes. I realize I broke the world record for questions (I counted 22) in a blog with this entry. I'll be waiting for Guinness to call. Think they will?