PICTURE PERFECT 

I got these two Christmas cards in the past week. We have JRap's daughter Ana and Jelly's son Jack. I love these cards. Could they be any cuter? I have them next to each other on top of the TV in the living room. 

Ana gave me her card herself, along with a batch of sugar cookies, which I ate in about 35 minutes. Apparently, she loves me and told her parents she wanted to give me a Christmas present. Warms the heart. I think it's because I let her play with my wristbands that one time.

I have only met Jack once. Jelly is hogging him. I am really cheering for these two kids, though. Can't you hear the wedding bells now? Now, if only their parents would ever let them meet.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

Mom wakes up and walks into the living room. "It's fucking cold out there."

I show mom a skit on SNL about calculators. She laughs at in and then says to me: "You remember when you used to have to buy a new fucking calculator every year?"

I start watching WWE's Tribute to the Troops from Iraq. I tell mom that the show will start with a message from George Bush. "You mean dick head?"

Mom and I are watching Million Dollar Password hosted by Regis Philbin. We love this show, but I keep making fun of it because Regis teases that the contestant has a chance to win $1 million like every 13 seconds. In reality, nobody will ever come close to winning the million. There's a better chance of me getting an apartment with Brett Favre. Mom is mad because I keep mocking Regis. "Gene, you're so fucking arrogant."

I'm hustling out the door to make it to work in time. "I've never heard of someone who thinks he can wake up at fucking 3 o'clock (actually, I awoke at 2:37) in the afternoon and expect to make it to work for 4."

WE COULDN'T FIT IN HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS

I love the 12 Yats of Christmas (see tomorrow's top list). I thought out loud at the Fox and Hound Sunday that there are a lot of 12 somethings (days, yats, pains) of Christmas, but no somethings of Hanukkah. What's up with that? So, Bert and I took to writing one.

We decided to call our song The Eight Days of Hanukkah. We just started singing and whatever somebody could think of on the spot, we went with it. We then changed some of them around, refined the words and declared it a masterpiece.

Disclaimer: This in no way is meant to be offensive. It's all in good fun.

On the first day of Hanukkah my true Jew gave to me: a beanie to put on my head.
On the second day of Hanukkah my true Jew gave to me: two dreidel spins
On the third day of Hanukkah my true Jew gave to me: three kosher meals
On the fourth day of Hanukkah my true Jew gave to me: four wise accountants
On the fifth day of Hanukkah my true Jew gave to me: five Torah books
On the sixth day of Hanukkah my true Jew gave to me: six stars of David
On the seventh day of Hanukkah my true Jew gave to me: seven kids' bar mitzvahs
On the eighth day of Hanukkah my true Jew gave to me: eight lit menorahs

Now, sing it like the 12 Days of Christmas. Isn't that fun? Hey, if Adam Sandler can popularize such a song, so can I.

PARTING SHOT
Marcus and I had this convo online.

Marcus: Jan. 3 is a Saturday.
Marcus: Get a date.
Me: Where we going?
Me: You know, me, you, your wife and my date.
Marcus: I don't think my wife wants to hang out with three dudes: you, me and Paul.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
My five favorite things about Christmas. The first in a week of Christmas lists.

5) No traffic for the week.
I hate traffic.

4) Opening presents.
Mostly from when I was a kid. Sometimes I'd rip off the wrapping real quick. Other times I'd take off the wrapping real neatly.

3) Christmas carols.
Top five tomorrow.

2) Mom's meatballs.
You haven't lived until you've had them. She rolled 96 of them Sunday.

1) The spirit.
Every body's in more of an uplifted mood. People are nicer to each other. More smiling. That make me happy.