I ALSO LIKE THE TERM STRUMPET

Much has been made about my dating life recently. Or should I say lack thereof? Yeah. Lack there of is more like it. AGG and others have been trying to convince me to lower my standards and just starting nailing whores. This led to a 30-minute forum at work last week. 

So, like with all my major life decisions, I left it up to the loyal readers of The Gene Pool (Welcome aboard to the newer folks. I hope you enjoyed meeting my dad, Alessa.) The poll question: Should I date a whore? 

The readers spoke loud and clear. Yes: 17. No: 10. Like it was a tie score with less than a minute left, and the Yeses drove down the field and scored on a post pattern. Who did the Nos have playing cornerback? And don't say Jason David. That boy good.

Unfortunately, the Yeses didn't realize this game was like a bet in Vegas, and the spread was Yeses by 7.5. They might have won the game, but they didn't cover the spread. Therefore, I will not be dating a whore. (Unless of course, you have somebody specific in mind like right now.)

I only know the origins of a handful of Yes votes. I do know where all the No votes originated. Thanks, guys. We beat the spread! Champagne and whiskey for everyone. The quarterback of the No team, Sandy, has a few choice words she would like to share with all of you Yes people.

"It was disappointing to see so many of the Gene Poolers vote in favor of you dating a whore. Hopefully, they will be willing to chip in for penicillin shots. Perhaps they meant well, but whores are not for dating. They are for heavily protected stress-relieving visits while Tina is out of the house. There's nothing wrong with having high expectations, and you're still young enough to wait for Miss Right. The time might come when you'll have to consider adjusting your standards. Until then, keep looking, keep the faith and keep Little Gene out of trouble."

The Gene Pool says: Powerful and hysterical. Is there a better combination? 

For the record, I consider a whore someone ready to jump in the sack in three dates or before, unless things are going really, really well and she doesn't do that sort of thing often. For example, Megan would have banged me on the first date. That's a whore. 

Now, many of you want to know my requirements for a girl . What better may to express that to you than in a song with original words in parentheses. (Clearing throat.)

I need a woman (I need a hero)

I'm holding out for a woman 'til the end of my time (hero 'til the end of the night)

She's gotta be short, and she's gotta be cute, and she's gotta be a non-smoker (He's gotta be strong, and he's gotta be fast, and he's gotta be fresh from the fight)

I need a woman

I'm holding out for a woman who loves when I rhyme (hero 'til the morning light)

She's gotta be smart, and she's gotta be near, and she's gotta be not a whore (He's gotta be sure, and it's gotta be soon, and he's gotta be larger than life)

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom's yelling woke me up at 11 a.m. "Motherfuck!" As I dozed back off to sleep, I could hear more cursing from the living room. Though I couldn't make out what she was saying.

I'm looking at this week's ads. Mom points at the TV show section. "That ain't no fucking sale."

Mom is watching some special with a lot of singing. It's a big thing for David Foster. I tell mom I never heard of him. "How do you not know who the fuck David Foster is?" 

I ask mom if that special was from last night. "Yeah. I had to tape it on my fucking VCR." She was upset because I recorded Heroes on the DVR as the second show at 8 p.m.

Some 16-year-old is singing on the special. "That girl is some fucking talented."

Mom fast forwards through a commercial break. "Too many fucking commercials. Fuck PBS."

Me: That special was on PBS?

Mom: I don't know. Channel 12. (She then fast forwards too far.) Oh, fuck. Who is this?

Later, mom is watching a soap opera as I'm walking out the door. She yells at the TV: "You two are getting really boring. Just fucking kiss and get it over with."

WHY OH WHY

It's time for another grammar lesson. Yippy. Our writers keep making this mistake. I keep changing it. It's not a huge deal, but as Ross Gellar would say: "But it is correct." The mistake is this: putting the word "why" directly after the words "the reason."

The reason why the Saints have struggled this season is (fill in the blank). The reason why Julian Wright isn't playing is (actually, I'm not sure the reason for that. Can somebody explain that one to me?) The reason why Marcus won't give me a hug is that he's afraid to confront his own emotional demons. And so on. 

The word "why" is completely unnecessary here. Better: The reason the Saints have struggled ... . Why can't any of our professional writers figure this out? You got me. Without "why" the sentence says the same thing. Add that to our growing list of non-needed words. 

FANTASY FEVER

The Gene Poolers finished the regular season at 9-5 and took home the points title. Unfortunately, that don't get me no money. I'm sitting out this week with a bye and will play in the semifinals next week. Wish me luck. 

PLAYOFF BOUND?

I'm pretty sure this should be a chart in the paper.

For Saints to make the playoffs, they must win all three remaining games and have the following happen:

1) The Falcons lose one of the next two games. (Tampa Bay, at Minnesota)

2) The Eagles lose one game. (Cleveland, at Washington, Dallas)

3) The Redskins lose one game. (at Cincinnati, Philadelphia, at San Francisco)

4) The Cowboys lose two games. (N.Y. Giants, Baltimore, at Philadelphia)

Note: If Tampa Bay loses all three of its remaining games (at Atlanta, San Diego, Oakland), then only three of the above four need to happen.

I'm thinking like on the front page. 

PARTING SHOT

We're discussing going-away parties. The topic of Finney's going-away party is brought up. 

Me: "That's going to be some party. Of course, it could be at a funeral."

THE DAILY TOP LIST

My top five bands of my time. 

5) Linkin Park.

Was No. 2 after the first two albums. Then, they took 4 1/2 years for a third one, and it wasn't as good. Thus, the slippage. 

4) The Offspring.

Here's how I discovered this band. This girl I was interested in junior year was all excited about their new album coming out. I was unfamiliar with the group. Well, I bought her the CD for Christmas, and then we started dating. It ended a few days before Christmas, and I kept the CD.

I put it in my CD player. The rest is history. I have 103 songs by them. 

3) Red Hot Chili Peppers.

The only band I have more songs of on my iTunes is the Beatles. I was disappointed in the concert I went to a few years back. But that's the only thing bad to be said about them. 

2) Fall Out Boy.

Have a new CD coming in one week. If it brings it (and I mean really brings it), then FOB will jump back into the top spot. Did you know Pete Wentz went to the first Cubs game at Wrigley under the lights back in 1988?  

You may not believe this, but as I was typing this explanation, a Fall out Boy song came on my iTunes. According to my calculations, a song by FOB comes on every 81 tracks in shuffle mode. 

1) 3 Doors Down.

I have two T-shirts. I have a live DVD. I have a live album. I have a wrist band. Yet, they are only No. 1 because of the awesomeness of the last album. This 1-2 battle is really close. Canceling that concert in Lafayette and not announcing it on their Web site is not helping their cause. On the positive side, I think my least favorite 3DD song would be in the top 10 of just about any other band.