MY (ALMOST REALLY) PRODUCTIVE DAY

Our dentist finally moved into his new building near the Lakeside Mall, some three-plus years after Katrina. Just the latest sign of recovery in the city. Tina had an appointment there for noon Tuesday. I had plenty of stuff to get done in the area, and I woke up at 9:45 a.m. to take a ride. My goal was six-fold.

1) Buy Family Guy Vol. 6 on sale at Target. Check.

2) Stop at an ATM and get money. Check.

3) Settle the 3 Doors Down ticket situation at Major Video. The guy there told me my tickets would be honored at the new show. Why didn't the band's Web site say that? Anyway, I'm going Feb. 13. Check.

(After we left Major Video, Tina dropped me off at Lakeside while she went for the second part of her epic root canal.)

4) Get my sunglasses fixed. They broke weeks ago, but with my hectic schedule (feel free to roll your eyes) I haven't been able to get to Sunglass Hut. The worker stared at the glasses for about a minute and then bam!, he popped that sucker back into place. Made me feel like a real idiot. But at least I can look cool again while I'm driving. Check.

5) Get the CD player/burner fixed in my laptop. It doesn't burn discs, and it doesn't recognize any CD you insert in there. I've been meaning to get that looked at for about two months. Again, hectic schedule (and I can see you're rolling your eyes again).

I walk in and explain the problem to the worker at the front of the Mac store. She tells me that the next available appointment is Friday at 11 a.m. Oh geez louise. Or I can leave it at dropoff where they'll look at it sometime in the next 24 hours and call to tell me the problem. F that. I want to be standing there when they examine my baby.

Begrudgingly, I accepted the appointment. Great. Two days this week with early wakeup calls. Woe is me. I give that one a quarter of a check. It didn't get done. But at least I started the process.

6) Buy a new pair of dress pants.

Before I went browsing at Dillard's and Macy's, I stopped in the food court for a smoothie. I took it to a bench and put on my Ipod as I observed the peoples in the mall. After noticing a trend in women's clothing, I surveyed the next 100 women that went by my bench. It's now a scientific fact (well, not really) that 63 percent of women wear jeans to the mall.

Tina met up with me at Dillard's after her appointment for some shopping. I tell her to meet me on the second floor. She calls back a few minutes later.

Tina: Can I ask you why you're on the second floor?
Me (looking around): This is where all the clothes seem to be.
Tina: Well, the men's department is on the first floor.
Me: Oh. I hadn't really started looking. Oops.

I find nice pants, but they are too expensive. Tina says Macy's is having a sale. I say I'm done for the day, and it's time to go home. I can go to Macy's on Friday when I bring in my laptop. So, no check. But, hey, 4 1/4 out of 6 ain't bad. I then walk toward the escalator.

Tina: Where are you going?
Me: To the escalator.
Tina: For what?
Me: Duh. To leave.
Tina: And how you going to do that through the escalator?
Me: By going back to the first floor. How do you propose leaving Dillard's? Teleportation?
Tina: What are you talking about? (Pointing.) The exit is over there.
Me: Oh. We're already on the first floor. I thought we were still on the second floor.

Yup, I'm a dumbass. Now, I bet you're thinking that Tina did some cursing on the drive around town today. Well, you'd be correct.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom and I are about to leave for the six-fold goal adventure.
Me: I hope I don't need a receipt for the laptop.
Mom: I think you threw it away with the fucking box.

We pass by Krispy Kreme, where a sign says that you get $2 off the second dozen if you buy two dozen. I tell mom that the sign has been there for more than a year. "They trying to get you to buy another fucking dozen so you gain another 30 pounds."

I have my backpack with me. Mom wanted me to put it in the trunk when we left the house, but I didn't because I wanted my pad on my lap to record her curses on the drive. When we get to Target, I open the trunk to put the bag in there. "Oh put the fucking thing in the back now so everyone can see."

When we leave Target, I lead us the wrong way out (I'm so bad with directions), and we have to walk all the way around the building to the car. Mom is pissed. But others are around, so she doesn't fully curse. "We're on the wrong freakin' side. Why did I listen to you? You went the wrong way off the freakin' elevator. Jesus Christ. I'm not in a good mood. Walking all the way around this freakin' building. I don't have time for this shit. And another thing. Do you have your f'n phone on? I'm not freakin' calling you all day when I get to the mall."

We get to the car and pull out of our spot. "Fuck. I got to go all the way around to get out of here."

On the way to the mall, I explain to mom how Derry's Netflix seems to be working faster. We put our discs in the mail Friday and he Saturday, but we both got the new discs Tuesday. "I mailed it in front of the post office because sometimes the mail man doesn't come until fucking night time."

Mom and I decided to stop for lunch on the way home since we made good timing. On the way to Copeland's, the following were said:
-- "I didn't know I was getting shot up today (at the dentist.) I'm fucking numb."
-- "What's with that store crombie and something? (I tell her the full name.) Yeah. Whatever. It's so fucking dark in there I thought it was closed. A shirt cost a 150 fucking dollars."
-- "Look at the traffic on the Interstate. Fucking ridiculous. Who would want to go get on there?"
-- (Before picking Copeland's.) "Where should we eat? How bout by the house? Fuck. I can't think of the name of it."
-- (Listening to the penultimate track of the David Cook CD.) "You got to fucking wait 10 to 15 minutes for the next song."

We have a pleasant meal at Copeland's. Then, as we're pulling into our driveway, mom has one last line. "Someone must have thought it was New Year's last night because the fucking fireworks did not stop."

PARTING SHOT
Derry tries to convince Jelly to join the T-P desk playoff picks pool.

Jelly: I don't know. I kind of like being undefeated at 1-0.
Derry: But this way you could completely dominate by winning the playoffs as well.
Brick: Then you'd be better than the Patriots.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
My top five moments of December.

5) Hornets def. Spurs. Dec. 17.
Didn't make up for Game 7, but it did feel good. Oh so good.

4) CP3 double bobblehead.
Paul and I arrived at the Arena at 4:45 p.m. for the 7 p.m. tipoff. Luckily, the freezing wind only lasted twenty minutes. And no D, you can't have it.

3) T-P Office party.
Had 20 shrimps and two jack and cokes and then went out drinking after.

2) Dolphins make the playoffs.
I forgot to credit Bob in yesterday's blog for telling me at the beginning of the season that Pennington would be a good pickup for the Fish. Sorry, Bawb. Also, extra credit for Bob because he's liked Pennington for a long time. He never gave up on him. You have to respect that kind of loyalty. Same for me and Ricky Williams.

1) Making the money in a poker tournament.
Finished 11th out of 122. It's all part of World Series lore now.