I'M A REGULAR, I GUESS

As you may have read here before, I go to Fox & Hound to watch the early Sunday NFL games. I like to watch as many games as possible, and the place is not far from my house. I also have been there just to hang out and to watch UNC games not available on regular TV. 

You might call me a regular there. After my past two visits, I realized that I definitely am a regular. This past Sunday, my waitress was Caroline, who a couple of weeks ago had sat down at my table and chatted for 15 minutes because business was slow.   

On Sunday, I have one chicken finger left from the appetizer I ordered. Caroline comes by the table and says: "Are you going to finish those this time?"

Me: Of course I am. It's just the appetizer. 

Caroline (to Paul): He comes in here all the time, and he never finishes his chicken fingers. 

Me: I do finish them. Just usually later at dinner. 

Caroline: That doesn't count. 

I then finish the last chicken finger. She comes back. 

Me: See, I finished. 

Caroline: What? You want a cookie? 

Me: Nah. I'll just take another order.

Caroline: Oh, yah right. You barely finished the first one. 

Later, I'm pacing the walkway in the dining room. The 49ers were driving for the winning touchdown late against the Dolphins. I was more nervous than David Gladow would be if I ever caught him in the street. Caroline comes by to give me a coke refill. 

Caroline: Why are you pacing so much?

Me: The 49ers are getting close. We can't lose this game. 

Caroline: I hope they stop them so you'll sit down. You're making me nervous. 

After the Dolphins defeated the 49ers (to the relief of both Caroline and me), a Steelers fan and his about 2-year-old son come into the restaurant. The kid runs into Caroline's arms. He had a Steelers jersey and eye-black on. That's hardcore. Does Phil even do that to Evan? Caroline comes to the table with the kid in her arms. 

Caroline: This is my future son-in-law.  

Me: I'm glad you have this all planned out. 

(She puts down the kid, and he runs back to his dad.)

Caroline (taking out her work pad to show me a picture): He's going to marry my daughter. Here she is. Isn't she cute?

Me: Very. I like that dress. Very cute. 

Caroline: Thank you. They'll make a wonderful couple. 

After last Wednesday's Hornets game, Paul and I stopped at the Fox  & Hound for a couple drinks. I got to chatting with the waitress. (I forgot her name.) In the hour I was there, I learned the following about her. (She told me all these things because she knows I'm a regular.)

-- She lives on the West Bank.

-- She's engaged and has an infant.

-- The only night she and her fiance have together is Friday night.

-- Her fiance works in an office close to Boomtown. (She fully explained his job and the company, but I sorta got lost in the middle of the story. Plus, I was watching the Lakers-Suns game.)

-- She doesn't have a driver's license. Her and the fiance only have one car. When he gets home from work, he brings her to the F&H and then picks her back up at closing around 2 a.m. Yikes. I also got the impression he didn't want her to have a license. 

-- She likes to work during the UFC fights because she gets big tips on those nights. 

So, there you have it. I'm a regular. Now, if only I can get the really cute waitress to notice me. 

 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER   

Paul and I are watching Monday Night Raw in my room at 3 a.m. Tuesday. Mom wakes up and walks into the living room. She screams: "Are you fucking kidding me?" I figured that meant I hadn't locked the door. But I actually left the door wide open. "My door has been open all this time. That's how mosquitoes get in. He just doesn't give a fuck. He doesn't give a fuck. ... He doesn't give a fuck about me."

After Paul leaves, I go in the kitchen and talk to mom.

Mom: Paul left?

Me: Yeah.

Mom: Did you close my fucking door?

In the afternoon when I wake up, mom was in better spirits. "I got a compliment at Wal-Mart today. I was checking out, and an employee asked me: 'Ma'am, can you get your toddler off the conveyor belt?' Fucking girl thought I had a toddler. I said, 'No. I have a son. He's 25. He lives at home.' "

Mom shows me a $34 DVD player in the Wal-Mart ad. "I was going to buy it, but then I said, 'Fuck it.' "

Mom sits down on the couch. "There ain't shit on TV right now. In January, we're gonna get fucking bombarded."

Mom says she doesn't think Pamela Anderson looks good anymore. "She's had so many boob jobs, they look like fucking cantaloupes."

Mom enjoyed the mug shot of Vince Marinello on the front page of Tuesday's paper. "You see dick face without his hair piece?"

FANTASY FEVER

I'm playing Paul in the semifinals of our fantasy football league this week. Yahoo favors his team. Yeah, the same team that finished the season 6-8 and only made the playoffs because our eight-team league has a six-team playoff. I know. I know. We're retarded. But they won't listen to me. A look at the matchup.

Paul: QB Matt Cassel, WRs T.O., Lance Moore and Steve Smith, RBs Maurice Jones-Drew and Pierre Thomas, TE Antonio Gates, Pats kicker and Philly's now-vaunted defense.

The Gene Poolers: QB Matt Schaub (in for Homo because he's playing the Ravens), WRs Roddy White, Greg Jennings and Wes Welker, RBs Thomas Jones and LDT, that Vikings TE, Philly's kicker and Ed Reed, I mean the Ravens defense.

I WILL BE THERE FOR THE STEALS RECORD

The Hornets are 14-7. Time for the second edition of Hornets thoughts.

1) David West got off to a slow start. He ain't slow anymore. I like his aggressiveness to the goal, especially since he's an excellent foul shooter, and his jumper has returned to form.

2) Dear Byron Scott, please play MoPete and JuJu. Please. Speaking of Scott, I don't think he's a good coach. I think his system is really working. But as far as coaching in the game (making adjustments, riding the hot hands, playing the matchups, etc.), he's below-average. 

His insistence of doubling Tim Duncan in last year's playoffs cost the Wasps the series. TC had him covered well enough by himself. The double teams just resulted in wide-open shots every time for the Spurs. 

3) Devin Brown has been better than I thought he would. But I still don't like him overall. He's a below-average shooter, and he scares the shit out of me when he drives because he's usually out of control. What I do like is he knows how to fast-break. 

I'd rather have MoPete playing his minutes. Brown is playing many minutes with CP3 on the floor. The beauty of the Hornets offense with Paul is that he commands so much attention. That leaves shooters open to spot up for 3. Except that Brown can't shoot. So you get a lot of Clang. Clang. Clang. 

4) I do not like Sean Marks. He has some size, but he ain't too athletic. He pushes the ball when he shoots. It's ugly. And he misses an awful lot of long jumpers. He also doesn't have any strength. I'm so confused, Byron.  What does he bring to the team, again? 

I'd rather have JuJu playing these minutes. He's long and athletic enough to defend some of the bigger guys. He shoots better than Marks. He can slash to the basket. He can handle the ball. He can create havoc for the defense. Sure, he's young and makes mistakes. But I'd rather watch JuJu mature than watch Marks suck. 

5) Peja's shooting is one of the biggest keys to the Hornets success. Probably in the top 3. When he disappeared from the Spurs series last year, the Hornets lost four out of five games. (They won the first two games of the series when Peja was lights out.)

Peja started the season slow. So did the Hornets. Peja then heated up. So did the Hornets. Peja struggled against the Celtics. The Hornets lost. Peja stuck a dagger in the Grizzlies on Tuesday night. When he gets rolling, I'm not sure the Hornets can be beat. When his shot is off, I'm not sure the Wasps can beat any of the good teams. 

PARTING SHOTS

We're finishing up a tough shift Monday night. 

Jelly: I'm surprised I didn't yell.

Bake: Oh, I think you did.

Jelly. No. I didn't.

Bake: C'mon, Gene. Back me up on this.

Me: Nope.

Bake: Bastard.

On Tuesday, Jelly is talking about how much creepy photo guy was aggravating her Monday night.

"He comes over here and is like, 'You done with photos?' No, motherfucker. It's only 9:45 p.m."

THE DAILY TOP LIST

I love Christmas music. I have a top 10 Christmas songs. It's in two parts. 

10) The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.

Yes. Yes, it is.

9) Frosty the Snowman.

Tina's snowman didn't come to life. Bummer.

8) Hark! the Herald Angels Sing.

I always hope they play this when I go to Church.

 

7) Santa Claus is Coming to Town.

Made me believe as a kid that if I didn't behave, Santa would skip my house. 

6) All I Want for Christmas.

Regina made a recording of this song for me. She had a beautiful voice.