SHOULDN'T THE NFC NORTH HAVE A TEAM CALLED THE TIGERS?

I was glad to see the Saints just beat the ever living shit out of the Lions. I hear Drew Brees even went over to a Detroit cornerback and collected his $200. I hope the 35,000 (maybe more) idiot fans who kept saying, "Oh, the Saints are going to lose to the Lions. Just you watch. They gonna give that sorry-ass team their first win" feel like jackasses now.

I taped the game and will watch it all later. I only saw about half of it Sunday because I was fully into the Dolphins-Chiefs slobber knocker. Bring on the goddamn Jets.

If you would have told me in September that the Dolphins would enter the final week of the season in control of the AFC East, I would have asked you to apologize for trying to toy with my emotions. The Dolphins did what they do best Sunday: They sucked less than the Chiefs. Thanks for the easy interception, Tyler Thigpen.

Paul and I went to the Fox & Hound as usual. This time, however, we were joined by Jacob and Bert (aka the Miller boys) and Kelly. I got there at 12:13 p.m. Apparently, the waitress tried to bet Jacob that I would sit down and order the chicken tenders. I didn't know about this when I arrived. I swear.

This is the same waitress from last week. I thought her name was Caroline. She looks like a Caroline. Actually, her name is Faren. Pronounced Karen with an "F."

Faren: What would you like?
Me: I'm going to mix it up today. Give me the cheddar cheese burger.
Faren: Are you kidding me?
Me: No. That's what I ...
Faren: I just tried to bet him you would order the chicken fingers. The one time. I can't believe you. (She slaps me on the shoulder. Then she talks to Jacob:) He comes in here every week and orders chicken tenders. He never finishes them.

The rest of the kiddies stayed for the 3 o'clock games as I paid my bill with a card after the nooners. Faren takes the thingy the bill comes in after I signed it and as she's leaving says: "Thanks. Love ya'll."

Two notes from the football conversation we had at F&H

1) I was the only one at the table who doesn't like T.O. Talk about bizzaro world. What the bleep is wrong with these people? They said the media makes it look like every thing's his fault, even when he says the right thing. I guess that's their receiver. And if we judge them for that, it's really not fair.

2) Jacob really likes Roethlisberger. I don't mind him myself. Ben had a bad day Sunday, but after he made a nice play early, Jacob wanted a replay. Jacob: "Roll that beautiful footage again."

I told him the turn of phrase he used is similar to the "Roll that beautiful bean footage" commercial. So, I told him he should modify his phrase to completely resemble the commercial.

Me: Something like, "Roll that beautiful TD footage."
Jacob: I got it. "Roll that beautiful Ben footage."

I love it. I demand a commercial.

Saints notes

1) Brees needs 402 yards for the record. I would say no shot, but the Panthers will be trying to win to get a bye. I think Payton will purposely devise a defensive strategy that allows Carolina to score. (Which shouldn't be too difficult.) That way, he can have his boy Drew throw the ball about 65 times.

For the record, I wouldn't mind if he hit 5,000. I could live with that. Just remember this if Drew does surpass Marino: Dan's 1984 season is still (and will forever be) the greatest season ever by a QB: 5,084 yards, 48 TDs, 14-2 record.

2) Saints record against teams under .500: 6-0.
Saints record against teams above .500: 2-7.
Saints record when I watch with Paul: 0-4.
Saints record when I watch with Paul and others: 1-0.

3) If the Saints would have won out (thanks a lot, Chicago), here's what they would need in the final week to make the playoffs
a) Eagles over Cowboys
b) Raiders over Bucs

And you thought I was crazy when I said it could happen all those weeks ago.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom is watching Nip/Tuck. I recognize a character from Heroes. "Her? She's the one that ends up getting fucked off the balcony." I ask for an explanation. "Yeah. They were fucking on the balcony, and she fell off to her death." (Lovely.)

Mom is cleaning the house. She's in my back room. You know what that means? "This is a nice-sized room. You could have a nice setup in here, invite some friends over with a big screen TV. But all you use in here is this desk with all these papers. These stacks of papers. This could be nice. But nooooooo. You got all this bullshit."

TV WEEK IN REVIEW

Best Christmas song. How I Met Your Mother. Barney sees a picture of Ted's kid sister and sings a parody of "I Wish You a Merry Christmas." Barney: "I wish I could see her naked. I wish I could see her naked. I wish I could see her naked and down on all fours."

Best scene. Heroes. As Pinehurst is about to explode, Peter stabs himself with the formula. His powers apparently, restart, and he grabs his brother and flies out of there. Perfect ending, especially in light of how Volume I ended.

Mid-season report. I've really enjoyed the season so far. None of my shows have pissed me off. I look forward to about six of them so much every week I can hardly control myself. And good lord, I'm adding three new shows in January. As the stupid-ass schedule works out, I'm going to be watching 8 hours of programming on Mondays. Eight.

This week's rant. Good bye, new friend. I'm so disappointed in ABC for cancelling Pushing Daisies. Sure, it wasn't the biggest ratings-getter. But it has a solid fan base (oh yeah, I've read outrage on the Internet).

Maybe, ABC, just maybe, if you had promoted it better. Oh, wait. You didn't promote it at all. You didn't let it come back after the strike in the Spring. You didn't put it in a favorable time slot. Basically, you wanted it to die. Too bad Ned can't bring it back to life for good with his magic finger and have Private Practice keel over and die.

The facts are these: The show had a great element of fantasy. It was well-acted. Great production. Solid storylines. Intriguing plot arcs. Eye candy. Romance. Humor. Drama. Murder mystery. And the cute little thing where the overhead voice said the years, months, hours and minutes the dead person was alive for.

PARTING SHOTS
There is a running joke that Jelly is an agent for Lopes and me. (From Saturday night.)

Marcus (to Jelly): If you're their agent, how are you getting paid?
Me: Love.

Jelly tells me that Nicholls State is 0-9 under DoBee (former Loyola coach).

Jelly: Wait. It says the team is 0-9, but she's 0-10 as the coach.
Liam: Well, when you lose nine, you get your 10th one free.

Bake is not happy about having to go to Baton Rouge for Christmas.

Bake: I'm going, 'I just want to stay home on Christmas and play with my new toys.' (Pause.) And so does my son.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
My top 10 teen movies.

10) Drive Me Crazy. 1999.
Taught me that the cool kids ain't so cool.

9) Bring it On. 2000.
I've got spirit fingers. Yes I do.

8) Cruel Intentions. 1999.
"We're related." "Only by marriage."

7) The Breakfast Club. 1985.
You hear that? That's the sound of people gasping because it isn't higher.

6) Risky Business. 1983.
I've got a trig midterm tomorrow, and I'm being chased by Guido, the killer pimp.

5) Ferris Bueller's Day Off. 1986.
Bueller? Bueller?

4) Varsity Blues. 1999.
Amy Smart or Ali Larter? Oh, the questions of life.

3) American Pie. 1999.
Shannon Elizabeth is a personal friend of mine.

2) Not Another Teen Movie. 2001.
Parodies all the other movies on this list and then some. Also, has there been a good teen movie since?

1) Can't Hardly Wait. 1998.
One of my all-time favorites. At one point, I had almost the entire thing memorized.