I ALSO HAVE A PISTOL PETE ONE.

I read in the Hornets magazine a few weeks ago about the Chris Paul double bobblehead promotion.
Me: Hey, Lopes. Want to go to the Bobcats game on December 10th?
Lopes: Eh, not really.
Me: They're giving away CP3 double bobbleheads. One with Hornets and one with a Bucs uniform.
Lopes: Let's go.

At the Suns game on Dec. 3, they made an announcement about the promotion, and Paul began insisting that we go. Way ahead of you, buddy, I told him. So, Paul, Lopes and I headed for the N.O. Arena to get the aforementioned bobblehead Wednesday night. And what the heck, we stayed and watched the game, too.

Paul and I arrived at the Arena at 4:45 p.m. The game was for 7 p.m. The doors opened at 6 p.m. The promotion was only for the first 8,000 fans, and we weren't taking any chances. That freeloader Lopes showed up at 5:50 and was able to skip past the line because Paul and I were like the 10th and 11th people there. Yeah, these crazy bastards in the picture got there before us. Talk about no life.

When we first arrived, it was really, really cold. I didn't know if I could last out there for more than an hour. Paul and I decided to take turns going in the Wasps nest to get out of the cold, but at 5 p.m., the store closed. Bastards. Luckily at about 5:15, the blistering wind died down, and it wasn't so cold anymore. Yeah, luckily.

According to a reliable source, the bobbleheads were gone by 6:30 p.m. Some folks were mad about not getting one. My friend that works for the Hornets said he never heard so much bitching in all his life. As I was leaving the Arena, I held up my box and said "$75." No one took the deal, but I was joking anyway.

I thought about bringing it into work to make D jealous, but I decided I'd rather live to see 26. You like my new bed sheets? That's Hornets creole blue. Fan up, indeed.

Here's a shot just before tipoff of the Hornets in the throwback Buccaneer uniforms. I think CP3 is talking to the floor. CP3: "Hello, floor. I'm about to do some incredible basketball stuff all up and down you. Hope you don't mind. We cool? Sweet."

Two gems from Paul, a big Hornets fan, about basketball.

1) I ask Lopes if he wanted to go mock Brian again for thinking CP3 was chasing Oscar Robertson's steals record. Remember last week that Brian thought it was Oscar's record and not Alvin Robertson's record. Ha.

Me: Lopes, will this make you feel better about Brian's cluelessness? Hey, Paul. Do you know who Oscar Robertson is?
Paul: Who? Uh, that name sounds familiar.
Lopes: OK. That makes me feel a little better about Brian.
Paul: What is he a baseball player?
Lopes: OK. Now, I feel better.

2) Paul wants to know for what other games of my 10-game plan he can have my other ticket.
Me: Hmm. How do you feel about seeing the Thunder?
Paul: Is that a new team?
Me: Sort of.
Paul: Oh. Did they move?
Me: Yup.
Paul: From where?
Me: Seattle.
Paul: Oh. (He finds them on the magnet schedule.) Does OKC stand for Oklahoma?

At halftime, they honored 11 former N.O. Buccaneers players, including Larry Brown. They each got to walk the red carpet with a Honeybee. Gave them that extra pep in their step. Here they all are leaving the court. I think a few of them wanted to stay and play. Probably could have provided better competition than the Bobcats.

I tell my dad Thursday that I went to throwback night and that they honored some old Bucs players. He got really giddy and started telling me about their years here. He named the starting lineup and told me what they each did well.

Before the game, Lopes is telling me about the kids he's tutoring in pre-algebra. One of the kids kept adding the Xs and the Ys together. For example, 2x + 4x + 3y + 5y. Instead of answering 6x + 8y, the poor kid was writing 14xy.

Lopes: I told him: 'You can't mix your Xs and Ys.'
Me: The heck you can't. How else would he have been born?

As Lopes shouted profanities at the kids wearing Brother Martin gear there to support Augustin, I went and picked up an Arena pizza. I wasn't really that hungry, but something about being at those games makes me want to eat. I think they spray something in the air.

Halftime entertainment was Jean Knight, who had the big hit "Mr. Big Stuff" back in 1971. The performance was (how do I put this lightly?) painful. I felt bad for her. I made a face like I had just ate something really sour and kept shaking my head. Lopes agreed.

And no matter what Lopes tries to tell you, I did not attempt to steal that old lady's bobblehead. I swear.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom tells me that a neighbor opened my mail thinking it was for her 25-year-old daughter. "I didn't ask her why she was opening her daughter's mail. I guess when she's raising her fucking kids, she can do that."

Mom and I are watching House. Mom observes a scene. "That's why I don't go to the fucking doctor. You have to tell them what the fuck is wrong with you."

House told a couple that they would have a virgin birth to protect the wife from getting caught cheating. Mom can't believe the husband fell for this story. "He's a fucking virgin. He hasn't even had sex yet."

THE GENE POOL DIP (I MEAN TIP) OF THE WEEK

When you attend a Hornets game, they hand you a program when you enter the building. In that program is a sheet of paper with either Copeland's, Cheesecake Bistro or Social City (who knew they changed the name of Sweet, Fire and Ice?) on it. They do this boat race, and if your restaurant wins, you can redeem the sheet of paper at that establishment for a free appetizer. The offer is good until the next home game. Fun. Fun. Fun.

The tip here is that even if your joint don't win that night's boat race, do not (and I repeat do not) throw away your sheet of paper. What the Hornets do is they rotate the winner of the race. On Wednesday night, Social City won. My card was for Cheesecake Bistro, which won Saturday. The next home game is this Wednesday vs. the Spurs. Copeland's will be winning. Then, next Saturday vs. the Kings, it's Cheesecake Bistro again.

Here's what Paul figured out Wednesday night: There is no date on the cards. He might be clueless about sports, but with this sort of stuff, he's a genius. If your boat doesn't win on the night you go, follow this schedule (or ask me) and you still can get a free appetizer when it's your restaurant's turn. Everybody's a winner!

Paul picked up a bunch of extra programs on the way out. I'm going to collect Copeland's sheets and just swing by there every time it's up in the rotation and get me some free food. You should do the same.

PARTING SHOTS
Marcus is trying to tell people to show up at 5 p.m. Sunday.

Marcus (to Liam): You check your e-mail?
Liam: Work e-mail?
Marcus: Yeah. Not the e-mail of those questionable sites you subscribe to.
Liam: You mean like Yahoo?
Sandy: Yah. (Slight pause.) Hooooo!

I complain about the third bad call against the Hornets in the first quarter against the Celtics.

Me: Damn. Might as well just go home now.
Marcus: Please do.

Marcus reads the disabled porn titles from yesterday's entry and adds one of his own.

Marcus: "A Leg Up." But only if the guy has no legs.

The Mike McKenzie of the cleaning crew is sweeping after everyone else had left Friday night. He's sweeping popcorn from under D's desk.

Mike McKenzie (to me): Damn. Does this dude actually eat any popcorn?

THE DAILY TOP LIST
The top five reasons the T-P ain't going nowhere.

5) Popularity.
People read this paper. Apparently, we have high market penetration. Besides, Tina reads that sucker every day. She does the crossword puzzle, the sudoku and reads everything in the Metro section. The paper provides her with much material to curse at. And without the T-P, that would leave like two extra hours for her to yell at me.

4) How else would I use the Internet?
What am I going to do? Pay for it at home?

3) Most people in this city ain't too bright.
They need us to provide information. You can't just depend on the citizens and this Internet thing. Have you read the comments on stories on nola.com? Them people some dumb.

2) Nola.com sucks.
Seriously. You can't find anything on there. They have three random idiots as their "sports experts," including the Emperor of nola.com David Gladow. Whoever the fuck that is.

1) How will people eat crawfish?
I've used old newspaper to eat crawfish all my life. You can't just stop doing that.