YOU'RE KILLING ME, SMALLS

At Jenna's 18th birthday party Saturday night in her backyard, a group of people (most of whom I was unfamiliar with) started playing a small pickup football game. There really wasn't room for a game, but they made the most of the limited space. I was chatting with the Uptown Girls when I decided to take a look at the action. I wanted to see what kind of routes they were running in such cramped quarters. It was basically go 10 and turn around.

The second play I watch, the quarterback finds an open receiver but throws it over the fence and into the neighbor's yard. Oops. This occurrence catches the attention of the rest of the party. I make the first of many Sandlot jokes. Me: "It was the biggest pickle any of us had ever been in." The joke gets a few laughs, but as soon as I say it, we all hear the sound of a dog barking like all hell. It wasn't your every night dog barking in the neighborhood. That sucker sounded pissed off.

From that moment on (it was 2 a.m.), I felt like I was living in the Sandlot movie. I asked if the football was autographed. I wondered who would be our Benny the Jet to hop the fence and take the ball from the big, bad dog. I suggested knocking on the front door of the house because James Earl Jones would gladly give us the ball back.

Darren took charge as Benny the Jet. He found like three entrances to the yard besides climbing the fence. Though none proved to be of any help. He climbed the fence and stared down the dog. I should point out that Darren was slightly intoxicated. Chuck had to keep fetching (pun intended) him from the top of the fence.

One person who climbed the fence saw the dog put the football in his mouth and walk away with it. We think Hercules (probably this dog's name as well) buried the ball or added it to his collection in his doghouse. Darren noted that he couldn't see the ball anymore at about 2:30 a.m. when he climbed the fence for the 264th time.

Because of all the commotion and excitement, I said to myself that I would be remiss if I didn't get a picture of Hercules. I climb the fence, but I don't see the dog. I thought he must be hiding from The Gene Pool. Then out of nowhere, he comes charging the fence with his roaring barking. I drop off the fence more scared than O.J. on his first day in prison. I go to plan B. I get on my tippy-toes and hold the camera over the fence as Herc is barking. I snap the picture blind. Here's how it came out.

I was shocked went I looked at the result. This little puppy dog was making all that noise? He looks so cute. It's hard to imagine he just finished sending I'm-going-to-eat-you-if-you-come-over-the-fence vibes to me. Of course, if this is really the Sandlot in real life, this dog will soon be our pet. I think we'll keep him at Chuck's. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

I finally looked it up. Nip Tuck starts in January. I tell my mom. "Son of a bitch."

Mom sees me opening my credit card bill. "Fucking credit cards. Soon there won't be any more (of them). Cash only."

Mom realizes that she somehow ended up with the ticket (it has her name and phone number) for her square in the Saints pool. "It was a major fuck-up. I had to go back in there (for something else). I still didn't give him my name and number. He'll remember me if I win, though. He'll remember the fuck-up."

FOOTBALL ALL THE WAY

The Dolphins have won two in a row. One more, and that's called a winning streak. I was looking at the rest of their schedule. I really think that 7-9 is not out of the question. They play Oakland, Kansas City, San Fran and St. Louis. This Wildcat formation is working really well. But the defense won the game Sunday, especially with the fourth-and-goal from the 1 stop of LDT.

Speaking of football, I got a beef with the pass interference rule. That penalty needs to be adjusted. I don't think a team should just be awarded the ball at the spot of the foul without question. There are different degrees of pass interference. If the defender completely tackles the receiver right before he is about to catch the ball, then give the offense the ball at the spot of the foul. But I also want them to have a 15-yard variety for less severe pass interference. Once a week, I see pass interference and say: That should only be 15 yards.

1) When the receiver and defender get their feet tangled. You can't just give a team 50 yards of field position for that. It was an accident. It's not always called. But a lot of times it is. I can live with a penalty here. Just not at the spot of the foul. This cost the Dolphins a game against the Patriots (and ultimately a spot in the playoffs) in 2002. I'm still pissed.

2) If there's a minimal amount of contact. Sure, it's still a penalty. But 30 or 40 yards for a little push or bump. Come on. It really irks me when the receiver flies to the ground after a back-and-forth pushing battle for position. Maybe it was a penalty on the defense, but it's not like the defender just nailed the receiver.

3) If there's some doubt about the ball being catchable. There's an uncatchable rule, but that only applies if the ball goes way far away. Sometimes, it's kind of close, but we all know it's uncatchable. Yet, they throw the flag for pass interference. Once again, 15 yards is a lot more fair, especially if the ball was just in the vicinity of the receiver.

What happens in the NFL is a team will take several shots downfield per game. Best case scenario is a big play for a touchdown. But teams also know there's a good chance pass interference will be called for feet tangling and little bumps. And voila, you're 60 yards downfield. In these cases, I feel like the team doesn't deserve all that yardage because they didn't exactly do anything. They basically just lucked into 50 or whatever yards.

I'll start this campaign by e-mailing all the coaches in the league to see if they agree with me.

CORRECTIONS AND CLARIFICATIONS

I realized late Sunday night that if I want this publication to have any real credibility, then I need this section. People are always telling me: "You got this wrong." or "You forgot this." or "Stop. No. Don't do that to me." So if I'm corrected or further enlightened on something, here's where I will stick it. It's a much better option than my first thought for when people correct me. 

From Saturday's blog: JRap's daughter is 2-years-old. That's a clarification. Her name is spelled Ana. That's a correction.

 

PARTING SHOTS

A fight breaks out in the Steelers-Jaguars game, but the camera goes to a close-up of a cheerleader.

JRap: Come on. I want to see the fight.

Bake: Not me. I like this shot.

JRap: Don't get me wrong. Her navel was quite attractive.

Retro quote: October 5, 2004

My sociology professor is giving a lecture and comparing something to his college days.

Marcus Mahmood: "I was hitting golf balls off a frat house. And one happened to break the window of a frat house across the street. All of a sudden, there was a battlefield. By the way, I was a member of neither fraternity."

THE DAILY TOP LIST

It can't be all doom and gloom, right? Even though they bombed worse than Michael Phelps on SNL, the 2008 Cubs were the best team they've had since I've been a fan. Now for the top five moments of the season. On the negative side, my heart hurt very much last night. But I'll be OK.

5) Cubs 3, Braves 2, 11 innings. June 12.

I officially accept Edmonds as a Cub when he hits a tying homer in the bottom of the ninth. Len paid tribute to Jack Brickhouse on the homer: "Home run! He did it! Way to go, Jimmy!"

4) The nine-run fourth inning against the White Sox. June 21.

Edmonds homered twice. Fontenot homered and then got pinch-hit for his next time up in the inning.

3) The sweep of the Brewers. July 28-31.

Milwaukee had crept to within one game of the division lead. Then boom. Sweep. Ironically, Zambrano, Dempster and Harden got three of the four wins.

2) Cubs 4, White Sox 3. June 20.

A-Ram-Ram tied the score with a homer in the seventh. He won it with a homer in the ninth. Said A-Ram-Ram: "That's what I get paid to do."

1) Big Z's no-hitter. September 14.