CHAPTER II. LOVING, TOUCHING, SQUEEZING.
(the second in an occasional series)

Previously on High School Girlfriend Saga:
Paul and I went to Regina's house for a little meeting on November 2, 2002.

And action.

We go through the formalities of an introduction. She shows me a large stack of pictures from her summer and Chapelle's ring dance. We talk about Paul's girlfriend and how her and Regina are friends. We were sitting on couches about 10 feet apart facing each other. Paul sat on a stool behind me. I'm not exactly sure why he was there. Moral support, I guess.

The hanging out goes on for about three hours. It went really well. We seemed to make a real connection. That Monday, I'm talking to her on AIM and invite her to my birthday dinner for that Saturday at TGI Friday's. She says she's not sure because we just met and a birthday is a big deal. After some time, I convince her to come.

During dinner, the workers from Friday's surround the table and sing Happy Birthday to me. Then, in a move I didn't see coming, one worker took the ice cream brownie and stuffed it in my face. Come to find out, Regina planned the whole thing with the staff when I went to the bathroom earlier. I thought to myself, "Huh, that's the kind of story grandparents tell their grandkids about how they fell in love."

The next day (my actual birthday) I went over to David's house (he had invited me) to watch the football games. I had warned him that I wouldn't play in the yard after the Saints game because there was no way I was missing the Dolphins-Jets game at 3 p.m. He understood. When I opened the door at his house, I was greeted with a big scream of "SURPRISE!" My mom and David had planned this big surprise party for my 18th birthday.

I was completely caught off guard. I couldn't have had less of a clue. I see all these familiar faces greeting me and telling me 'Happy Birthday' when I look over to see the biggest surprise of them all. Regina was there. Paul invited her at the birthday dinner. The fact that she came to such a big event so quick told me this thing was for real. I felt all warm and cuddly inside.

We were pretty inseparable after that. I would go to her house after school. I would talk to her in between prep calls at the T-P. We were together ever weekend night. And I knew we were falling in love. Heck, we got so comfortable that for New Year's Eve we didn't go to a party or even shoot fireworks. We fell asleep together on her couch at about 10 p.m. and woke up at about 2 a.m.

Once (sometime in early December) I got David to pretend I was sleeping over at his house so I could spend the night at Regina's house. Thinking back, Tina probably wouldn't have cared. But I didn't want to take any chances. Regina's parents were out of town, and I wanted to act like an out-of-control teenager for once. And we did. Sorry. I can't give you any details. Maybe if you are real nice to me and want them, I'll tell you privately.

The big moment came on Christmas Eve as we were making out in her living room. I think we had just finished Shrek. Regina: I want to tell you something.

Me: Go ahead. Tell me.
Regina: But I can't.
Me: Come on. You can tell me.
Regina: No. I've been burned before.
Me: It's OK. You can say it.
Regina: No. I shouldn't.
Me: Well, I have something to tell you, too. It just might be the same as yours.
Regina: Maybe. But what if it isn't?
Me: Trust me. You can say it.
Regina: I love you.
Me: I love you, too.

TO BE CONTINUED ...

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom watched SNL with Anne Hathaway, whose boyfriend was arrested for fraud. "Like she didn't know what the fuck was going on when she was dating him."

I tell mom that the new NBC show is called Kath and Kim. She couldn't understand the first name. I tell her it's like Kathy but without the Y. Then she couldn't believe that it started with a K and not a C. "What kind of fucking name is that?"

Mom got mad at me again. "Pathetic. And fucking lazy. Pathetic and lazy."

Mom also was upset I left the back door open. "Close the fucking door."

THE GENE POOL DIP (I MEAN TIP) OF THE WEEK

Never say the following lines in an attempt to be funny. These lines are not, I repeat not, funny. Yet every time I hear them they are said to create laughter. They are also said as if the line has never been used before. Except that the lines have been repeated so many times there could be a 30-minute E! special on the topic.

I think they keep getting used (I'm talking in movies, TV shows, actual conversations) because many people keep laughing. Why? I have no idea. The shit ain't funny. It was funny the first time I heard it, but not the 117th time. Now, I just roll my eyes and think of how desperate the writer was for a laugh. Let's go through these, shall we? And remember never ever use these to try to be funny. Use them if you want to be lame.

1) I peed my pants. (Var: I pissed myself or a little pee came out.)
One character/person says something. The other responds: Man, that was so funny. I peed my pants. Ha frickin' ha. If the person did pee their pants, they'd be running to the bathroom. I know. I know. It's an exaggeration. But it's not funny. The latest incident of this was in Pineapple Express. When the girl said the line, the audience laughed. I shook my head. Can't these writers come up with something more clever?

I think I've heard that sometimes when women laugh, they actually do pee a little. I don't really care to know if that's true. But that takes away the whole point of the joke. If someone says "a little pee came out" and it did, then that's TMI. Not comedy. Why are these people trying to counteract a joke with a joke of their own, anyway? How bout just saying that's funny or doing some crazy laugh and moving on to the next scene.

Can you believe I had to pee the whole time I wrote that section? Excuse me for a moment.

2) This smells like ...
Often in a comedy movie or sitcom or in real life, a character or person will try to be funny by saying something smells bad. I laughed a little bit in Anchorman. I haven't batted an eye since. It's certainly not original, and it certainly ain't funny. The person just says some outlandish thing and hopes the audience thinks it's so off-the-wall, that they can't help but laugh. But I already expect it to be incredibly ridiculous as soon as I hear "it smells like."

Examples:
-- It smells like ... some random animal's feces. Caribou is funny, right?
-- It smells like ... a combination of known disgusting things. Like barf and sewage.
-- It smells like ... teen spirit. (Sorry. Couldn't resist.)

3) I threw up in my mouth a little bit (or any var. of throwing up in the mouth or throwing up a little bit)
This one is the absolute worst. I spent a couple of hours a few months ago researching all the times this line has been used. I found about 100 blogs bitching about how this phrase isn't funny. Those blogs were mostly complaining about how other bloggers kept using the phrase in an effort to be funny. I applaud them. But I'm more worried about this phrase (or a form of it) protruding into my TV shows and movies.

We've all at some point thrown up in our mouth a little bit. You know, when it doesn't fully come out and goes back down. That's disgusting. Not funny. Here's how it's usually used: One character says something obnoxious; the other character is appalled and says the line. I first noticed this in Dodgeball, when I didn't laugh but yawned.

Since then, I've heard a variation of this line more times than I care to remember, including in several of my favorite shows. When I heard it in those, I nearly cried. How could they stoop so low for a laugh?

Once again, this line is meant to be an off-the-wall response to illicit laughter. Except now I'm almost expecting a girl to respond with this line to a belligerent fellow. That ain't off the wall. That's repeating a tired line that wasn't funny in the first place. Throw up is disgusting. Not funny.

In conclusion, I always want to throw something at the screen when I hear one of these phrases. If we as hockey moms and Joe six-packs of America join together and refuse to ever laugh at these lines again, then maybe, just maybe, they'll stop being used.

TV WEEK IN REVIEW

Line that got stuck in my head: Family Guy. Do you know what the word is? B-B-B-B Bird Bird Bird. Bird is the word. And repeat. Thanks a lot, Peter.

Best scene: Heroes. Fight scene four years in the future. How awesome was it when Daphne speared current Peter through the window and then Gabriel went nuclear and blew up the city?

Best song: The Office. Michael's rendition of Let's Get Physical, which was Let's Get Ethical.

Best romantic scene: Pushing Daises. Charlotte and Ned reconnecting in the hallway by pretending to meet for the first time.

Thought of the week: SNL.
I've enjoyed the first four episodes of the season. I think they've really rebounded from the recent down years. Even though Amy is leaving, I think the cast is strong. Kristen Wiig is a riot (see Judy the travel agent). I like Andy Samberg's digital shorts. Obviously, the Tina Fey-Sarah Palin thing has been off the charts. The new guy Bobby Moynihan has been impressive (see restaurant skit where he's the waiter). And Bill Hader has really stepped it up this season. I think he's a star.

My point is that it's OK to watch SNL again. Even after the election. Seriously. Don't be afraid.

PARTING SHOTS
We're talking about a writer.

D: He taught them (former bosses at a different paper) something.
Me: Yeah. Like all about Yom Kippur.
(People thought that comment crossed the line.)
Marcus: All I know is if Gene starts talking about fucking Kwanzaa, it's gonna be on. I don't care if they fire me. I'm gonna thrash him.

D concludes that somebody is gay.

D: Him putting his glasses on his head. That's it.
Me: Preppy guys do put their glasses on their head, D.
D: Preppy is a code word for gay.

I tell Marcus that a quote in a story was inappropriate for a prep story.

Me: You know what Tina would say about that? Those kids need a vacation for (I make a noise) day.
Sandy: You mean, D-Day?
Me: Excellent.
(In case you didn't get that, we were talking about dick day. Dick day.)

Sandy is told she has a story by Dunn.

Sandy: Sounds like Dung.
Derry: That's what it read like.

I don't know what led to this exchange.

Brick: Marcus, what's the worst D has ever called you?
Liam (signaling that he has the answer): Late for dinner.

We're discussing my life.

JRap: Gene, you're a strange bird but a good egg. (True and true.)

Retro quote: October 10, 2004
Tigers Woods on marriage.

"Just because you're married, it doesn't change the way your relationship is. I just hope I can get the ball in the hole a little faster."

THE DAILY TOP LIST
The five biggest decisions I've made and whether or not I made the right choice.

5) Civic or Jetta?
I had test drives in both and enjoyed both.
Right decision? Yes. Though I would have saved a lot of money on gas with a Honda.

4) Rummel or Jesuit?
Yes. Yes. I was almost a Gay Jay. That wouldn't have helped my campaign, right Bob?
Right decision? Hell yeah.

3) Quit or keep playing?
I decided to quit baseball when I was 9-years-old. My dad was crushed.
Right decision? No. I should have stuck with it. Would have been a heck of a leadoff hitter.

2) Stay away or get back together?
But that's getting ahead of the High School Girlfriend Saga story.
Right decision? Oh yeah.

1) Loyola or LSU?
I went back and forth. I could have finished in three years in Tigerland.
Right decision? Yes. I wouldn't have made as many friends. And whatever friends I did make wouldn't have been as cool as the Loyola ones. A touching moment, I know. Plus, I wouldn't be at the T-P.