BIRTHDAY PARTY NO. 2 IN OCTOBER 

Paul's 24th birthday was Saturday. The party started at 5 p.m. with dinner at Sweet, Fire and Ice. Then the Paul Birthday Wagon watched the LSU-Florida debacle at some bar on Vets. I wasn't sure what the plan was after that. Not like it mattered because I was working. I call Paul at midnight when I leave work to see where they are. He doesn't answer. 

I'm in the car driving down Howard when I call Bert. Kelly answers and tells me that Bert and her left the party and went home. Lame. Kelly tells me that the rest of the group went to Pat O's. I wasn't a big fan of this news. The place is nice and all, but I didn't exactly feel like going through the process of going all the way down there by myself. Especially since by the time I got there, they would probably be on the verge of leaving. Plus, I had been half-sick the past two days. 

I feel depressed about not going to the party and about the LSU game, so I did the best thing for the blues. I stopped at Krispy Kreme and got doughnuts. Yummy. While in line at the Krispy Kreme, I call Kelly to see if her and Bert want some. I was looking for somebody to hang out with. She says no. Those two are off in their own little world sometimes. I text David telling him to call me if too many people got drunk and the party ended up at Bud's.

As I finish the first doughnut while leaving the parking lot, I decided to go the Quarter. The doughnuts got me to thinking. I can't miss my best friend's birthday party just because I didn't feel like driving down there. I send David a text: Fuck it. I'm coming. Don't tell Paul. 

I hop on the Interstate. Now, I hate the Interstate. I avoid that thing like the plague and use side streets as much as possible. A lot of times it's faster anyway. But I mostly avoid it because I get lost easily. Heck, I was pretty much guessing which way to go when the Interstate split twice on my way downtown. I picked the right ones somehow. Look at me. I'm growing. 

As I'm walking down Bourbon, I regret not leaving my Bush jersey in the car. I knew it was a mistake when the first Raiders' fan I see, comes up and says: "Reggie will get fucked up tomorrow." To which I replied: "Just like you are right now?" And then I ran. He didn't give chase. I also got several high-fives on Bourbon from Saints' fans. 

I show up at Pat O's at 1 a.m. That's eight hours into the birthday bash. Paul was genuinely surprised to see me. He didn't expect me to make it. But people seemed like they were getting tired. I couldn't stand for that. I didn't come all the way out there just to catch the end of the party. So I became the life of the party. Like I was drunk on life. Actually, it was the doughnuts.

Allen and David still were feeling the LSU loss. Look, poor David even went shopping on Thursday for this purple-and-gold outfit. He looked nice, but that's a little gay. David: "I'm about 60-40 in the straight-to-gay ratio. I like to go shopping. My closet is color coordinated. I'm tidy. I cook." I told him: "As long as you don't show me gay porn on your computer, I think you'll be fine." Allen is drinking a Category five margarita. Tasty. 

I finally got to meet Paul's new girl Michelle. Here's a shot of the new couple. It's not facebook official or anything, but they seem well on their way. They did hold hands (huge step) while walking down Bourbon after we left the bar. 

I didn't talk to Michelle for very long. So I have no opinion of her yet. Except to say that I took a nice picture of her. When I was introducing myself to her I said: "Everything they've said about me is ..." I then paused for dramatic effect. I was going to finish with "absolutely true" to try to illicit some laughter, but she interrupted during the pause and said: "They didn't say anything about you." A real shot to the ego that was. 

I might have freaked her out a little by the end of the evening. I pressed the go button on my mouth and was off. I was talking so fast she probably thought I did a line of crack right before I got there. I didn't say anything mean or nasty, but I was acting off the wall. I did have some good lines, though. I think. At one point, I was using the two little straws they give you as chopsticks to drink my jack and coke. 

For T-P employees who have never seen Arvites, there he is walking away on the left with his head titled. He has no idea he's being photographed. Lopes called me creepy again for taking it.

Minkus asks me if I want to buy his last two tickets to the Saints game. He tried to get me to go with him, Paul and his Asian friends a couple of weeks ago. The cheapest ticket he said he could find was $80 at the top of the 600 level. I like the Saints, but I ain't paying that much for a Raiders game. Apparently, he bought two too many. Sucks for him.

Me: I'm already going to the Saints game.

Paul: You got tickets?

Me: Yeah.

Paul: And you're not paying again, I bet.

Me: Nope.

Minkus: Where are you sitting?

Me: One thirty something.

Minkus: You motherfucker.

Kelly had already told me this story earlier when I called Bert, but I let David tell it to me again because he was so excited about it. While they were at the bar watching the LSU game, they got Paul to take shots of Rumple minze. The trick, though, was they ordered water for everybody else. So Paul was the only one shooting. After each of the first two shots, someone in the group made the comment: "Man, this stuff goes down like water." On the third shot, they also got Paul water. After the shot, Paul said: "Man, that really does go down like water." They told him a little while later. Said David: "The best part was he gave us five bucks to help pay for the first shot. We brought back nine shots, and it cost $3 because we got eight waters." 

REUNITED AND IT FEELS SO GOOD: Allen and Minkus were best friends in grammar school. Minkus switched schools in the sixth grade, and the two did not speak again. Until Saturday night for Paul's birthday party. (Allen is mainly David and Bert's friend. Minkus is mainly Paul's friend.) During Gustav, I learned that the two used to be best friends and couldn't believe they hadn't seen each other since. Well, it was like old times Saturday. Here is Allen bringing Minkus a slice of pizza on Bourbon. Doesn't this moment just warm your heart? 

At Pat O's, Minkus mentioned he wanted to play some slot machines. I said I'd go with him. The rest of the group besides myself had come in one car. The group was David, Allen, Paul, Minkus, Michelle and Christine, who used to date David and who Paul has had a major crush on for like two years. Wouldn't you know it, Christine and Michelle got along famously at the party. I told Paul he needs to hook that shit up.

As Minkus and I are walking to Harrah's, we just happen to see the rest of the Paul Birthday Wagon catch a light on the other side of the street. They see us too. I pulled my jersey over my head and walked down the street. You know, to be funny. Then, I got a brilliant idea. Assuming they were still looking at us, I sprinted to the light post up ahead and did my best Antoine Winfield (Vikings cornerback) imitation. I paid the price for the gag, though. My leg cramped up as I was sliding down the post. Ouch.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom is rewatching the first season of 24. An assistant to the president is having an affair with a bad guy. "It was just a fuck fuck thing." (Fuck fuck here. Fuck fuck there. Here a fuck. There a fuck. Everywhere a fuck fuck. Tina Marie had a cursing corner. E-i-e-i-o.)

I'm in room, and mom is watching TV. "Ain't no fucking way he is ..." (I couldn't make out the rest.)

I tell mom I'm scheduled to interview Ric Flair later in the day. (More on that tomorrow.) "Really? He's the one you should talk to about getting your fucking, um, fucking foot in the door over there."

DID YOU KNOW?

Did you know that in poker a straight beats a pair? You did? Strange. The guy two seats from me didn't know that Saturday night. I'm pretty sure he wasn't even drunk. That's unfair of me to say. Let me explain. 

The board read: 7-9-10-J after the turn. The guy is holding his cards in a way that I can see them. He has Q-K for a 9-10-J-Q-K straight. There is no flush on the board. He has the absolute best hand possible, or the nuts. The other guy in the hand bets, and The Straight Man (TSM) correctly raises. 

The river is a king. So now he might split the pot if his opponent also has a queen for a straight. But he can only lose if the other guy has A-Q for the nut straight, which is highly unlikely.

His opponent checks, and TSM pretends to think about betting even though he knows he will. Unfortunately, before he grabs his chips to bet, he taps his fingers on the felt the way you would if you were thinking. One at a time in a real fast motion and repeat. The dealer sees that and calls out that both players checked. TSM doesn't notice this and throws out a bet.

The opponent turns over A-9 for a pair of nines. TSM, still thinking he made a bet, throws his cards into the muck. You see, he thought the other dude was folding to his bet (because the opponent didn't put any chips in the pot) and was just showing what he was folding. So, our unfortunate friend threw his cards into the muck. Which, in reality, means he folded! 

The dealer pushes the pot to the guy with a pair of nines, and TSM can't believe it. (Note: After TSM made his final bet, the dealer pushed the chips back to him because he had determined that TSM checked). The dealer tries to explain. "Ya'll both checked. The other guy turned over his cards. You folded. He wins the pot." TSM argues in vain. "I was trying to decide whether or not to bet. That wasn't a check." Dealer: "You tapped your fingers on the felt. That's a check."

The opponent, not knowing TSM actually had a straight, says: "Look, man. You were obviously bluffing when you raised the turn. I called you on it. Get over it." 

In the end, I felt sorry for TSM. That was most unfortunate. Though it was his fault.

PARTING SHOTS

I arrive at work on Monday.

Jelly: I'm no longer referring to it as The Gene Pool.

Me: Just calling it TGP?

Jelly: No. Gene therapy.

Me: Who's my therapist?

Jelly: No. It is your therapy.

I think Marcus is worrying about me stalking Ric Flair.

Marcus: So you have his cell phone?

Me: No.

Marcus: They called you?

Me: Yeah.

Marcus: Good.

Retro quote: October 13, 2004

Christina and Amy are trying to get Greg to hang out with them.

Christina: Greg, do you want to play with us tonight?

Greg: How late is tonight?

THE DAILY TOP LIST

My top five comedies.

5) A Night at the Opera. 1935.

And two hard-boiled eggs. (Honk. Honk.) Make that three hard-boiled eggs.

4) Anchorman. 2004.

Hard to believe I hated this movie the first time I saw it.

3) Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me. 1999.

That Springer scene still makes me lose it.

2) Office Space. 1999.

I wonder if I could steal fractions of a penny from here.

1) My Cousin Vinny. 1992.

The third time this has been No. 1 on a list.