WE DON'T NEED NO STINKING BADGES

Two co-workers recently misplaced their ID badges. I don't want to name any names, but Brick and Jelly know who they are. Just ask them. These two co-workers had to go to human resources to score a new one. They both had to pay a replacement fee. Which struck me as odd because the company policy doesn't say anything about charging employees to replace ID badges.

I quote from the back of our IDs: "Employees will be charged a relacement fee if this card is lost or damaged." There is no misprint in the previous sentence. So why does human resources charge these co-workers $5 to get a new ID badge (and not even bother to let them update their picture from college)?

Not surprisingly, I've lost my ID before. When I went to get a new one a few years back, I asked the lady if they had multiple color options to choose from for the new shoelaces I was about to get. She looked at me like I just came off the street and was speaking Chinese.

I explained to her that the ID says I would be charged to get my shoes relaced if I lost the ID. I told her I lost the ID on purpose because my shoelaces were ripping. She didn't laugh. Typical human resources lady. No sense of humor. Michael Scott was right. Human resources people are the worst.

I know it's just a misprint and it's supposed to say replacement fee. But come on, man. This is a professional newspaper. Can't we write four sentences on an ID badge without making a mistake? No newspaper employee proofed that thing first? Shouldn't we have fixed this thing by now? Am I the only one who has noticed this in seven years?

I've been joking about this mistake since I noticed it back in 2001. But I'm not sure if it's funny anymore. It's just sad. OK. It's a little funny.

Seriously, I don't think they have any shoelaces down there at human resources. Talk about false advertising. And my shoelaces are ripping again.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom can't believe that Cloris Leachman still is on Dancing with the Stars. She yells from the living room. "They fucking let her through again." Later in the day, I ask her about the show. "She fucking advanced again. She keeps on finishing last, but the fucking fans keep voting for her."

I finish eating ribs for lunch. Ribs. I had ribs for lunch. Mom sees me throwing away the remains. "Damn, you fucking picked those bones clean."

LADY ON THE PHONE

As I mentioned before, we got a lot of odd and stupid calls in the department. People asking about what station a game is on, people asking for Finney's voice mail or e-mail (like he has one of those), people asking ridiculous questions about local prep or pro teams, people complaining about lack of coverage for unimportant sports, people trying to settle bets in a bar, people who just lost a bar bet in the previous call calling back to argue their case.

I really enjoyed the phone call I had with this lady right after arriving at work Wednesday. I'm not sure what department she called first, but that department transferred her to us. She explained to me that she plays the football forecast (where readers guess who will win six college and six pro games for a chance to win fabulous prizes) every week but was going out of town this weekend. I didn't bother telling her I'm in charge of picking the games for the contest.

Lady: I'm not going to be able to watch the games this weekend to see if I get them right because I won't be here.
Me: OK.
Lady: So do you know of any way I could find out who won a game if I'm not able to watch it?
(I think to myself. Yeah. Go downstairs to the lobby of your hotel Monday morning. Grab a USA Today, open it to the sports section, etc.)
Me: Um, you can just call the sports department again.
Lady: So you are telling me that if I want to know if I picked the LSU game right Saturday, I can call this number and somebody will be able to tell me who won the game?
Me: Yup.
Lady: Are you sure? I play this football forecast, and I want to know if I get the games correct.
Me: Yes, I'm sure.
Lady: Oh. OK. Thank you.

My two possible sarcastic responses that I held back on that last question.

1) Yup. The T-P sports department, which covers the Tigers extensively, will in fact be able to tell you who won their game. We just might even go ahead and put the score in the newspaper! Maybe even a story or two about it.

2) Nope. There is no way anyone here at the T-P sports department will be able to tell you who won the Georgia-LSU game. Why would we have any clue what the final score of that game is? It's not like I'm going to be doing a live running diary on the game or anything like that.

PARTING SHOTS
I turned up the volume to hear the Backstreet Boys perform the national anthem for the World Series.

Jelly: I'm taking away one of your man cards.
Me (ignoring her): Is that Lance Bass second to the left?
Jelly: Lance Bass is in N'Sync. But I'm giving you back a man card for not knowing that.
Brick: Didn't we take away all his man cards already?

I ask Brick how long we've had this type of ID badge. He says since September 11th, 2001.

D: I have the same ID as I did in 2001. (He looks at it.) And damn, I have the same shirt on.

Retro quote: October 22, 2004
There is a debate on what punctuation mark to use in a prep story.

Me: I vote for a hyphen too, Marcus.
Marcus: Your vote doesn't count. You're a hanging chad.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
My top five cities I want to visit that I haven't been to before. In America, of course. I've been to Chicago, Houston, Atlanta, Orlando, Dallas, Panama City and Detroit.

5) Boston.
I've heard bad things about the people, but they got Fenway. And clam chowder.
Ideal person to go with: My dad.

4) Las Vegas.
Vegas, baby, Vegas.
Ideal person to go with: David.

3) New York.
Broadway. Rockefeller Center. New Yankee Stadium. Fifth Avenue.
Ideal person to go with: My mom.

2) Washington, D.C.
White House. The Capitol. Lisa. Lobbyists.
Ideal person to go with: Chuck.

1) Miami.
South Beach. The Dolphins. South Beach.
Ideal person to go with: Greg.