THE OLD BALL AND CHAIN

When I was at Bruno's on Tuesday observing Danny and Caroline, I took a commercial break to go to the bathroom. When I was on my way back to the studio (aka my bar stool), I noticed a couple of familiar faces sitting at a table in the middle of the bar. I go over to give a courtesy hello to a couple of fellow 2002 Rummel graduates, one of which I couldn't put a name to his face.

One of the guys, Barry, is in his third year of law with Greg at Loyola. The guy's whose name I can't remember says to me: "Hey, Gene. You remember me?" To which I respond: "Sure I do, guy. Yup." He then proceeds to tell me that he's been talking with Regina (my high school girlfriend) on the phone. I haven't heard much about the old gal in some time. So I ask him for an update. She had a serious relationship in Florida, broke it off and is now single and living in Slidell (too close for comfort, really) working for Health something or other.

Paul was intrigued to hear such news. We figured by now she'd have about four kids and be living far, far away. He tells me I should call her. He was joking. I hope. He says he can almost remember her number. Creep.

Why am I telling you this, you ask? Because the story of Regina is one of the best stories I have in my arsenal. But if I'm going to tell you this thing, I'm going to need my team. NEWS TEAM, ASSEMBLE.

Anyway, I'm going to tell this story in parts. I think it's too big for one blog. For now, I'll set the scene. It's late October of senior year. My last girlfriend had been the previous December (the end of the best stretch of my life as far as girls). David was dating this girl. Paul then started dating one of her friends. Paul asked his girlfriend if she has any single friends. The first one that comes to mind is Regina. So, Paul and I go over to Regina's house on Saturday, November 2, 2002 for a little meeting. TO BE CONTINUED... (No. None of us get super powers like in Heroes.)

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom is upset that she didn't figure out a secret on the Young & the Restless sooner. "How long I been watching soaps? I finally figured out that fucking mystery. I can't believe I couldn't figure out what the fuck was going on. Fucking half brothers." (That's why Cain wasn't ruled out as the father on Chloe's pregnancy test.)

Mom was ready to order some seafood long before I got up Friday. "It's fucking Friday. Why would you wake up at 1:30?"

Mom is upset because I erased Gary Unmarried from the DVR list. I didn't know she cared to watch that crap. I assumed I was the only one in America watching in the second week. "You keep all your bullshit on there. And then you erase all my shit. Why would you erase my shit? It's because you just don't give a shit."

The enter button on our DVD remote isn't working anymore. "I wonder what happened to my fucking enter button. I guess it's broken. Just have to hit the play button."

Mom signed up for the Saints-Vikings pool at a convenient store down the street. Our numbers are 8 for the Saints and 4 for the Vikings (28-14, anyone?). Mom bought the last square and thus got to pull all the numbers. "I couldn't even give myself good numbers. Fucking awful. ... I couldn't even give myself fucking decent numbers."

TV WEEK IN REVIEW

Best scene: Worst Week. Sam is trying to put his future father-in-law's bird back in its cage without having anyone know it had escaped. The bird is in his pocket, and he walks into a room with his future sister- and mother-in-law. The bird starts to stick out in Sam's pants, and the women think he got an erection.

Best line: My Name Is Earl. Earl wants to help Joy's two little boys make friends. Randy's suggestion: "There's a man downstairs whose friends with lots of little boys. We should introduce them."

Best romantic moment: Chuck. Chuck and Sarah almost finally kissed like 200 times. Stupid intersect.

Best guest star: How I Met Your Mother. Regis Philbin. Funny guy, I tell you. Funny guy.

Best plot development. Heroes. Noah and Sylar teamming up. That was awesome. Also, the ending where Noah says. "I'm going to find his weakness, and then I'm going to kill him." Oh yeah.

HE'S GUILTY AS CHARGED

O.J. Simpson was found guilty in his armed robbery-kidnapping trial.
1) Prison will not be good to him. If he gets life, put him on suicide watch.
2) In 1995, I was sitting in a sixth-grade classroom watching the verdict. Yeah, the teacher let us watch. Thirteen years later to the day, I found out the verdict on ESPN.com while typing this blog. In 1995, I talked about the verdict with my Reading teacher. In 2008, I talk about it with Lopes on AIM. My how the world has changed.
3) This conversation could take place Saturday somewhere.
Person 1: Son of a bitch. OJ is guilty.
Person 2: No shit, Sherlock. Where in the name of Judge Lance Ito have you been?
Person 1: No. No. I mean guilty of robbery.
Person 2: Yeah, I know that. He robbed those poor people of their lives.

THE GENE POOL DIP (I MEAN TIP) OF THE WEEK

Don't fall asleep on the toilet. It's just not a good idea. You could fall off and crack your head open. You could accidentally stick an arm or a leg in the bowl. That would be disgusting. And if you are going to fall asleep on the john, don't do it at work. It's gross. It disturbs your co-workers. It might even freak them out or make them think you are dead.

This actually happened at the T-P the other day. I might be a little fuzzy on the details (seeing as how I was at home crying because of James Loney), but JRap noticed that someone had fallen asleep in a stall. JRap thought something might be wrong at first, but when he asked if the guy was OK, the guy woke up. It was none other than one of the cleaning people, a guy we refer to as the Mike McKenzie of the T-P. You just don't expect something like that to happen at work. Though I guess you have to take a nap somewhere.

For reals, T-P Mike McKenzie creeps the fuck out of me. He does. I'll be at work after the shift writing the blog, and he comes mopping along picking up. He doesn't smile. He doesn't dance. I don't think he does windows. He's always on his bluetooth (I hate those things) talking to lord knows who at 2 a.m. Sometimes, when I go downstairs at 7 or 8 p.m, he's sitting around mopping, talking to his headset. I'm pretty sure he's on that thing for like 80 percent of his shift. Maybe he's talking to himself. Or getting the defensive game plan for Sunday.

PARTING SHOTS
I go to pick up our seafood order. Bobby's is a family establishment. A male customer is talking with an older lady behind the counter about a picture taped to the glass.

Customer: Is that your child in the picture?
Worker: Yes. That's my grandson.
Customer: Who is the man with him? His father?
Worker: No. That's Sean Payton.
(Customer stares blankly.)
Worker: The Saints coach.
Customer: Oh. OK.

Brick is reading a Tulane story.

Brick: Army's not in the Sun Belt anymore?
Lopes: No.
Me: They retreated.

Liam, Marcus and I walk into the cafeteria as Marcus tries to make fun of me.

Liam: That wasn't your best.
Marcus: No. I couldn't think of anything better.
Me: Yeah. He thinks much better when he's sitting down.
Marcus: Yeah. You right. ... Hold on. Wait a minute.

Marcus asks Shams if he watched the Rays win last night.

Shams: I was soothing my eyes with Sarah Palin last night.

Lopes checks to see if my name for the David Tyree catch is still on Wikipedia. It is. And two more names have been added. One is called: The Gasp and Grasp, coming from the Giants' video yearbook. Lopes reads that out loud.

Liam: Sounds like a porn move.

Marcus is chatting with D. I didn't get this one, but everybody else thought it was hilarious.

Sandy: Marcus does have some metro sexual tendencies.
Marcus: Better to be a metro sexual than a retro sexual.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
My top five candy bars.

5) Twix.
Was No. 1 when I was an eighth-grader.

4) Mr. Goodbar.
Crunchy peanuts rule.

3) Milky Way.
Thinking about getting one right now. Just checked. None in the building. Damn.

2) Hershey's with Almonds.
Always hits the spot. Put that in the five-cent slot.

1) Snickers.
Energyawesomeness. That could be the next word they put on the package. They got some weird words on there.