YOU GOT SOME SPLAININ TO DO

On Saturday night, Paul and I went to the Warehouse District to meet Kelly and some of her peeps. They went to a wedding for two people I don't know, and now they were letting the good times roll.

We had one big problem, though. We couldn't find anywhere to park. Paul drove around the streets down there for like 20 minutes with no luck. Finally, I said: "Let's just park at the casino." He took my advice, and we parked for free using my poker room trick. Then, we walked to Tchoupitoulas. 

Ten minutes later, we arrived at our destination: Lucy's. I had never been to Lucy's, but I'm pretty sure I have heard of it. And look at those other locations. There's even one on Mars. The rest of the wedding party went to Red Eye, so it was just one table full of drunks at Lucy's. 

Meet John Howell III. I don't really no if he shares his name with his father and grandfather, but I had Thurston Howell III from Gilligan's Island in my head when I heard his name. So, for the rest of the night and since, Paul and I have referred to him as John Howell III. 

Though Paul wanted to call him something a lot worse when he watched him put the moves on Bridgette (one of Kelly's friends Paul always seems to try to get with on New Year's Eve. Whole other story).

The pink object John Howell III is holding in the picture is a digital camera. Someone asked him why he has a pink digital camera, and he explained. I got this shot at the outset of the story. He starts off, "So, I was at Tuck's." 

Paul and I interrupt and ask at the same time: "Did this have anything to do with two bouncers?" (Because three separate people have told me about three separate girls who have had threesomes with two bouncers from Tuck's.) He says no and continues.

J.H. III: "So, I'm at Tuck's a couple of months ago, and this black guy comes up to me. (He pauses.) OK. This black guy. (He then realizes he said that too loud and looks around. He lucks out and continues.) And he asks me if I want to buy a digital camera. I didn't have one, so I look at it. Everything seemed to work. He wanted $100, and I said I only have $20. He took it. The only problem was that he stole it. Turns out, he stole it from a girl that used to date a friend of mine. I saw her at Voodoo today and thought about giving it back. But then I decided, 'Fuck it. I'm keeping it.' " 

This is Kelly's best friend, Nicole. Like a typical girl, she likes to take pictures. But she was going overboard Saturday night. I'm surprised her memory card didn't run out. Kelly also got mad that I hugged her first. 

Then later, I look at a picture of Kelly on Nicole's camera that was just taken. Kelly had a weird look on her face. I say: "Damn, Kelly. You look like the bad guy from Saw." She didn't appreciate the joke (she loves those movies; I don't see why she didn't laugh) and pushes me off the bench and onto the floor. Which wouldn't have been noteworthy except that it was the second time that night she had done that. At least she didn't play a Saw-like game of life or death with me.

This Saints' schedule was on a stand in the empty hallway leading to the restrooms. They have blanks in between the day of the week and the date for the scores. However, the blanks at Lucy's were still blanks. They have specials for Saints' games, but they haven't filled in the scores from the season? That's just sad. I couldn't stand for that. So I filled in the scores. You're welcome, Lucy's. Even though I put the 49ers score as 10 instead of 17. Sue me.

Can you identify the other missing part of this schedule? (Jeopardy! music plays.) Time's up. Look at the game after the first Panthers game. The schedule only has 15 games and is missing the Chargers game. Ironic that I saw this the day before that game. I started to wonder if they were still playing in London. Apparently, whoever made this board is patriotic and is totally against games across The Pond. Looks like we have something in common. 

For some ungodly reason, the girl in the middle of this picture and the guy with the visor on started throwing napkins up in the air like they were confetti. I think it was part of their dance routine. You can see the results on the floor. Don't these assholes know some poor schmuk has to clean that shit up? 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom is watching Season 5 of 24. She doesn't like President Logan. "How is he going to run the country? He can't handle a fucking woman."

We are looking at the T-P's top 100 restaurant list. I tell mom that one of the steakhouses is in the casino somewhere but I'm not sure where. "Fuck. Fucking ask somebody. Win $50 and go in there and have a fucking steak."

Mom realizes that she missed one in her count Sunday. She's been to 8 out of the 100. She knows the reason for the low number. "That's the problem. They're all in fucking New Orleans."

Mom tells me that Amy Poehler had her baby and missed SNL. "Of course, we fucking missed it. Fucking DVR messed that shit up. Just like a VCR. It fucks up sometimes. Ain't no better."

The wind really picked up Sunday night. "What happened last night? My fucking plant outside fell over. Fucking blinds all over the fucking place. It was a fucking mess."

Mom's in the kitchen. She has a container. "Where's the fucking directions?"

I tell mom that I've never tried pumpkin before. "You might like it. It's better than swallowing fucking sushi." (Quick background: Regina made me try sushi one time. Mom still can't believe I let her do it because she knew there would be no way I would like it. She was right.)  

DID YOU KNOW?

Did you know that Obama is leading in the polls? Did you know that McCain's campaign has been on the attack? Did you know that Obama took time off the campaign to visit his sick grandmother in Hawaii? Did you know that Sarah Palin is a hockey mom? Did you know that this is the most important election in our nation's history? Did you know that the economy has become the No. 1 issue in the election? Did you know that we're in a financial crisis? 

Did you know that I'm sick of this campaign? Is it November 4 yet?

PARTING SHOTS

Shams is talking about how the 49ers might be interested in hiring Condoleezza Rice. 

"I guess they figure she won't have a job in January. That doesn't make any sense, though. They must think she's related to Jerry Rice."

Retro quote: October 27, 2004

I think this was said on Letterman.

Johnny Damon: "We (The Boston Red Sox) know we're idiots. We know we're cowboys. And now we know we're World Champions."

THE DAILY TOP LIST

Mike Singletary's rant got me to thinking of all the great sound bytes in the past few years from the world of sports. Here's my top five. 

5) Terrell Owens. Dallas Cowboys receiver.

When: After losing to the Giants in the playoffs last season.

It really is unfair. Tony is my fantasy quarterback, and he's hurt. Sniffle. 

4) Singletary. (See yesterday's blog.)

3) Mike Gundy. Oklahoma State football coach.

When: After beating Texas Tech. And realizing he's 40. 

Nobody deserves to be kicked when they're down, Mike. This press conference is a must for any expecting parent. Can you believe the newspaper wrote about a kid in a college game? 

2) Kevin Garnett. Boston Celtics forward.

When: After winning the NBA title in June and becoming certified.

ANYTHING'S POSSIBLE! TOP OF THE WORLD! He was right, though. Michelle did look good.

1) Dennis Green. Arizona Cardinals coach.

When: After losing to the Bears on MNF.

I rewatched this clip, and the clip was what I thought it was. If you want to crown him No. 1, then crown his ass.