PLEASE DEPOSIT FIVE CENTS
(Like that old Maroon sports column. Ha.)

Jelly comes back to the dinner table after a trip to the vending machine. She seems excited. I immediately sense that it has something to do with Skittles. Partly because I have a sixth sense about all things fruit flavored. (Hmm. That sounded gay.) But mainly because of the fact that she had a bag of the candy in her hand.

Jelly reports that the Skittles phenomenon just got better. As if. She put in a nickel, and the machine gave her a bag and two dimes in return. That is better. I freak out, take one of the dimes and make like the Road Runner over to the machine.

I put in the dime and select F4, but all I get is a bag of Skittles and a nickel. Where's the justice? Then I think perhaps this trick only works by using a nickel. I try the five-cent coin. Nope. Just another bag of Skittles. I report this, and the group gives a collective disappointing shrug. Oh well.

Jelly and I are on the escalator on our way back to make the newspaper when it hits me like a cold slap across the face.

Me: Jelly, are you sure you put a nickel in the machine? Or did you use a quarter?
Jelly (has thinking look on her face): Oh wait. Maybe I did.

We both bust out laughing, her more so than me. That Jelly. Such a goofball. The good news is I don't have to walk all the way over to the vending machine for the rest of the week because I have two extra bags of Skittles. (I offered them to the desk, but no one took me up. Their loss.) Maybe I should thank Jelly.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom sees a story on Katie Couric in the Living section. "There's an overpaid fucking journalist. She's making fucking millions. Not just two or three. Millions."

Mom asks if I ever talked to Ric Flair. I tell her yes. "Did you tell him you are this big fucking fan?"

I'm watching the end of All the President's Men as mom wakes up and walks in the living room. "Richard fucking Nixon."

Mom then offers her opinion of Bob Woodward. "He was at the right place at the right fucking time. He used that to make his whole fucking career."

MOVE, BITCH! GET OUT THE WAY!

I called Greg last night after I realized while writing the blog that I left my GPS (err, my mom's GPS) in his glove compartment. We arrange for me to meet him at the cafeteria on Loyola's law campus (he's a third-year student) Thursday at 2 p.m. I figure mom won't notice if I put Betsy back one day later.

I'm moping around the house at 2 p.m. when I get a text message. It's from Greg. He wants to know if I'll be there soon to make the exchange. Oh shit. I totally forgot about it. I text back that I'll be there by 3. He texts back that he won't be there much past 3. I take a shower and scramble to get ready for work.

I know if I speed to campus, I'll make it in plenty of time. Except that I got behind this guy at the beginning of River Road. The slow ass son of a bitch went 30 mph (the speed limit is 35, which really means about 42-44) the whole time. I kept hoping he would turn, but he didn't until we got to St. Charles.

There was hardly any traffic going in our direction. On the other side, it was damn near bumper-to-bumper. We caught both red lights on River Road at pretty much the last second. If we were just going the speed limit, we would have made both lights.

If people can get tickets without cops being present for running red lights (even though half the time, they're not really running the light), then there should be some way to give these people tickets for driving slow. I demand action. Of course, I could always have blown my horn at him to get his attention to speed the fuck up. Unfortunately, my horn is not working. I should have that looked at.

PARTING SHOTS

Danny and I are discussing Joe the Plumber at Bud's.

Danny: "You should go by Gene the Rimmer. Kind of sounds like Jack the Ripper but gayer."

Joe the Plumber is then interviewed on CNN in front of his house. Good gawd. He gives his thoughts (as if I give a shit) on Iraq, social security, the state of the country, religion, etc. I bet he'll be working for Fox News soon.

Danny: "They need to change his name. He's no longer Joe the Plumber. He's Joe Pinion." (By the way, can you believe that joetheplumber.com was already taken?).

Jelly has an encounter with Joe the Security Guard near the vending machines. She returns to the dinner table to recount what happened.

Jelly: "He asked me, 'Jennifer do you want to share my pop tart?' " (This caused me to lose it.)

Then Joe the Security Guard passes by our table.
Joe: "Jennifer, your smile is so beautiful."

Later at work, Jelly recalls how she responded to the pop-tart question at the vending machine.
Jelly: "I don't really care for breakfast pastries." (Nice one.)

Even later, Jelly brings up the now infamous pop-tart incident.
Jelly: "I would have been fine if he offered to give me the whole pop tart. But he wanted to share it."
Liam: "That just adds to the experience."

D is confused on which comes first: thunder or lightning.

D: "Usually when I see the sky get dark, I just go inside."


THE DAILY TOP LIST
Watching All the President's Men got me to thinking. Here are my top five print journalism characters in a movie or a television show.

5) Ray Barone. Everybody Loves Raymond. Newsday.
I really liked the episodes in early seasons that concentrated on his career. Then they kind of forgot that he was a sportswriter. That make me sad.

4) Oscar Madison. Odd Couple. New York Herald.
Not exactly a go-getter. But as a kid I was drawn to the sportswriter lifestyle. Sleep. Eat. Be messy. Watch sports.

3) Henry Hackett. The Paper. New York Sun.
He got Marissa Tomei pregnant. Kudos. Then he got to yell, "Stop the presses."

2) Dan Vasser. Journeyman. San Francisco Register.
Sure he cheated by traveling to the past to do his research. But that dude was awesome. Plus, he had a gambling problem.

1) Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein. All the President's Men. Washington Post.
I don't know how I've never seen this before this week. I feel like my life was empty for 24+ years. I will most definitely be watching that many more times. I was sitting on the edge of my seat almost the entire movie. I even paused the screen to read the articles when they showed the headlines for their stories. Redford was pretty freaking incredible. This also becomes No. 3 on my Dustin Hoffman list.