LSU KEEPS HOPE ALIVE

At no point during the South Carolina game Saturday did I think LSU was going to lose. But this team is clearly not anywhere near as good as other teams the Tigers have put together this decade. They have a confused identity on offense. They do have some injuries on defense, but still the unit lacks a certain meanness I've become accustomed to seeing. Hopefully, the second half Saturday was the start of something.

Not that I'm upset. Heck, they're 5-1 and I said at the start of the season, I'm giving them a free pass. Plus, the season is far from over. Georgia and Alabama aren't exactly dominating forces of nature. Both of those games are at home, and I see both coming down to the wire and being decided by a touchdown. Running commentary, anyone?

Notes from beating the Cocks. (Sorry. Had to.)

1) The best tackle made when LSU was on defense in the first half was by a ref. That's usually a bad sign.

2) South Carolina entered Saturday with 20 turnovers in seven games. Late in the thrid quarter, someone said the Gamecocks had two turnovers. I said, "And they still have one more to go in the fourth quarter." Called it!

3) I think Lee has the potential to be pretty good. In a few years. For now, it seems to me that the redshirt freshman has difficulty moving off his first read. That's why he sometimes throws it right to the defense or into a crowd. He has a nice arm and good zip. Saturday he left way too many balls high, though. Like he wanted to join the Kurt Warner Maimed One of My Receivers Club.

4) The 2008 LSU defense was drugged at halftime. I'm pretty sure of this. Because in the second half Saturday, I saw shades of the 2003-07 defense. Tyson Jackson was a beast. The rest of the line got penetration, unlike in previous games. The blitzers were getting to the quarterback, though Garcia proved to be elusive. South Carolina abandoned the run game because they couldn't go anywhere with it. The unit didn't win the game. It took it.

Um, I should have requested Danny McCray be given a different drug. One that knocks him out. That dude continues to impress me with his awfulness.

5) LaFell dropped a couple there, didn't he? Didn't we spend the first part of this season curing him of the dropsies? I wish it were like chicken pox and he could only get them once.

6) I like Keiland Williams and Andrew Hatch. They're certainly not the greatest players ever, but I think they are steady. Hatch adds a running dimension (option, QB keeper, scramble) to the offense. And this is a running offense. So why isn't he out there more?

Williams split carries with Scott on Saturday. I like that. It kept Scott fresh for the winning drive. Plus, Williams made two really nice plays. 1) A 15-yard screen pass to set up the first-half touchdown and 2) An 8-yard run where he turned sideways and scooted through a small crease on the winning drive.

7) On LSU's three touchdown drives Saturday and the two in a row they had last week at Florida to make the score 20-14, the offense looked really good. Mixing the pounding run game with the option, screen passes, quick hits to receivers, making use of the tight end, etc. Then, on every other drive, the offense looks useless.

It's like two different teams. When I watch good LSU, I think they can win the national title with that offense. When I watch bad LSU, I think they could be a contender in the Sun Belt.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

I got a haircut today. My first since July 22. Not a big fan of Lopes calling my Skinhead. It's not nice. And it's certainly not endearing. Anyway, during the haircut my mom got aggravated twice.

I take off my shirt to shake off the hair. Mom takes a look at my back. "Are those fucking stretch marks?"

I take my shirt, twist it up and smack mom in the leg. Hair goes flying off the mat she set up in the kitchen and onto the floor. "That's just great. You go waving your fucking shirt all over the place, and now we have a mess."

TV WEEK IN REVIEW

Best scene: Worst Week. Sam is happy to be part of the family photo on the lawn. Dick's truck, however, explodes (Sam's fault) in the background, and the rest of the family turns around in horror. Sam just keeps smiling as the camera flashes and takes the picture.

Best one-episode character: Heroes. The new "villain" had an insane power to create a vortex and suck something into it. Whatever was sucked in disappeared forever. That's a scary ability. I liked how they killed him off too.

Best romantic scene: The Office. Jim and Pam's mirroring phone messages made me go up to the TV and give them both a big hug.

Best line: My Name is Earl. Randy says to Earl: "The president runs the country, but the pilgrims make all the rules." Earl responds (talking to someone else): "I can't argue with him there. History was the one subject Randy was always better than me at."

Crying moment: Chuck. Chuck and Sarah decide that they can't be together. Very upsetting. Many tears.

This week's rant: Previews. I hate previews. I hate them. They give too much away for the upcoming episode. Sitcom previews aren't that bad because they usually only give away a joke (though that still ruins the joke when I watch the episode) and not the plot. Some of these previews tell you way too much. The Heroes preview last week revealed to me who the surprise bad guy was at the end of the episode. All that drama got built up during the episode. For nothing. I already knew thanks to the production geniuses at NBC.

I avoid previews as much as possbile. Sometimes, I accidentally see them. It's difficult for me to avoid them. They are everywhere. I need to do better.

THE LETTER FOR TODAY IS F. THE NUMBER IS 4.

I wouldn't have been surprised if Big Bird had come strolling through the department Saturday. It was just that kind of week. But seriously. There was a lot of Sesame Street references at work this week.

On Thursday, Jelly and Sandy discovered that they were taking their kids to the same Sesame Street show when it comes to town. Whenever that is. No, Marcus. They are not bringing me along. I don't want to go.

On Friday, instead of the usual Eye of the Tiger, D decides to whistle the Sesame Street theme. I don't think this had any correlation to the conversation the previous day. He just had it stuck in his head from watching the show.

All this Street talk might not make much Sense to an outsider, but we have a lot of youngins in the department. We could open up a day care in the cafeteria to take care of everyone's tykes. How do all you T-P parents feel about leaving your kids with Joe the Security Guard?

I didn't want to feel left out of all this Sesame Street excitement. So last night, I made like the cookie monster and ate up a bunch of chocolate chip cookies with some milk. Gene want cookie. Gene eat cookie.

PARTING SHOTS
Jelly realizes something even more creepy about Joe the Security Guard.

Jelly: He sits down there with all the cameras. He can just be zooming in on me.
Sandy: What can he be zooming in on you?

Sandy, Lopes and I are finishing the prep section late Friday. I tell Sanday that I'll be doing Lopes' job when he's at the London game. However, I make a Freudian slip.

Me: Next Sunday, I'll be doing Lopes.

Jelly returns from Taco Hut with our dinner order. She's passing out everyone's food. Lopes and I both look quizzically at our drinks.

Me: Something must have been wrong with the person behind the counter. These drinks are only 3/4 full.
Jelly: Uh. That was me that filled them.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
The top five days I would travel back to (assuming I have a time machine) to change the course of history. I ruled out anything personal. I can only travel to the day of the event. I only get one shot. But I do wake up in the city where the event takes place.

5) November 9, 1997. Survivor Series. Montreal.
What happened: Bret Hart, my favorite wrestler, was jobbed out of his world title by the company's owner, Vince McMahon. This wasn't fake. This wasn't a storyline. It was real. R-E-A-L. Bret didn't know what was happening. The owner just rang the bell and gave the title to his opponent. It is known in wrestling circles as the Montreal Screwjob.

What I would do: I'd buy a ticket from a scalper in the front row. I would then try to sneak in the dressing room to warn Bret about the screwjob. That probably wouldn't work. So when Vince went to signal for the bell, I'd hop over the rail and steal the ring bell. Sure, I'd be arrested. But Bret might realize what's going on, and the whole plan might be ruined.

4) September 11, 2001. New York.
What happened: No explanation required.

What I would do: Probably have no shot to stop this. I'd start by calling in a bomb threat to the airports. I'd also call in a bomb threat at the WTC. Calling any organization to warn them is most likely futile. Who would believe me? Besides, I'd only have a few hours. But I gotta try.

3) April 2005. The Brainwashing. Los Angeles?
What happened: Katie Holmes was strolling along one day when she happened to meet Tom Cruise. I'm not sure what happened after that, but I do know Katie Holmes was no longer Katie Holmes anymore. Our sweet, cute, innocent Joey had died.

What I would do: Find Katie before Cruise and prevent the encounter from happening. Of course, they could always meet the next day or the next week, etc. I could try brainwashing her myself. Or convincing her to be a devout Christian. Or later in the day, I could find Tom and hook him up with somebody else.

2) April 14, 1865. Assassination. Washington, D.C.
What happened: President Abe Lincoln was watching Our American Cousin at Ford's Theatre when John Wilkes Booth entered the Presidential box and shot him in the back of the head. Lincoln died early the next morning.

What I would do: Go to the White House and warn old Abe not to attend the play. It wasn't that hard to get to the president then, right? Then, I tell him or an official that JWB is plotting to assassinate him later in the evening. They could then keep an eye on him and prevent him from entering the theatre. If that didn't work, I would just stop him myself. Couldn't be too hard.

1) October 14, 2003. The heartbreaker. Chicago.
What happened: With the Cubs five outs from their first World Series since 1945, fan Steve Bartman, sitting down the left-field line, reached out and prevented Moises Alou from making a catch. Many other things then occurred as part of the collapse, but Bartman triggered the chain reaction. As soon as it happened, I looked over at Nick and said, "It's over."

What I would do: First, buy a ticket to the game. Once inside, I have two options.
1) Convince Steve to switch seats with me and offer to pay him whatever I have left (assuming I wake up in Chicago that day with my life savings on me). If he agrees, I sit in his seat and tell the fans around me that we can help win this thing. At the start of the eighth, I tell everyone within ear shot, not to go near a foul ball if one is hit our way.
2) If Bartman doesn't want to switch (despite my guarantee that doing so equals victory), then I pick a fight with him. I either beat the crap out of him (and his headphones) and send him to the hospital or he beats the crap out of me and gets kicked out of Wrigley. Either way, he ain't sitting there come the eighth inning. Or I just threaten to tell the usher that he touched me in a bad place repeatedly until he accepts my ticket and swaps.