ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME?

The NCAA selection show was Sunday. I wasn't too concerned about it. No team really scares me, so the Heels' draw didn't really matter to me. As the bracket was being unveiled, however, I began to realize I might be mistaken.

There was only a bracket and a half left, and neither LSU nor UNC had been placed. Uh-oh. I was hoping the Tigers would be a No. 6 seed, but several experts had them as a No. 8, which meant an LSU-UNC match could happen in the second round.

I sat there and begged the TV to show me LSU as a No. 6 seed. They finished the third bracket. LSU was not the sixth. One bracket left. Scary time. Then, the nightmare became reality. LSU and UNC were put in the same four-team, opening-weekend pairing. Son of a ...

If both teams win Thursday, they'll play Saturday. That game will be the first in which I've ever cheered against LSU in anything. Not cool, selection committee. Not cool. You rat bastards.

When the bracket was revealed, I collapsed to the floor and pounded it. Ugh. If that weren't enough, my third favorite team (if there can be such a thing), Gonzaga, is the No. 4 seed in the same region and could play Carolina in the Sweet 16. I think they did this shit on purpose to me. I'll show them. Somehow.

As for UNC's loss in the ACC Tournament. I didn't mind that. Observe.

2005: Lose in ACC semifinals. Win national title.
2007: Win ACC Tournament. Lose in Elite Eight.
2008: Win ACC Tournament. Lose in Final Four.
2009: Lose in ACC semifinals. See where I'm going?

2005 title team: four losses, one without star point guard.
2009 title team: four losses, one without star point guard.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

Early Sunday morning, my mom and I are watching Kelly Clarkson perform on SNL. "She's always got those fucking black tights on." (Me like.)

Mom watched most of an Ellen Degeneres standup on HBO yesterday. "That Ellen is so fucking funny. I looked ahead on the TV guide through Tuesday. It doesn't come back on. I missed the first 15 fucking minutes."

Mom is surprised. "Did you know that fucking Kendra has her own show now?"

Mom and I are discussing the lax rules when it comes to DWIs. "You always read about people on their second or third offense. If that happened to me, I'd probably be fucking hauled off to jail, and they'd take my fucking license away on the first time."

TV WEEK IN REVIEW

Chuck continued the tease of the Sarah-Chuck romance. Chuck was told: "If you want something bad enough, don't ever take no for an answer." Beautiful line and all, but can't they just fuck already?

After two weak episodes in a row, How I Met Your Mother responded with a winner Monday. I was starting to get worried. That pants thing also has happened to me.

The hour block of The Office and 30 Rock was excellent this week. Love the Willy Wonka and knock-knock jokes. And no. I'm not going to show you my fun cooker.

Heroes. SPOILER ALERT. Well, only if my theory is correct. The big mystery so far this volume is the identity of Rebel, which so far Angela has denied being. I surmised pretty quickly that Micah was Rebel. That has become more and more evident every week. What with the machine controlling and whatnot.

The theory took on another level this week when it clicked in my head that Micah is not working alone. He has a partner. I believe this to be Molly. How else does Rebel always know where the characters are to help them out. The theory makes sense because 1) their powers are being used, 2) they're both kids, and the idea of Rebel being two 10-year-olds is cool and 3) they haven't been on the show in so long, it would be a "shock" to see them revealed as Rebel.

I do think Angela brought them together and is leading the operation.

PARTING SHOT
I tell Marcus that my goal is to get to the Hornets game an hour early Monday.

Marcus: Why?
Me: I'm going to enjoy the music. Play with the little kids.
Sandy: I'd kill ya.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
My only acting experience is a fourth-grade play.

45) Shawshank Redemption. 1994.
Get busy living, or get busy dying.

44) Wedding Crashers. 2005.
No. You lock it up.

43) Enemy of the State. 1998.
Brill: I blew up the building.
Robert: Why?
Brill: Because you made a phone call.

42) Blue Streak. 1999.
Yo tengo el gato los pantalones.

41) Bull Durham. 1988.
Well, I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch ... I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography ... and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.