OH. YOU'RE DANGEROUS, MAVERICK. 

Ladies and Gentleman, I did it. I'm no longer a Val Kilmer virgin. I watched Top Gun (as selected by you, the readers) on Monday afternoon. Aren't you proud of me? Next up, I'm getting a tattoo at a strip club. On second thought, this is enough for now. 

Val Kilmer is not on the cover. Iceman is not one of the three main characters. Does this really count as watching a Val Kilmer movie? OK. OK. It does. But I've still never watched a movie with Val Kilmer as the star. Chuck has suggested Tombstone. 

I felt like I had already seen Top Gun from listening to people talk about it and seeing it referenced by other movies and TV shows. I knew Goose was going to die. Two lines from the movie were already in my quoting repertoire. 1) I feel the need. The need for speed. 2) Your ego is writing checks your body can't cash. I also knew Tom Cruise was going to sing, "You've Lost that Lovin' Feeling" in the bar. 

What I didn't know was that I would get caught up in the love story and be crying at the end when Tom turns around to see Charlie. Son of a bitch, I had just finished drying up my tears from Goose's death. I knew he was going to die. I just didn't know it would be so emotional. I think this cracks my Tom Cruise top 5. Val Kilmer, however, barely made an impact on me. 

It was also nice to see Tim Robbins for like 12 seconds.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom can't wait for the election to end. "Fucking election. People are having parties and shit."

Mom is watching a soap opera. "That's a fuck-up."

Mom greets me in the hall. "I got this big ol' fucking pimple."

I get home Sunday night, and mom is up. "What the fuck is that noise?" I go outside and investigate. I return and report that it appears to be coming from the next street. "They can't hear that? I can fucking hear it. ... I'm going to need (I couldn't make out this word) to fucking go to sleep."

Mom still is talking about the noise Monday afternoon. We're pretty sure it was a car alarm. "Fucking woke me up. How could you not hear that fucking thing and sleep through it? The fucking robbers are long gone."

DID YOU KNOW?

Did you know that the presidential election is Tuesday? For real. Did you know that John McCain is a maverick? Did you know that Barack Obama is for change? I'm going to miss this election coverage. Not.

If you're not sure who to vote for, you can always just vote for me as a write-in candidate. I don't mind. 

MONDAY NIGHT FUN

I went to Chuck's house to hang out and watch the SNL presidential bash Monday night. We flipped to Monday Night Football to watch the interviews with the candidates during halftime. Berman asked McCain and Obama sports-related questions. 

One question was: If you could change one thing about sports today, what would it be? They aired Obama's response first. Before he answers, I tell Chuck: "He's going to say the BCS." Sure enough, Obama wants an eight-team playoff. Before McCain answered, I couldn't come up with a guess as to what he would say. Then, the obvious answer came to me. I called out "steroids" just before he responded. I was right again. 

Chuck and I then met Bob and his friend Alexis at a bar in the Garden District. I already forgot the name of the place. 

The beer that nobody wanted. Alexis said it didn't taste right. "It's skunky." She then had Chuck and Bob taste it to see what they thought. (I refused. Germs, you know.) They agreed enough for Alexis to request another one. 

The bartender, who was on the other side of the bar during the tasting, came over and gave her another beer. The bartender looks at the bad beer and asks our side of the bar: "Does anyone want this skunk beer?" I was astounded. I ask Chuck if "skunk" is some well-known term for a bad beer. He says no.

I just couldn't believe that two people separately referred to a beer as a skunk. Sounds just trendy enough to stick. Henceforth, any beverage not tasting right shall be called skunk. You order a coke at a restaurant and the syrup has run low. It tastes weird. Give it back to the waitress and say: "This is a skunk. Can I have a root beer?"

A Six Beers comes over and starts talking to Chuck. They used to work together. Six Beers starts blabbering on to Chuck. You couldn't understand much of what he was saying. His name was Doug. You remember him, Nick? 

Six Beers shows us a magic trick. He slides this thing pictured above across the bar. It's supposed to scare you because it resembles a mouse. Really, it's just a lime wrapped in a napkin. I think it uses friction or something scientific (I don't do science) to roll across the bar.

Said Six Beers: "I'm going to make a lot of fucking money off this. One time I'm going to come in with two napkins. And in the second napkin, I'll put a real mouse. That will scare the shit out of some people when they see that." Yeah, buddy. I'm sure the owner of the bar will find it hilarious. 

Six Beers rambled on to Chuck for what seemed like forever. Later when Six Beers was sitting with his peeps across the bar, he yelled: "Hey, Chuck. New Castle? You want a New Castle? Hey, Chuck. Chuck. Chuck. Don't hide from me. Chuck. New Castle? Chuck." (He finally gave up.)

Alexis did a funny impression of Six Beers talking. Though I told her it also resembled a drunk freshman chick trying to make out with the dude that brought her home. 

PARTING SHOT

Chuck is slightly upset with Gillie for not bringing her Karaoke machine with her to Nawlins.

Gillie: Sorry. I packed light.

Chuck: More like packed lame.

THE DAILY TOP LIST

My top five small candies. Chocolates excluded.

5) Jolly Ranchers.

I haven't had one in such a long time. Watermelon is my favorite. Or grape. They're both my favorites.

4) Life Savers.

If you choke on one, you can breathe through the hole. Thus, a lifesaver.

3) Laffy Taffy.

Some of the jokes are hysterical.

2) Skittles.

I think I might be addicted. Is there a hotline for that?

1) Blow pops. 

It's candy that turns into gum. Brilliant.