ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL? 

The last two times my peeps have gotten together to throw the old pigskin around, I've been in bed with a cold. Once, I got the cold that morning. So imagine my excitement when a possible game Wednesday was discussed Sunday night. I just got over being sick. Perfect timing.

This used to be my playground. This used to be my childhood dream. This used to be the place I ran to. OK, enough Madonna. This is Cleary's gym, where I used to knock down open jumpers and aggravate opposing guards as if I were a telemarketer and they were on my calling list.

And this is the field, and more important the goal, where I averaged a hat trick playing soccer when I was 12-years-old. Poor goalies never stood a chance when they saw me coming at them with the ball. Ah, memories. 

This is Bert getting out on the field first to put down the cones and such. Bert seems to always be in charge of organizing these football happenings. He makes the phone calls, picks the time, brings the equipment, sets it up and decides how to pick the teams. Basically everything but tell us where to eat afterward. I don't think these games would happen if not for him. 

Originally, Bert put the time of Wednesday's affair at 3 p.m. Paul convinced him to change it to 1:30 because he had to be at work for 5. Guess who was the last person to show up at 2:10? Yup, that would be Paul. That went over well. 

Jacob approaches the huddle where Bert holds the ball with Kelly doing some sort of dance while Paul and Lopes (hands on hip) look on, probably in bewilderment. I was throwing down a Gatorade and trying to catch my breath. I'm uh, how do you say, uh, out of shape. 

Here were the teams: David, Bert, Jacob and Paul (aka the Baton Rouge hoodlums) vs. Lopes, Arvites, Kelly and me (aka Team Awesome). Counting touchdowns as 1, Team Awesome won 10-7, but not without some feistiness from the B.R. hoodlums. I believe it was 7-7.

Here's how we scored our touchdowns:

Pass from me to Lopes: 1 (We did a jump bump after. Let's go to Dick Vitale for analysis on the touchdown and jump bump. "That was super, scintillating, sensational. Let me tell you something right now. These two have a chance to be really special. Really special.") 

Pass from me to Arvites: 2 (Both on beautiful deep balls where Arvites beat his man.)

Pass from Lopes to Arvites: 2 (Both on jump balls in the corner. Can you say tip drill?)

Jarrett Lee by Arvites: 1 (Picked off Bert for an early 2-0 lead.)

Trick play by Arvites: 1 (Half back pass to him, fake throw down field and run around end. For JRap: I think Arvites really stepped up on that one.)

Passes to me: 2 (Both on short catches and long runs, where I made a move. The first one I made a move just like Lance Moore on his first TD Monday night and finished it by flipping the ball like Colston in the end zone after his touchdown.)

Me to Lopes and back to me: 1. (It was fourth down and 20 yards from the end zone with the scored tied at 5. We knew they were using their one blitz allowed on the possession. Jacob and Paul both blitzed me. I got to the outside, but Arvites was well covered in the end zone. I then spotted Lopes at about the 10-yard line. I dumped it off to him. He was about to get touched when he flipped it back to me, as I was trailing the play. I then took the ball and sprinted to the corner of the end zone and got there just before David could slide over and make the TD-saving touch. Let's go back to Dicky V.: "That was awesome, baby! They need a big TO!")

I was pleased with our offensive performance (we also executed this almost perfect play on another fourth down, but I caught the ball out of the end zone). Defense. Not so pleased. I'm also looking forward to being sore for the next three days. Yippy.

After we finished the game, we were chilling on the bench and chatting. This kid in the red hat began pitching. Earlier, he was working on his hitting. He must have been about 10. He was smacking the shit out of the ball. I felt like asking him if he needed an agent.

The other kid standing next to him (probably about 8) was getting worked over it seemed by the coaches. Why are they working these kids so hard in November, I thought. The coach kept yelling at the kid while he was pitching. "You've got to trust your fastball. OK. Another fastball. You've got to trust your fastball. No more breaking balls. All fastballs from here out. You've got to trust your fastball." 

That poor kid is going to be mumbling that as he's falling asleep. And why is he throwing breaking balls in the first place? David said: "Look at the kid. His face is saying, 'Can we just get this over with so I can go play my Playstation?' " 

We then started messing around kicking field goals. I had already taken off my good shoes and had my old tennis shoes on, untied and with no socks. I nailed a 30-yarder by just giving it an easy but effective smack. I then tried from 35 yards. Same motion, but the son of a bitch football hit the post, popped in the air, hit the post again and fell in front of the goal post.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom is pissed at me.

Mom: Did you undo my chicken from the foil and not wrap it back up?

Me: Nope. (OK. I pretty much did that.)

Mom: I put the fucking corn on top of the ribs so you would know which was yours. You something.

Mom tells me she gave some of her famous shrimp and corn soup to the neighbors. I ask her if she told them to heat it for a long time. "You don't think they know that? It's fucking soup."

I tell mom that I'm about to leave and go play football with the kiddies. "You're going to be sore. All that sitting on your ass and watching it."

Mom is confused about the storyline for Season 7 of 24. "How the fuck are they gonna explain Tony?"

Mom is feeling better. "I practically used the whole fucking bottle of (nasal) spray. I got (this) new bottle with Vick's in it. I almost used that whole fucking bottle already."

Mom is watching Oprah, who mentions about 17 times that she put together a Christmas album with a bunch of famous artists that can be downloaded for free on her Web site. I roll my eyes. "You can't just download the free songs (for me)? What the fuck?"

I printed out the lyrics to a David Cook song that mom was having trouble understanding. It took two pages. "It probably takes 20 pages to print out all the fucking songs."

Mom looks over at me working on my computer. I have the earbuds and part of the chord wrapped around my ear lobe. "That's cute. You look like you have fucking earrings on."

Mom is not optimistic about the holiday shopping season. "The retail stores are gonna suffer this year. And it's gonna be a big blowup Friday when it's fucking raining."

FOUR CORNERS

A look at The Gene Pool world

-- I couldn't find my wallet Monday afternoon. I looked everywhere. I turned my bag inside out. Nothing. I started to panic. I called Paul and asked him to swing by Mr. Carl's house to see if I left it over there. 

As soon as I hang up the phone, I reach over into the front pouch of my bag, and my hand touches the wallet. I've never put it in that spot before. I call Paul and tell him I found it. I hang up and realize I forgot to tell him something else. I call him back yet again. He answers: "Wrong wallet?"

-- The wallet wasn't the only idiot moment of the week. I thought my iPod shuffle was broken because it stopped playing in the bathroom where it's hooked up to a radio. (I like to listen to music while showering.) I tell my mom the grave news. She looks at it. "The battery is fucking dead." Oops.

-- The Internet hasn't been working at my house the past few days. So to start the blog and to publish it, I've been driving around the corner to pick up a signal. I feel like a spy parked outside some one's house with my laptop on my lap. Hopefully, no one calls the cops on me. 

-- Boy, they're not kidding when they say your car insurance drops when you turn 25. I got my first bill since making 25 on Wednesday. My last bill was $855.30 over six months. My new bill: 646.02. Let's go to Bob Barker: "A difference of ... 209.28." Hot damn!

PARTING SHOT

During our chat after the game, this exchange took place. 

David: So, Paul. You hook it up with that girl yet?

Paul: Which one?

David: Well, aren't you the pimp.

Paul: Not really. The answer is neither. I was just curious which one you meant.

THE DAILY TOP LIST

The top five factions or duos I've been with that had a nickname.

5) Scorpio Row.

JRap, Sandy and I sit in a row at work. We're all scorpios. We meet once a month in the cafeteria to discuss how to take over the office with actual scorpions. 

4) The Coalition. 

An organization of seven formed in December of senior year. We all met up at Lord of the Rings one night, and we took on the moniker from there. We had meetings at lunch. I'm serious about this one. We started the meetings when one of the members ate his first M&M and ended it when he finished the bag. Four or five us were always together. 

Unfortunately, the Coalition had a tragic ending. It involved Regina and her friends (who at one time assigned each of us to one of the Seven Dwarfs) and backstabbing and a teddy bear being put in a blender.

3) Team JLE.

A no-nonsense group that kicks ass and asks the questions later. Jelly, obviously, is the captain that makes it happen. JRap is the senior member. Then, I was added. I believe Lopes is part of this as well now. We don't need meetings. We're telepathic.  

2) The Val-Sal connection.

For most of high school, Johnny and I were in first and second place in class ranking. We were also on two soccer teams for most of high school. In ninth grade, I was in first, he second, and we noticed that we hooked up on several goals, including once to win a tournament. Obviously, our combination needed a name to go with its greatness. 

We came up with this little moniker. When he passed me up later in the ninth grade for good, we stuck with the name. We also used it to refer to ourselves at lunch, like if we dissed somebody. 

1) The Triangle of Trust.

For about two years, Bake, Jelly and I sat in a corner of the department, our desks lined up in a equilateral triangle. We got along well and agreed a lot. We promised to watch each other's backs and pick up the slack when one wasn't there. Our meetings were every night we worked together, staying in frequent communication. 

When I moved to my own desk around the end of April, the Triangle of Trust remained, just not in relation to our desks because we are now in a line. Still, sometimes when I do agate (on the old computer), the Triangle reunites. Whenever that happens, I arrive at my desk and announce: "Triangle Unite."