MAYBE THEY ALL LOOKED AT JELLY'S PICKS.

I'm at work Thursday when I get a call. I don't get many calls at work, so I knew it could only be a few people. I wasn't, however, expecting Ann from Marketing. Usually, she calls me if I forget to turn in the games for the football forecast we run in the paper every week. But I haven't done that in like almost a year.

The football forecast is 12 games - six college, six pros - and the TP readers guess the winners of all the games. If they get 11 or 12 - I forget which - they split like $1,000 with whoever else wins. Really, I should know more about this nonsense since, you know, I get paid to select the games in the forecast. But whatever.

In my defense, I pick the games every Monday for not the upcoming weekend, but the one after that. So, 12 and 13 days later when those games are played, I don't remember what games I picked. Would you? Anywho, back to Thursday's phone call.

Ann: "Hey, Gene. Did you pick all easy games for this weekend's contest?"
Me: "Um. I don't think so. I don't exactly remember which ones I picked. I do know that next week's games are tough."
Ann: "Good. Because we don't want a repeat of this past week."
Me: "Repeat?"
Ann: "We got 175 calls this week from people claiming to have won. And 147 of them did win."
Me: "How many usually win?"
Ann: "About 15, and we get 20-25 calls. We've been swamped all week. Plus, we had to send out 147 checks for something like five dollars each."
Me: "Oops."
Ann: "You're doing a fabulous (her favorite word) job picking the games this year. Let's just hope that was for one week."
Me: "I pick the toughest games every week. I'm almost positive not many will win next week."
Ann: "OK. Good. We were just confused about all the calls this week."

As I hung up the phone, I realized that the call was Marketing's way (not Ann specifically, but her superiors) of admonishing me. It didn't hit me right away because she was so friendly and we chatted about a few other things. That first line, however, told the story.

Thanks for implying that I tried to make the contest easy so that as many people as possible could split a couple of bucks. Yeah, marketing, I did that as a prank to make you do more work. Oh, no. More phone calls. Heaven forbid. I should make them answer the phone up here one night.

I still felt bad, though. Technically, it's my job to make the contest difficult, and because so many people won, you could argue I cost the company money on stamps. So I went back to last week's results to see if I could figure out why 147 instead of 15 people won.

The answer is simple. Every favored team in the contest (both NFL and college) emerged victorious. The 147 geniuses just took the spread and picked the favored team. Ladi friggin da.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom is flipping through the channels. She stops at 27 Dresses and sees Katherine Heigl. "I want to watch this, but I can't fucking stand her."

Mom and I are watching House. SPOILER ALERT!

I ask mom how she feels about Cameron being heavily involved in the episode. "Bout fucking time."

Mom observes Wilson talking to Cuddy. "He just wants to fuck her."

Mom is shocked by a detail in the Cameron-Chase relationship. "A year and a half and she still ain't gave him a fucking drawer?"

House discovers what is ailing the patient. "Should have known it had something to do with the fucking bullet."

HELP, I NEED SOMEBODY. HELP!

Derry pointed out the other day that when discussing sports, I often use a cousin of such phrases as "not to mention" and "needless to say." Let's use the Lakers-Hornets game from Wednesday as an example.

Someone: The Hornets made a great comeback, but that damn Kobe made a tough shot.
Me: Well, David West just giving the Lakers the ball twice down the stretch didn't help.

I never really paid attention to this tendency of mine until Derry said something. Now, I can't help but notice it. And stand up next to it with pride. Basically, if someone declares something as the reason for a loss, I'll throw my two cents in there by adding a second reason. Always using the form of this phrase: "Well, blah blah blah didn't help."

I do this because teams don't usually suffer a defeat based on one reason. Sometimes, people focus too much on one downfall. Yet there are many factors. It is possible that I could have also said: "Not to mention, David West ..." But, eh, that's kind of a stretch. Which is why Derry and I agreed that "well, blah blah blah didn't help" is just a cousin and can be tolerated.

Besides, it's my own saying and not a worthless, shouldn't-be-used phrase like the rest of them. I'm keeping it.

PARTING SHOTS
D is reading the preview for the Hornets-Blazers game Friday.

D: I want to go to the block party. (He reads the next sentence of the story.) Oh, man. It's a Christian block party. Never mind.

Liam shows Brick the name of Troy's outside linebacker. It's Bear Woods.

Brick: What do you think his middle name is?

We are discussing the T-P desk pool for the NFL games. D is in seventh place.

D: I'm gonna catch all of ya'll. From behind.

I'm trying to figure out a discrepancy in the Hornets story. I consult the big guy.

Me: Hey, Marcus. Where did you people get this stat from?
Lopes: You people? What the fuck you mean you people?

THE DAILY TOP LIST
My top 10 TV characters of all the times. How many can you name without reading?

10) Peter Petrelli. Heroes.
So many abilities. Well, when he had them.

9) Shawn Spencer. Psych.
Reminds me of me.

8) George Costanza. Seinfeld.
Well, the jerk store called. They're running out of you.

7) Chandler Bing. Friends.
Many lines in my arsenal come from him.

6) Peter Griffin. Family Guy.
If he were a good parent, the show wouldn't be any fun.

5) Jim Halpert. The Office.
If only I could get away with such pranks here.

4) Greg House. House.
He's a drug addict and an asshole. But I can't get enough of him.

3) Rob Petrie. The Dick Van Dyke Show.
Ah, simpler times. Simpler times.

2) Zack Morris. Saved by the Bell.
My hero when I was a child.

1) Jack Bauer. 24.
You can't kill Jack. You can only hope to not be killed by him.