CHAPTER VII. THE CRAZY COMES OUT.

Previously on High School Girlfriend Saga: My mom took me back after kicking me out of the house. I told Regina at the Rummel/Chapelle Challenge that I didn't want to get married in the summer, which led to an all-night conversation in her driveway. She began to tell me a deep, dark secret on Saturday, March 23, 2002.

And action.

We pick up where we left off in Regina's revelation: "My dad was a secret government agent. And in 1985, he was flying to the Middle East on a mission when terrorists blew up his plane in mid-air."

That was just the tip of the iceberg. I'll get to the rest of it in a second. Just know that I didn't interrupt this story and kept a serious, sympathetic face the whole time. Inside, I was freaked out more than I've ever been (to this day). I also had to keep from rolling my eyes like every five seconds. Back to Regina.

"You see, he was on his way to expose the terrorists and take them down, but they got to him first. I was only 2-years-old and had no dad. My mom did her best to take care of me and stay strong. Bear (second husband) has been a big help. But she didn't have to worry about me.

"My dad knew that he could be killed by a terrorist at any time. So, he had one of his men promise to take care of his family if something ever happened to him. I've had a real-life guardian angel ever since. You might not believe me, but the signs have been everywhere.

"Like one time, the flowers in the vase were starting to die, but the next day there were brand new flowers that were full of life in the vase. Neither of us replaced them. I knew it was my guardian angel. I've woken up in the middle of the night many times and could feel the presence of my angel in the room. As far back as when I was 2, I can remember him sitting on the edge of my bed watching over me.

"It's not just at the house. He watches out for us out there as well. And the best part is once he comes to trust you, he'll watch out for you, too. Kevin (her previous boyfriend) didn't believe me until he noticed a car following him around one day. He finally realized that it was my guardian angel protecting him as well. My angel even stopped Kevin from getting robbed once.

"So, there it is. I've let you into my soul. It's a lot to take in, I know. I love you so much. I know how it sounds, but I've lived it all my life. This is who I am. Do you believe me?"

Me: Yes. I do. (I always know just the words a woman wants to hear.)
Regina: Good. I know you must have your doubts, but you just wait until you notice my guardian angel becoming your guardian angel as well.

I didn't tell anybody about this conversation. Not my mom, who to this day refers to Regina not by her name but by 'cuckoo' even though she still doesn't know this story. Not my friends. I eventually told Paul, who thinks the anecdote is priceless. Here's our running joke:

Me: You know, Paul, I don't think Regina was that crazy. We could still be together.
Paul: Not that crazy? She told you her dad was killed by terrorists, but he sent a guardian angel to sit on the edge of her bed and watch over her.
Me: That could all be true. You never know.
Paul: If you believe that, maybe you should have married her.

This girl wasn't just not playing with a full deck, she wasn't playing with any deck. She had no cards, except maybe the card that lists the hands in order of best to worst. Six years have passed and I haven't come close to experiencing anything that crazy. And I watch a lot of TV. Besides that, though, our relationship was rock solid. Well, for that week, anyway. We put the whole marriage thing on hold and had some fun.

On Saturday, March 30, 2002, my plan was to watch the Final Four, which is one of like five events I really look forward to every year. Regina, however, had other ideas for my evening. We were going to a concert at the Pontchartrain Center. I wussied out of putting up a fight to stay in. I missed both games, and I hated the concert. After the show, I started a fight that left Regina doubting my love again.

Another problem for us had been Regina's choice of college. Her dream college was SCAD (Savannah School of Art and Design) in Atlanta. But she didn't want to play long-distance games. She was committed to making our relationship work and opted to go with me to Loyola (You hear that? That's all of my Loyola friends collectively grasping their breath.)

Starting with the Final Four fight, we hit a rough patch. We had good moments, but we always ended up fighting about the future. Her pushing for a summer marriage, me trying to convince her that there's nothing wrong with waiting. This went on for the first three weeks of April.

On Wednesday, April 24, 2002, Paul and I went to the Palace to watch a movie. We were in the parking lot, when my phone rang. It was Regina.

Me: Hey. What's up?
Regina: I need to tell you something.
Me: Make it quick. We're about to see a movie.
Regina: I know. It's just that I can't take this anymore. I love you and I want to be with you, but I can't wait for you for "x" number of years to decide when we get married. You know, I'm rejecting a great opportunity to go to SCAD for you. (Pause.) So, it's either make the commitment and marry me this summer or I think I'm going to SCAD."
Me: OK. I ...
Regina: You don't have to answer right now. Enjoy your movie. But I'm serious. This is an ultimatum. The choice is yours."

TO BE CONCLUDED. ... (Just like Back to the Future)

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom is talking about the weather. "Did you hear that fucking thunder earlier? I was outside. It scared the fuck out of me."

Mom and I are discussing her getting a new cell phone. One of our options is to add her to my plan. She's been using prepaid minutes for like four years. "I'm thinking I might just say 'Fuck it' and get my own plan."

Mom and I then took a ride running various errands, including a stop at T-Mobile. Here's what went down.

In the car, mom is talking about her diet. "My weight has been on a fucking yo-yo since I was 15."

We run into traffic in the Elmwood area. I think James Bond just let out because there was a long line coming from the Palace. "Look at all this traffic. Fucking Friday."

Mom enters the parking lot near K-Mart. "Have you seen gas prices? Fucking gas is under $2."

After an hour at T-Mobile, mom emerged an owner of a new cell phone with her own plan. Big moment, but it didn't come without a hassle. "All that to keep my fucking number." (There was a problem with the switchover.)

Mom is excited about her new phone.
Mom: Will you take some time to show me some stuff on the phone when we get home?
Me: Nope. (I was kidding, but she didn't get it.)
Mom: Fuck you, then. I can learn myself.

We're driving down Hickory. "A cop was watching people down there Sunday. Fucking cop with a radar. Caught two people at once."

We're discussing 401(k)s and the stock market. "Fucking stop taking it out of the check."

We pull up to the Rite Aid. "They asked a kid the other day how many text messages he uses. He said 200 to 300 a day. Fucking ridiculous."

We're on our way home after picking up lunch. Mom sees some construction. "Fucking new house. Who the fuck could afford to build a new house right now?"

We return home. Mom asks me if I recall the last phone I had. I say no. "You don't remember that phone? You lost it in my couch. We had to cut a fucking hole in the couch to get it out." (True story.)

THE GENE POOL DIP (I MEAN TIP) OF THE WEEK

Want to make some money this weekend? Well, then you've come to the right place. Since the second week of the season, we've been picking all the NFL games against the spread at work, assigning each game a point value from 1 (or 3 during bye weeks) to 16. We've kept running standings. Jelly is killing us (and by us, I mean the 10 dudes in the competition).

So, the tip of the week is take Jelly's picks for this weekend's games, find a bookie and bet big on all the games. Her record on the season is 78-51, including picking the Jets on Thursday night. She even got the maximum 16 points for it. That's a percentage of 60.47. You only need like a 53 percent clip over time to make money. This is a sure bet. (Unless, of course, I'm jinxing her. In which case, I'm not sorry.) Here are her picks:

Saints (-5.5) over Chiefs
Packers (-4.5) over Bears
Ravens (+6.5) over Giants
Dolphins (-10.5) over Raiders
Bengals (+9.5) over Eagles
Lions (-13.5) over Panthers
Broncos (+5.5) over Falcons
Colts (-7.5) over Texans
Bucs (-3.5) over Vikings
49ers (-5.5) over Rams
Cardinals (-2.5) over Seahawks
Steelers (-3.5) over Chargers
Jaguars (+2.5) over Titans
Cowboys (-1.5) over Redskins
Bills (-5.5) over Browns

I advise against betting the Bills and Broncos. But besides those, go nuts, folks. And in case you were wondering, my record sits at 64-65.

PARTING SHOTS
Sandy is talking about her kids to Pierce.

Pierce: What's scarlet fever?
Me: You get it from Clark Gable.
Marcus: Frankly, Gene. I could kick your ass right now.

Derry tells me he's stealing the idea for my top 10 TV characters list.

Derry: I'm also going to do a Top 10 places I wouldn't go if I won a vacation there.
Marcus: Hopefully, one of them is a nude beach.
Derry: Why? You afraid to see me there?
Brick: Now, there's the picture of the day.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
In light of Saturday's Rockets-Hornets showdown, my top five Rockets since I've been watching.

5) Mario Elie. 1993-98.
Made that "Kiss of Death" 3-pointer against the Suns in 1995. That was cold. Plus, he used to wear those rubber bands on his wrists. I copied that.

4) Steve Francis. 1999-2004.
Sure, he's been a dog for like five years. But I can't forget the good years.

3) Tracy McGrady. 2004-present.
This is the year T-Mac gets out of the first round. Please, let it be the year.

2) Clyde Drexler. 1994-98.
Was a big fan when he was with the Trail Blazers. I even had his Portland jersey. Yes, it was a small, Marcus. He and the No.1 on this list are my favorite sports duo.

1) Hakeem Olajuwon. 1984-2001.
Two words: Dream Shake.