I'M NOT PULLING YOUR FINGER

JRap was catching up on the Pool on Friday after the shift was over. I was working on Friday's entry when I look over in his direction. He had just read an item on Thursday's blog and was shaking his head. I was curious, so I asked what had caused him to have the shakes.
JRap: It's your friend, Paul. He needs a reality check.
Me: Yeah. He can be pretty clueless.
JRap: From now on, we shall call these types of idiot moments pulling a Paul.

I agreed. Any time someone has a clueless moment (and I have my fair share of these), that person is pulling a Paul. I thought about adding it to the urban dictionary to see if maybe it would catch on nationwide. Like taint or raw dog. Then, I decided I should give a "pulling a" definition to everyone in the office. Introducing the ...

T-P DICTIONARY

-- pulling a Gene, v.
1) to interrupt a conversation not involving you and interject your unwanted opinion
2) to make a proof and forget for like 20 minutes to go pick it up
3) to overextend a conversation and not know when it's time to shut up
4) to get under Marcus' skin and increase his blood pressure by screwing up or "being disgusting"
5) to quote a movie, TV show or real person
6) to think a game is about to end when it's really in the third quarter

-- pulling a D, v.
1) to announce news as if it were breaking when everyone else discussed it hours ago
2) to tell a story about days gone by, way by
3) to supply a utensil or a packet of some sort of sauce to someone in need
4) to refuse to believe a story by saying, "No, he didn't"

-- pulling a Bake, v.
1) to insert the corniest joke possible into a conversation, especially if not in said conversation
ex: I'm trying to finish a daily top list.
Me (out loud to no one): I need a No. 5.
Bake (as if I asked him): With fries?
2) to keep hope alive for a comeback no matter how large the deficit in a game
3) to refuse to pay for something by deeming it too pricey
4) same as pulling a Gene No. 6

-- pulling a JRap, v.
1) to give way more information than requested on a pop culture or sports subject
2) to blow some one's mind with historical Saints knowledge
3) to be surprised someone doesn't know something that you do and say, "Oh, you don't remember?"
4) to organize dinner/make a food run/go to the snack machine (all for multiple people)

-- pulling a Jelly, v.
1) to pick far more than half the NFL games right against the spread in a given week
2) to pretend to listen (without being caught) and make vague comments during some one's story
3) to get pregnant in order to avoid working an ArenaBowl or other undesirable event
-- pulling a Yelly, var.
1) to get frustrated with something or somebody and yell, "I don't care" or "Just shut up"

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom walks into the kitchen at 3 a.m. "I go to sleep, and it's a clean house. I wake up to a fucking mess."

Mom sees that T-Pain is the musical guess on SNL tonight. "Who the fuck is T-Pain?"

Mom has a real tooth problem. Her dentist told her she needed to take antibiotics last night, but she couldn't get to the store because she had just taken a pain pill. "My fucking tooth has nerve damage. I wasn't about to get behind the fucking wheel. I passed out in the fucking bed."

Thus, mom had to wait for the store to open at 9 a.m Saturday. At 5:30 a.m., she was in agony. "I need to take a fucking pain pill. I don't know if I can wait fucking three and a half hours." (She did and is feeling a little better.)

Mom and I are watching Life on Mars. She looks at Harvey Keitel's shoes. "Look at those fucking white shoes."

Mom is looking forward to Monday's Two and 3/4 Men. "Jake's getting a girlfriend. Bout fucking time."

Mom read the story about the prosecutor getting arrested. "I read the fucking story, and I still don't understand it."

I'm watching the LSU-Ole Miss game. CBS tells me for the 374th time that Herman Johnson is the biggest baby born in Louisiana history. Mom is astounded by his size. "Mo-ther-fuck. Fifteen fucking pounds. That's two babies. Mo-ther-fuck." (I read this curse to Jelly. She says: Maybe he ate his twin.)

The announcer says something something Alabama. Mom references Forrest Gump. "Ala-fucking-Bama."

TV WEEK IN REVIEW

Best line: The Office. Michael wants to fire Toby, but the big boss says they can't do that without proper cause. Michael: "I do have cause. It is be-cause I hate him." Runner-up. 30 Rock. Jack tells Lemon that she will go on the date (with Steve Martin's character) and she will go like a Chinese gymnast. "Wear tight clothes. Smile at all times. And lie about your age."

Best scene: Life on Mars. The last five minutes, from when Sam's dad shoots him until he finds that off-the-road spiritual house. That shit was crazy, yo.

Best guest star. Fred Willard. First, on Worst Week on Monday, Willard played Sam's father with an outgoing personality, quite the opposite of Mel's dad. Then on Pushing Daises on Wednesday, Willard was a murdered magician, killed by his understudy. Always a laugh involved with that Freddy Willard.

I called that shit: I predicted three surprises in TV land this week. First, I knew way ahead of the revelation that Jill was a Fulcrum agent on Chuck. Like when the other agent didn't shoot her at the opera. Then, I knew that the other bitch on Gary Unmarried and her husband weren't really together either. That one was pretty easy. And on House, I knew that the older brother was causing the younger brother's disease. In summary, I'm awesome.

This week's super rant: The Mentalist. This is the No. 1 new show on TV. It has 15.5 million viewers a week. All of them suckers. I would not be caught dead watching this crap. And it's not that I don't like the concept of the show. In fact, I love the concept of the show. It's just that I already watch this show. Yeah, it's called Psych, which is in its third season on USA.

Why would you want to watch a show where someone took what another show does, copies it exactly and then airs it on another network? That's horrible. Oh wait. I forgot. Billion dollar network companies can't think of much original stuff. Let's look at the basics for The Mentalist.

1) The main character is an independent consultant for the Calif. Bureau of Investigation. On Psych, Shawn Spencer works as an independent contractor for the Santa Barbara PD, which happens to be in California.
2) The Mentalist uses his razor sharp skills of observation to solve crimes. Yup, that's exactly what Shawn does.
3) The Mentalist used to pretend to be psychic but has admitted he was faking. We all know Shawn is faking, but his employers don't necessarily know. Point is they both at some point pretended to be psychic.
4) The Mentalist ignores protocol and is often witty. Have you met Shawn?
5) The lead detective doesn't buy the Mentalist's persona. He thinks the Mentalist is a fraud, despite the fact he solves case after case. This is the exact relationship of Lassiter and Shawn.

I think what pisses me off even more is that CBS and those shows that talk about celebrities and such are pretending like this is some newfangled concept. The main actor said in an interview that the cast is really tight and talented and they're all working really hard to be successful. Working hard? By doing what? Watching Psych DVDs?

I'm going all Matthew McConaughey in How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days: I'm calling Bullshit. The Mentalist is a complete fraud. I think Shawn should arrest his ass for identity theft.

PARTING SHOTS
Bake looks at the budget and sees we are doing a big story on Mike Tirico.

Bake: Tirico? What the fuck?
(I tell Lopes about the story on AIM. He responds: WTF?)

Jelly and I are discussing the "pulling a whoever" thing.

Jelly (to Liam): We're trying to decide what pulling a Liam is.
Liam: I like it better when the ladies say that.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
The top five things I can name the annual winner of going back to the 90s or farther.

5) Most popular boys name in America.
OK. So this one is really easy. From 1954 to 1998, the most popular boys name was Michael (except for 1960 when David was king). Every year since, it's been Jacob. At least you just got educated. In case you are wondering, girls names aren't hard to remember either. Observe.
1962-69: Lisa
1970-84: Jennifer
1985-90: Jessica
1991-92: Ashley
1993-95: Jessica
1996-07: Emily

In 1880, when this thing was first kept track of, the most popular names were John and Mary. Go figure.

4) Royal Rumble winners.
I've seen almost every one, including one live in 2001.

3) Playmates of the Year.
For some reason, the one I vote for never wins. I hope to reverse that trend this year.

2) World Series of Poker champions.
I've seen every hand shown on ESPN starting in 2003. I think I can name most of the winning hands, too.

1) Final Four MVPs.
Final Four weekend is my favorite time of the year. Saturday night: national semifinals. Sunday night: WrestleMania. Monday night: national championship. I can go back to 1979 on this one.