CARA AND PAUL MAKE A WEB SITE

If you know anything about me, you know that I am a borderline stalker. (See taking a picture of Ashley on Canal Street.) Just ask Lopes. He'll tell you all about how I'm creepy. Really, though, it's just because I'm a curious cat. And well, I have a lot of time on my hands and access to that crazy Internet.

So when I found out that Paul actually was going on this date tonight with Cara to the Lakers-Hornets game, I had to see if I could learn anything about her online. Before I tell you about that, here was the plan as I know it: Cara was to meet Paul at the Palace because "I've only met you once, and well, you never know." Touche, Cara. Then, off to the Hornets almost comeback against the Lakers. Concluded with a visit to the Mid-City Bulldog (to which I had to give Paul directions because until Monday night, he had never heard of it.)

Sorry to inform you, but I didn't learn anything about Cara online. Paul, that unaware nitwit, didn't acquire her last name in hitting on her at the Hawks-Hornets game last Wednesday. Even so, I searched through facebook's database of all Cara's from LSU. Nothing. Checked My space for Cara's from the local area. Nothing. Did google searches with her name and New Orleans, her name and LSU, her name and Rita Fajita, her name and Ochsner. Nothing.

But I did find a most awesome Web site. When I typed in Cara New Orleans, I got a result for: caraandpaul.com. It's a site dedicated to the November 7th, 2009, wedding of a couple named Cara and Paul. I thought that was cute and funny. The crazy part is not the existence of the site but that Cara is from here and went to Mount Carmel. Yeah, I read the entire Web site. Twice.

They are getting married at Holy Name. They met when they were 5 and 3, respectively because their parents became friends via both husbands going to Loyola Law School. They first hooked up on Bourbon Street when Paul was visiting on Spring Break. Before that, Paul had shown no interest in Cara. It doesn't give me their age.

If you get a chance, read about the proposal. Make sure you have a tissue near. I feel like I know these people and everyone standing in their wedding. I know the date. I know the location. I know their stories. Great Scott, I belong there. Who wants to be my plus-one?

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

Mom looks at the front page of the paper. "Fucking Ku Klux Klan." Here's the story. If you read it, notice how the KKK members got caught. What store was that?

Mom and I are chatting. "You ever figure out what the fuck is on your back?"

I eat lunch in the living room. I take out The Soprano's DVD mom was viewing to watch an episode of Cheers. Mom walks in. "You took out my disc? Of course. Who gives a fuck?"

Mom isn't happy that I put an empty container back in the fridge. She starts off yelling. "What is wrong with you? You don't put anything away. (Then calmer.) Fucking pathetic. You leave your clothes on the floor. You live like a fucking animal. Where'd you get that from? You didn't get it from me."

FOUR CORNERS
A closer look at The Gene Pool world

-- I made three wishes yesterday when my mom had me blow out three candles on a half-eaten cake. I can't tell you what they were because then they wouldn't come true. But I can tell you that one was personal, one was for someone I care about and the other affects us all.

-- I've almost killed two animals in the past week. First, I was going 30 mph down a side street heading to River Road last Friday when a dog sprinted into the street from its yard. I slammed my breaks (things went flying) so hard that they made a funny-not-supposed-to-be-hit-that-hard sound. The dog, which went right in front of my car, disappeared from my view because he was so close.

I braced myself for the impact of bumper on flesh. Fortunately, it didn't come, and I saw the dog emerge unscathed and continue to the other side of the street. It's a good thing another car wasn't behind me.

The other time was Saturday on the way home from work. I think it was a cat. Or maybe a skunk. There's no way to know for sure. But it darted in front of my car as I hit the brakes (about half as hard as before). This one wasn't too close, but still. I think the third time will be the charm for me. Keep your fingers crossed.

-- We're getting new e-mail here at work. We're switching to Outlook Express. The fun part was going to the hour-long meeting so that not one, but two people can train us on how to use e-mail. Of course, I showed up late for my meeting today. Whatever. The woman running the class said our session was the best she's had. We finished in 40 minutes, compared to 1 1/2 hours for a group earlier in the day. Of the earlier group, the woman said: "They made me want to spike my coffee."

In the training, we were taught how to create e-mail, forward e-mail, put an attachment on e-mail, etc. Jelly and I tried to keep sending funny comments in the e-mail to each other. Jelly was also a dork and energetically answered a question at the end of the session. The woman in charge gave her an A. Now, she thinks she's e-mail valedictorian. Even though I had to show her how to create a new password not 10 minutes later.

-- Derry had too much time on his hands the other day. He sat there and broke down our T-P desk NFL pool using all kinds of crazy numbers. We pick every game every week using the spread and then weight the games in order of importance. We've kept running standings all year. I'm in fifth place in points and fifth place in overall record at 64-64. So, I've got half the league figured out.

On a winning note, I'm second behind Jelly (who is first in just about every category) in picking underdogs with a 36-29 record. Which just proves I know all about losers.

PARTING SHOTS
I tell Bake, a fellow UNC fan, that Duke has looked impressive so far.

Me: You shakin'?
Bake: And bakin'.

I type in the Web site for Cara and Paul's wedding to Lopes on AIM without telling him what the site is all about. He sees the name of the site.

Lopes: That was fucking quick.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
I wanted to do my top five slogans. Then I found a wikipedia page that basically lists every slogan ever used. There's so many good ones, I need to break them up. So here are my top five candy slogans.

5) Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger! Butterfinger.
Bart Simpson's ad had Butterfinger as my No. 1 candy bar for a while.

4) Two for Me! None for you. Twix.
I love saying this to people when they ask for one of the bars.

3) What would you do for a Klondike Bar? Klondike Bar.
I'd put it higher on this list.

2) The milk chocolate melts in your mouth, not in your hand. M&Ms.
Classic.

1) There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.
This is true. I've tried to eat it the wrong way. Can't do it.