NO ANSWER. NO INTERNET. NO SAINTS.

When I dropped off my dad last night after the Hornets game, I was ready for some excitement. I was off on a Saturday night with an extra hour thanks to daylight savings. Unfortunately, every one in The Gene Pool Nation either was unavailable or didn't answer the phone. Which when you think about it is quite sad. I went home.

I attempt to start the blog again, but just like before I left for the game, the Internet wasn't working. I thought I was going to have to do the unthinkable and drive to work to use the Internet. Fortunately, I was able to connect around the corner.

If anyone on that street had looked out the window, they would have thought I was checking out the street to rob it. I was driving almost on the curb and stopping every 100 yards to try to connect. Creepy, I know. But whatever works, right? I returned home, but the Internet still didn't work there. Then I turned on the TV (Blink 182 song lyric) to catch up on the past few days of action.

On Sunday, Paul worked the day shift so I had nobody to go to the Fox & Hound with to watch the noon NFL games. I was looking forward to enjoying all the action without having to worry about the Saints. Oh well. I watched the Packers-Titans game at home while I did Saturday's blog. I finished a little after the overtime and went to the Fox & Hound anyway to eat and watch some of the Dolphins game.

Usually, I'm at the F&H to watch Saints games, and it is packed. But Sunday afternoon, not so much. I sat next to another Dolphins fan (who was middle-aged) at the bar and we cheered together. The waitress brings over a beer for him.
Waitress: Sorry. I put too much head on it.
Older Fins fan: That's OK.
Waitress: You know, I always do that. Then, I apologize to the customer, and they always say: You can never give too much head. I walk into that one every time. Hee-hee.

Since the Saints were off and we're halfway through the season, how about some midway thoughts? Glad you said yes.

1) Can Carolina and Tampa Bay make any more huge comebacks? Good lord. That shit ain't fair, yo.
2) MVP: Clinton Portis. Five consecutive 120-plus yard games for a 6-2 team. Though a lot of the credit goes to the offensive scheme and the offensive line. He has some nice, initial holes to run through. Runner-up: Tony Romo. Boy, to the Boys look bad without him.
3) The Dolphins beat the Broncos with defense. No running game for Denver. That's how they beat the Chargers, too. Joey Porter is a beast. He got one sack today by beating a double-team. Almost had another. The Fins are 4-4, and the rest of the division is 5-3. Halfway through, one game out. I'll take that. Plus, both wild card teams in the AFC are also 5-3. We're right there, baby.
4) Let's take a look at some of my preseason predictions.
-- Cleveland won't make the playoffs. They are 3-5. Looking good.
-- Jacksonville won't be as good as every one thinks. They are 3-5. Looking really good.
-- Aaron Rodgers will be better than Favre. I think that has changed like four times. We'll say TBD.
-- Red Meat will silence the critics with a real solid year. Hmm. He led the league in touchdowns before he got hurt. His running skills didn't exactly improve. I'll say TBD in the final six games.
5) Besides the NFC West, only Detroit isn't in playoff contention in the NFC. I have a bet with Lopes that both wild cards won't come from the NFC East. A few weeks ago, I looked dead in the water. Now, I'm doing breaststrokes.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom and I are talking about the mail. She gets upset and holds up an envelope. "Of course, this is fucking mail."

Mom was bored Sunday. She's almost done watching all of 24 again, but she's losing interest in Season 6. "This is going to be the longest day in my fucking life."

Mom pauses the DVD and looks at me.
Mom: You hear that?
Me: No. I don't hear a thing.
Mom: I know you don't hear it. There could be a fucking war outside and you wouldn't hear it.

I'M A CERTIFIED GENIUS

On Friday night at work, I walk into the cafeteria and do the same thing I do every time. I look at the framed front page from LSU's 2007 national championship and smile. Really gives me a pep in my step. On Friday, however, I did a double take. My eyes, for some reason or another, diverted from looking at Matt Flynn and Les Miles to focusing on the bottom of the page. I saw a mistake and started LMAO. What kind of coverage can you get in sports?

Why compete, of course. I showed this to a half-dozen co-workers thinking maybe this was already a well-known mistake. Perhaps I was the last to find out, and they've been joking about it since January. But it was news to all of them. Mike said: "I don't think anyone has ever noticed that before. That's the catch of the millennium." That might be an exaggeration, but I was pretty proud of myself.

Not that I haven't made errors myself. Just check out the next item. But it's still funny. It's not like the fine people in the news section didn't spellcheck the graphic. Compete, after all, is a word. In fact, a common word for the sports section. I must ask the question, though: Am I the first person to notice this? It is prominently displayed in the cafeteria where there is a lot of foot traffic. Surely, someone else has noticed this.

Also, I'm no longer using the word complete. Instead, I'm all about compete. What kind of prep coverage did we give our readers Friday night? Compete. What would the girl of my dreams to for me? Compete me. Drew Brees back to pass, he competes it to Lance Moore. Touchdown! What did I do with the crossword puzzle? Competed it. That's enough, Austin. O-K.

Did you notice I cut out half of Finney's mug in that picture? Take that, Mr. I've Worked At The T-P The Longest.

I'M A COMPETE MORON

Jelly's reading the beginning of Saturday's blog. She stops and says to me: "You're joking about this, right?" I wasn't. Apparently, I referred to a model of the St. Louis Cathedral at the Hornets pregame party as a castle. Oops. Now, I've only lived here all my life. How could I not know the whole setup was a model of Jackson Square? Like I've told you before, I'm an idiot. I took a lot of ridicule at work for this Sunday night. And deservedly so.

In the blog entry, I even went so far as to say I didn't get the point of the castle. Might as well stamp DUMBASS on my forehead. I then asked for an explanation. So, I guess a thank you is in order for Jelly.

JRap reads it and is not too pleased. He thinks I'm condemned.
JRap: You've got a first class flight to hell.
Lopes: With gasoline drawers on.

You might not bee-lieve me, but I have a defense for this. Yeah, a six-part defense. Here goes.

1) At least I didn't call Andrew Jackson Paul Revere or something. Though knowing that that was Andrew Jackson on the horse probably should have tipped me off to the whole Jackson Square model.

2) It's not like I'm Catholic or anything. Oh wait. I am.

3) It's not like I've ever been inside the Cathedral. Oh wait. I have. Damn.

4) I did see the crosses on the Cathedral. But they had an extra cross going horizontally. Why do they have two crosses, I thought? Probably because it's supposed to be from a fairly tale, I decided.

5) Look. I might be from here. But I've never claimed to be any kind of expert on the city. I don't know how to get to many historical landmarks. I've never been to any number of famous restaurants. So, yeah, I should not have made that mistake. But at least I'm not a hypocrite on this one.

6) The whole thing still looked ridiculous. Mr. Shinn, tear down this castle.

(No. I don't think I'm going to hell for all this. God doesn't care if I don't recognize a Church. As long as he finds me in one on a regular basis.)

A COLLEGE FOOTBALL RANT

When I got home after the Hornets game Saturday night, I watched the end of the Texas Tech-Texas game. It was fantastic. The final 3:30 reminded me why I like college football in the first place. I hadn't really cared about the season until last night. But I gots a problem with the ending of the winning drive.

The announcers didn't say a one word about it in the 10 minutes between the touchdown and the final kickoff. I watched the college show on ESPN after. I don't think they mentioned it. The AP story I read doesn't mention it. None of the seven people I mentioned it too had thought about it. And yet if Texas returns the final kickoff 40 yards for a touchdown, it's the only thing the college football world would be talking about today. Why in the world did Texas Tech not go for a two-point conversion?

The touchdown put the Red Raiders up 38-33. They kicked a PAT for a 39-33 lead. What's the difference between a five-point lead and a six-point lead. Nothing. But if they make a two-point conversion, the Red Raiders are up by seven points. Texas Tech didn't even seem to consider the option. Idiots. They were too busy patting each other on the ass.

At that point, I started cheering for Texas to score on the kickoff and win the game 40-39. Just so Texas Tech would look like the biggest freaking idiots in the world. Instead, the mistake was like it never happened. Please tell me I wasn't the only person in America who was yelling at his TV about the two-point conversion.

I also really liked how the Texas Tech quarterback refers to star receiver Michael Crabtree. It's Crab did this. And Crab did that. Crab is the best in the nation. Now, that's a nickname. Crab.

PARTING SHOTS
Jelly is talking about why she stopped going to Weight Watchers a while ago. I tell her she messed up.

Jelly: I didn't fall off the wagon. I got knocked up.

I'm writing the headline for a preview story of the Pittsburgh-Washington game Monday night.

Me: Jelly, can we put 'Skins in a headline?
Bake: Nah. Change it to shirts.

Jelly shows me pictures of Jack dressed up as Chewbacca for Halloween. I told her she blew it by not going as Princess Leia. She agrees. About thirty minutes later:

Me: Say, Jelly, have you ever dressed up as Princess Leia?
Jelly: That's more of a personal question.

Retro quotes: November 2, 2004.
This was also election time four years ago. I got two. P. Scott (best professor ever) has a theory on voting booths.

P. Scott: "That looks like a good opportunity to flash someone."

Dan Rather sums up the tightness of the race late Tuesday night.

"These eight states are hanging like ripe fruit from a tree."

THE DAILY TOP LIST
My top five Bill Murray films. I haven't seen Lost in Translation.

5) Rushmore. 1998.
These are O.R. scrubs.
O, R they?

4) Stripes. 1981.
One of the classic war movies.

3) Caddyshack. 1980.
Thankfully, I've never seen Caddyshack II.

2) Ghost Busters. 1984.
Sometimes, the theme just randomly gets stuck in my head.

1) Groundhog Day. 1993.
If this movie is on cable (and that's like every other week), I can get hooked at any point and finish it. In other news, having my own Groundhog Day might be my only shot at getting a girl.