IMITATION IS THE SINCEREST FORM OF FLATTERY 

One of the main reasons I've always liked SNL (speaking of which, Timberlake was hysterical last week) is the impressions. I love when other people pretend to be someone else in a joking manner. It's just plain fun. Now, I'm no expert, but I love doing impressions.

Obviously, I'm no Darrell Hammond. I might be able to get close to the voice, but that part is not the strength of my impersonations. I'm more about acting as they would and maybe throw in a mannerism or two. I tell you this because I've been doing impressions of people in the office (who aren't at work that day) to the enjoyment of my co-workers. 

My last two mockings got a few laughs, so I must be doing something right. Here's how I get my impression on. First, I sit in that person's chair. Then, I'll address a co-worker like my subject would (trying to get close to the voice). From there, I'll just say a bunch of stuff that my subject has said or would say. I'll use their phrases and stuff with a little bit of an exaggeration. I try to keep it light-hearted. 

This talk makes me wonder how I'm mocked when I'm not there. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom wakes up early Monday morning and looks out the window. 

Mom: Is it cold out there?

Me: Yeah.

Mom: Fuck. And the paper is in the grass.

Mom is excited about David Cook's album coming out Tuesday. "They can say all they want about that show (American Idol), but they've produced some pretty good musicians and even a fucking Oscar winner."

Mom looks at the ketchup bottle on the kitchen counter. "What's wrong with this bottle? Oh. It's fucking dented."

The guy who does mom's nails goes to LSU. He told her they don't get off for Thanksgiving week in order to makeup for Gustav. "How the fuck did they makeup for Katrina? Oh yeah. It didn't really affect them."

DID YOU KNOW?

Did you know that National Football League games can end in a tie? I'm not kidding. If neither team scores in the 15 minutes of overtime, the game is declared a tie. Oh, you did know that? That's weird. Players in Philadelphia didn't know. How could you know that and they didn't?

Now, it's not so bad that Donovan McNabb (who I like) didn't know about ties. It doesn't exactly happen every season. (Three of the last four happened on my birthday week, and the previous one was on my 19th birthday.) What is bad is this postgame comment: "I'd hate to see what would happen in the Super Bowl and in the playoffs."

Are you freaking kidding me? You think they let a playoff game end in a tie? Yeah. The Super Bowl is tied, even after overtime. Fuck, we'll give both teams trophies (stole that from Shams). I guess close playoff games always make Donovan head to the bathroom to throw up. 

Speaking of overtime, nobody likes this current system. The problem is fixing it adds a lot of gray areas. For instance, we can all agree you don't put a professional team at the 25 or even midfield. So, we have a traditional kickoff. But after that, what happens? Here's what I propose.

1) Do the coin flip. Pick sides. And then do the traditional kickoff. Team A gets the ball and has its possession. 

2) After the kickoff, keep the kickers on the sideline. This is overtime, baby. We shouldn't let two random kickers decide which team is better. You want to win an overtime war? Put the ball in the damn end zone. 

3) No punting allowed either. Team A either marches down and gets a touchdown or turns the ball over on downs. Then, Team A kicks off to Team B. 

4) If Team B's defense scores on a turnover on that first possession, Team B wins. If Team B gets a turnover but doesn't score, then Team A kicks off to Team B. Restart like in college. 

5) You have to go for a two-point conversion after a score.

6) If both teams score 6 or 8 points, then you do it again until someone wins. But on the second overtime, the two-point conversion moves back to the 5. Then to the 10.  

7) If neither team scores at all after doing this twice, then we go to the college system. 

PARTING SHOTS

Jelly gets off the phone. She talks to me.

Jelly: Both my husband and John Reid (Hornets' beat writer) called me in the last 10 minutes and said, 'Hey, it's me.'

I'm reading through the wire. I come across a story.

Me: Hey, Bake. The Rays are raising ticket prices.

Bake: That's why they call them the Rays.

Retro quote: November 17, 2004

We're all looking at something in the Maroon office.

Chuck: That's the face only a mother could love.

Someone: Aw, Chuck. That's not very nice.

Chuck: What are  you talking about?

Someone: That's a negative phrase.

Chuck: People have been telling me that my whole life. ... Oh, God.

THE DAILY TOP LIST

The top five things I don't mind doing by myself that most people prefer doing in a group or with at least one other person.

5) Play sports.

I shoot hoops in my bedroom on a goal attached to the door. I'll throw the football outside to myself. It's fun. Throw about 15 yards. Sprint and make a catch, maybe even a diving one. I also kick a soccer ball around the house. 

4) Talking. 

Most people would rather talk to another person. Me, I don't mind talking to myself. Heck, it's how I came up with the idea for this list.

3) Drinking.

I've done this before at Bruno's when I go there to watch Cubs games. I've done it at Fox&Hound while watching North Carolina games. Not a lot, of course. That would be sad.

2) Eating.

Having lunch or dinner somewhere by myself doesn't bother me. I have to eat at Oriental Triangle by myself now because mom is on a diet. I did it at Fox&Hound on Sunday. No biggie. 

1) Going to the movies.

I don't do it often, but I have no problem with going to the theatre by myself. I've never understood people's need to go with other people. 

You can't talk during the movie anyway. Why can't this be an alone activity? The best movies I've seen doing this are Castaway and the second Pirates movie.