LSU-ALABAMA RUNNING DIARY

2:34: The ref tells the players at the coin toss: "It doesn't get any better than this guys." Um, beating Alabama is better than this. This being the coin toss.

2:38: Danny McCray makes his presence felt with a missed tackle. Alabama quickly into LSU territory.

2:41: Jai Eugene barely makes a tackle and acts like he won the game. Let's stop them on third down first. OK, buddy?

2:42: LSU finally gets pressure on a play early in a big game. Yet they don't get to John Parker Wilson (sounds like a teen heartthrob). He makes a nice move and delivers a perfect throw over the defense right to a receiver. Terrific play. But when trying to stretch for the touchdown after breaking a tackle, the dude fumbles it out the end zone.

2:43: Ref confirms the ruling on the field. Touchback. LSU BALL. Better to be lucky than good, I guess. Danielson: "Alabama shouldn't feel too bad about this. Yes, it's points (they loss). But they were able to move the football on the defense." Well, as long as they didn't move the basketball against the offense.

2:46: On looking at the play again, Chad Jones (who?) made a nice play there to knock the ball out of the end zone. Still, lucky that the dude stretched for it.

2:48: There it goes again. Oh. There it goes again. Oh. There it goes again. Another Lee interception. This one, however, wasn't taken all the way back for a score. So, moral victory. Byrd could have caught that, but it shouldn't have been thrown. Like I said, he doesn't know how to look off his first receiver.

2:50: Danielson just compared the Alabama offensive line to the Oakland Raiders from way back when. That should resonate with the audience.

2:52: ALABAMA 7, LSU 0. I thought for a second the teen heartthrob fumbled on second down. He didn't and then scored on third down. Tide gets an unsportsmanlike penalty after the score. That's what happens when you play for Satan. Wait, did we get Parker Wilson's cell phone number, too? Holy crap. You got to admit: LSU fans always get their man. Somebody tell Wilson that there aren't too many teens in the crowd to call him.

3:00: Scott bulls his way for a first down. LSU driving. Lee does his best to stop that by missing a wide open Byrd.

3:01: TOUCHDOWN! TOUCHDOWN! LSU 7, ALABAMA 7. Lee sort of makes up for his indiscretions with a perfect lob throw to Byrd on a quick go route. Byrd beat his man down the left sideline. Thanks Parker Wilson for the field position. Don't worry. My 13-year-old cousin still thinks you are cute.

3:03: A reader calls in to request a box score from the Browns-Broncos Thursday night game. We never ran it. Oops.

3:05: Dumbass return man for Alabama "tries to do too much" and gets hit from behind. He fumbles, a mad scramble and the Tigers have it at the Tide 31-yard line! Three dumb plays for Alabama so far. Let's keep count of this.

3:06: TOUCHDOWN! TOUCHDOWN! LSU 14, 17. On the second play after the fumble, Scott goes untouched for a 31-yard score. Nick Satan is shown clapping. Maybe he still loves us after all. Nice blocking by the offensive line on the play. I told you they'd play their best game of the season.

3:10: Thank you, Danielson. You make a good point. Finally. He agrees with me. LSU's play has a lot to do with the coach on the other sideline. He says you're crazy if you don't believe that. He be right, yo.

3:12: Danny McCray makes a tackle. That's scary news for Alabama.

3:19: LSU gets off the field on third down. Now, there's something that didn't happen against Georgia and Florida.

3:23: The announcers agree that the game feels like it's lasted three hours here in the first quarter. It does sort of feel that way. Lee throws the ball out of bounds (not on purpose) on third down. Punts are better than picks. How bout a wide receiver screen pass, guys?

3:30: First play of the second quarter. INTERCEPTION. Patrick Peterson. Freshman. Verne knew it as the ball was in the air. Must have been a really bad throw. That's four mistakes for the Tide. Alabama was in LSU territory. Damn. That was the teen heartthrob's first pick on the road this season.

3:34: The LSU specials teams has shown up. That's two big pops. One on a kick and one on a punt return. The punt return pop just came after a third-and-6 screen was blown up. I liked that call, though. Give Bama's defense credit. Danielson: "This is real-man football."

3:39: Bama misses a 42-yard field goal. Parker Wilson got a little giddy (probably from hanging around so many teenie-boppers since becoming No. 1) and overthrew Jones, who is amazing, on third down.

3:46: LSU tries the option to Keiland on third-and-1 from the Tide 46. Alabama sniffs it out, and Williams loses a yard. Miles decides not to pull out his balls and punts. Probably didn't want to make Saban feel inferior.

3:52: I'm now half-expecting Julio Jones to make a catch and then drag all 11 defenders into the end zone. Meanwhile, the Bama back fumbles on third-and-1 but recovers. Does that count as the fifth mistake? LSU gets decent return from Chad Jones out to its 35. Seven minutes to go in the half.

3:56: They show a Saban burning event in a parking lot. Verne: "What's crazy is that was to get people to buy condos." Danielson: "Oh. I thought you were going to say something else." (Like condoms?)

3:59: Lee throws his SIXTH pick-six of the season. LSU 14, ALABAMA 14. Tolliver wide freaking open over the middle, but Lee throws it to the even more wide open safety, who returns it like 55 yards for the tie. WTF!!!! So much for controlling this game.

4:07: Danny McCray one-on-one with Julio Jones. Can you say mismatch? The fact that Alabama didn't get a long TD on that play is a minor miracle. On the next play, the tight end drops the ball. Tide not exactly trying to win this game.

4:15: Bake just explained to me how LSU could win the national championship. Somebody check his forehead.

4:18: LSU misses 41-yard field goal. Great little drive at the end of the half. Except when they got to the 25-yard line. Two passes. Run the goddamn ball. We were killing them on the power running game (like I said should be done in Thursday's blog). At worse, the field goal is shorter.

4:20: I just gave the crotch chop to Saban during his interview walking to the locker room. Take that. Weed time. I mean halftime.

4:25: I get a call from a crazy reader: He says: "If LSU holds on and beats the No. 1 team in the country, and I think they will, does that put them back in the national title picture?" I let him down gently. I should have transferred him to Bake. Besides, how can LSU hold on? The game is tied.

5:02: ALABAMA 21, LSU 14. Pretty boring third-quarter so far. LSU two three-and-outs. Lee sucks. All that fight the Tigers had appears to be fading.

5:11: Fourth-down conversion. That's what I'm talking about. Not a bad little drive going. LSU at the Tide 29.

5:14: Lee comes through in the clutch again. For Alabama. Doesn't pick up the blitz and gets popped as he throws on third-and-9. Interception after the ball goes straight up in the air.

5:19: Lee throws a good deep ball on third-and-9 off the fingertips of Chris Mitchell. Son of a ... He can throw deep. Or as JRap has pointed out, when he steps into the throw, he makes good ones.

5:30: Almost a pick for LSU. So close. We needed that one. What a freaking punt by Bama down to the 25. 12 minutes to go. Down by 7. Come on, guys. Remember that Satan is on the other sideline. We can't let that turncoat leave still No. 1. We just can't. LSU has been close to scoring the last two possessions. Time to get over the hump.

5:36: Mitchell catches his second first down of the drive. He has uncoordinated 10-year-old syndrome and runs in the wrong direction and almost loses the first down.

5:40: Penn State lost. I told Bake two weeks ago that the Nittany Lions wouldn't run the table. I was right again. You probably don't believe me. But like I told Bake, it's just when you don't expect these upsets that they happen. Oklahoma vs. Florida?

5:42: TOUCHDOWN! TOUCHDOWN! LSU 21, ALABAMA 21. YES. YES. YES. That's exactly what I'm talking about. Really great drive. Lee made some nice throws. One to LaFell. One to Tolliver. Couple to Mitchell. They even used the Wildcat for a first-down run by Murphy.

5:51: Bring that touchdown back, bitch. I'm sorry, Parker Wilson. That's a mean word. Your fans won't appreciate that. You looked real cute running free there. Benedict complains to the ref. Get out of town.

5:55: Alabama incomplete pass on third-and-18. And punt. Three minutes to go. LSU ball. Oh the drama. Lee might win this game after all. We just don't know for which team yet.

5:58: Fourth offensive line starter gets hurt for Tigers. Power of the devil.

6:03: Mother trucker. Three-and-out. Why didn't they run on third-and-3. Stupid. Then, Bama gets a good punt return. We're going to need another missed field goal.

6:11: Facemask basically seals the game. I don't think he grabbed it. I think he just touched it. (I later saw a picture of this play. I was wrong.)

6:14: THEY BLOCKED THE FIELD GOAL! THEY BLOCKED THE FIELD GOAL! INSANITY ENSUES AT TIGER STADIUM! SUCK ON THAT, SABAN! Beckwith almost blew it by running in the end zone OVERTIME!

6:25: Don't want to talk about overtime. Just. ... I was right about one thing. LSU did play its best game of the season.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom is watching America's Next Top Model. A "model" is struggling at one of the contests. "Look at her. She's so fucking lost."

I ask mom to tell me her fondest memory of one of my birthdays. "In second grade, it was fucking freezing." (I guess she has no fond memories.)

Mom is upset with me. "You are getting to be a real work-up on my fucking nerves?"

Mom is watching Life on Mars. "What the fuck is going on?"

TV WEEK IN REVIEW

Best line: Two and a Half Men. SPOILER ALERT! Allan returns home after a night of banging Judith. Charlie asks him where he has been. His answer: "Never, ever land."

Best analogy: How I Met Your Mother. Robin, who is from Canada, had never heard of using baseball terminology as a measuring stick for steps in a relationship. Instead she used hockey terms. Red line is kissing. Blue line is for getting naked. And in the crease. Well, I'm sure you can figure out what that means. (I thought this was hysterical. I know you liked it, Lisa.)

Best tag team: The Office. Dwight and Jim. It's always fun when enemies team up on a TV show. Dwight: "Kelly, the whole time. (Leg kick. Pause.) Let's get her."

Best guest star: Life on Mars. Whoppi Goldberg. Playing a DJ in 1973 using a man's voice. Good stuff. I hear she knows her Xs and Os on the basketball court, too.

This week's rant. Family Guy. I've watched every episode of this show. At one point, it was my No. 4 show of all-time. It currently sits at No. 7. The first few seasons are priceless. But I don't remember a particularly classic episode since that first episode when FOX brought it back after two years. (Jesus. Pinocchio.)

Until last Sunday that is. It was nothing super special or fancy. But it was a fantastic episode. I laughed all the way through. Back to the Future. Ghost. Home Alone. All great references. The spaceship. Ground Zero.

PARTING SHOTS
We're talking about sick children.

JRap: I can't hear wheezing.
Brick: You mean like on The Jeffersons?

JRap's 2-year-old daughter Ana joins us for dinner. She tells us how old she is.

Brick: And how old am I?
Anna (laughs and flashes a smirk. Waits a second): Two.

We see that the night editor from a few years back is in charge Sunday.

Me: It's retro night. Jelly, wear clothes you would have worn back in 2004.
Jelly: All those clothes were lost in the flood.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
My top five Michael Keaton movies.

5) Jack Frost. 1998.
Not the greatest film, but it warms the heart.

4) Batman Returns. 1992.
The only Batman movie I really got into. Mostly because of Keaton.

3) Beetle Juice. 1988.
Beetle breakfast? Orange beetle?

2) The Paper. 1994.
Keaton's character taught me a valuable lesson: Always get the story right, even if it doesn't create the flashiest headline.

1) Multiplicity. 1996.
Sometimes when you make a clone of a clone of a clone, it doesn't come out so well. Often when I'm asked what I want for dinner, I'll say: Pizza, Steve.