CHAPTER VIII. THE PHONE CALL. 

Previously on High School Girlfriend Saga: Regina told me her dad was killed by terrorists but sent a guardian angel to watch over her and her mom. He would even follow me around, too. Our relationship hit a glacier when she wouldn't let me watch the Final Four. On Wednesday, April 24, 2002, she gave me an ultimatum: Marry her in the summer or she was going to Atlanta for college.

And action.

I thought about delving into a serious conversation with Regina about this ultimatum. I decided to enjoy the movie and worry about that later, so I told Regina OK and that we would discuss this later. I hang up the phone.

Paul: What did she want?

Me: Oh, she just gave me an ultimatum. Marry her or she's leaving.

Paul: That seems a little over dramatic. 

Me: And to think you were ready to jump her bones three months ago.

I'm going to go ahead and end the drama for you folks right now. Unless you think I've been hiding a big secret for six and a half years, I'm sure you've figured out that I don't marry Regina. There's no exciting, twist ending. I don't marry her or like come close and leave her at the altar. Though that would have been hysterical. 

I never intended to marry her that summer. Maybe I thought it was a possibility far down the line, but I certainly had no visions of being married before college. Or even during college. That's just crazy talk. The saga, however, does have a humorous ending. Shall we? We shall.

I had known since the Rummel/Chapelle Challenge (that's when I first told her we weren't getting married and we stayed up all night in her driveway talking about it) that my relationship with Regina didn't have much chance to last. 

All the issues (marriage, sex, her crush on another friend) were all too much for me to handle at 18 with the world still in front of me. I didn't end it because I didn't have any other prospects and why not just keep, how do you say, benefiting as long as possible. 

This ultimatum was a whole other matter. This meant it was time to cut the chord. The best case scenario would be for her to break up with me because I didn't feel like dealing with her crying again if I did the dumping. But I was the one given the ultimatum. There was seemingly no way around me breaking her heart and facing the tears. Or was there?

Paul and I went to a Lenny Kravitz concert on Friday, April 26, 2002. This is the same concert that was on my top list of times I got lost. We went to the N.O. Arena when the concert was actually at the Municipal Auditorium. Good times. 

Before Paul got to my house to go to the wrong venue, I called Regina to say hello and tell her I was thinking about her. She, however, wanted an answer right then. Enjoy.

Me: I'm about to go to a concert. Can't we have dinner tomorrow night and discuss this?

Regina: Look, Gene. You either want me or you don't. It's really that simple. 

Me: OK. I get it. I have your answer.

Regina: You do?

Me: Yeah.

Regina (with hope in her voice): Well, what is it, baby?

Me: You're not going to like it.

Regina (sniffling): Oh my god. Not again.

Me (after a pause): Regina, I ...

Regina (cutting me off, not sniffling): Listen. You don't have to do this. I'm just going to make it easy for you.

Me: O-

(Click.)

I heard the silence of no one being on the other end. I stared at the phone in disbelief, even shaking it a little to make sure. And then I started giggling at the classicness of the moment. I said out loud to no one in particular: Well, shit. That was easy. 

I moved on with the rest of my life as if Regina never existed.  

TO BE CONTINUED. ... (No. Not really. I just really like ending every chapter like that. But seriously, though. I have an epilogue.)

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom has a toothache. "Motherfuck me."

Mom calls me as I'm driving into work to inform me that I left my computer on. I tell her to put it on sleep mode and tell her how. She can't figure it out. "This fucking thing. The sleep button keeps disappearing." (She eventually got it.)

Mom and I are talking about someone who just got married. "Why didn't she get married in a church with all that fucking money? I mean she fucking, uh ... uh ... I didn't know you could have 12 bridesmaids at a reception hall."

THE GENE POOL DIP (I MEAN TIP) OF THE WEEK

Don't believe everything you read on wikipedia. I know. I know. I'm the first person to use wikipedia as an information source. If I were a teacher, I would encourage my students to take advantage of the Web site to write a paper. I wouldn't let them cite wikipedia, but it's a good place to find real sources.

When I want to learn about a topic in this day and age, I read the wikipedia page on it. It, as they would say at the T-P, has vastly enhanced my institutional knowledge. But there's plenty of false stuff on there as well. I don't exactly trust any piece of information that doesn't have a reference. No reference means the person who posted it could have just made it up, guessed wrong or is an idiot.

Case in point Friday night. I'm looking up stats of former LSU receiver Skyler Green. It says that in 2005, Green caught 110 passes for 2,268 yards and 22 touchdowns. Uh, I don't think so. He caught nine touchdowns for his whole career, none of which came in his senior year of 2005. Don't worry. I fixed the site with his correct stats of 32 catches for 268 yards and a punt return for a touchdown. Rest easy, kids.

PARTING SHOTS

Marcus tells me I can come in next Wednesday (before Thanksgiving) if I sign out for zero hours.

Me: Can I bring my Wii?

Marcus: Can you bring your what?

Me: My Wii.

Marcus: Oh. I thought you said something else.

Marcus is looking for the NFL caps for this week's games.

Marcus: What's the Monday night game?

Marcus and JRap are one of the teams for prep football stories. They get yet another story.

Marcus (to JRap): I will hop on Lori first.

(the department laughs.)

Liam: Now we know who his partner is.

Marcus: Better than Derry's, though. Mine is legal in all states.

The AP calls for some basketball scores. Trey is mad because it's football playoff time.

Trey: We don't give basketball scores. Tell them that right now. (Pause and then louder.) High school basketball. What the f...

Marcus (interrupting): Easy, Trey. We're real professionals here.

Retro quote: November 21, 2004.

Bob is giving an explanation for something.

Bob: My girlfriend has a thing.

Christian: That's not something I want to know.

THE DAILY TOP LIST

Another Saturday. Another rivalry game for the Tigers. Ole Miss always seems to play them tough. Saturday shall be no exception, especially since they're much improved over the course of this season, and LSU has been, well, not so much improving. Should be a close one. Hopefully, the crowd will give a boost.

I've talked about the Tigers an awful lot on here for you not to know my five favorite LSU players, all of which won a national title. Here they be.

5) Corey Webster. CB. 2001-04.

Had a nose for the ball. Made an interception in the national championship game that set up the first score.

4) Glenn Dorsey. DT. 2004-07.

Played with more passion than any other player in history. Plus, he was nice to our group when we ran into him and his posse on Bourbon Street after the Tulane game last season.

3) Skyler Green. WR. 2002-05.

Have the Dome edition of the first title framed in my room. It's Skyler scoring on the end-around. He also scored the winning touchdown against Georgia earlier in the season that put LSU on the map.

2) Chad Lavalais. DT. 2000-03.

In the 2003 national title year, he had 23 QB hurries, 16 tackles for loss, seven sacks and six pass deflections in 14 games. That's 52 times he was basically in the backfield and made a play.

1) Dwayne Bowe. WR. 2003-06.

So he was a freshman for the first title and was on the field for like one play. But I love the way he ran routes and used his frame. I also had to tell the LSU beat writer in the middle of last season that Bowe had tied the school record for TD catches in a career. He was not very grateful.