TORTURE PORN IS A REAL THING. LOOK IT UP.

In the past couple of weeks, I've been getting off some zingers. I hope you find at least one of them funny. If not, no hard feelings.

1) On the trip to Houston, Paul made a reference to a Chris Farley movie.

Paul: Which movie is that from? I get Tommy Boy and Black Sheep mixed up. They might as well call it Tommy Sheep.
Me: Ha. I'm glad you didn't say Black Boy around other company.

2) At Church on Easter Sunday, the priest was talking about life-changing moments.

Priest: At some point in your life, you'll have that Aha moment.
Me (to myself): Yeah. Every time Take on Me comes on the radio.

3) D was mapping out directions.

D: What does Gauze intersect?
Me: Usually a cut.

4) Max sends me over the pitching matchups for Sunday.

Max: For Houston, they don't have a pitcher.
Me: They got a belly itcher?

5) Gamby is having computer problems.

Gamby: How do I get rid of these pop-ups?
Bake: Put your blocker in action.
Gamby: How do I do that?
Me: Put him in a 3-point stance and tell him to pancake the guy in front of him.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom is mad at the mailman. "I open the door today, and the mail is all over the fucking place. ... Fucking mailman, man. You can't just sit fucking mail there and expect it not to blow away. Something was in the yard, and the new Lost disc was in the garden."

Mom had a moment of confusion Thursday night because she thought that the primetime shows were running behind. "I extended 30 Rock and the CBS show. I thought maybe the schedule started late. Then, everything ended on time. I was like, 'What the fuck?' "

Mom is watching Doubt. "Meryl Streep has been nominated so many fucking times, she probably can't even tell you."

THE GENE POOL DIP (I MEAN TIP) OF THE WEEK

If you have COX, take what happened to me Monday and try that at your house. You just might get premium channels for free in one of your rooms. Let me know if it works.

PARTING SHOTS
D thinks he missed out on a chance to travel to big-time foreign cities.

D: I should have gone to Paris and Rome. It's too late now. Now, I'd have to take my wife.

We're discussing the great expense of going to Rock-N-Bowl.

Me: It rocks your wallet.
Liam: Kicks you in the bowls.

I ask Bake if he read the partial proof I gave him of Page 2.

Bake: No.
Me: Throw that away then. You're getting a full proof.
Bake: If it's foolproof, then I don't need to see it.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
My favorite five games we played at recess and summer camp.

5) Dodgeball.
I was pretty good at the five Ds, as prescribed by Patches O'Houlihan.

4) Four Squares.
I think we made up the rules as we went along.

3) Kickball.
I loved catching the ball way back in the corner of the yard. Some kid thinks, he just got a homer, and I ruin his dreams.

2) Battleball.
That's what we called Dodgeball as we know it today. In regular Dodgeball, a bunch of people stand in squared-off area and avoid being hit by two designated throwers. The last person standing wins. In Battleball, there are two distinct teams, and you can catch the ball to eliminate someone. Got it?

1) Gotcha.
I was good at that one. The key is not to let someone who makes his shot consistently get behind you at the start.