GENEPOOL GIVES HOUSTON A PROBLEM. DAY SEVEN. 

On our last day in Houston, Paul and I went walking around downtown. I now know where I'm going if I'm ever in downtown Houston again. The rest of the city, not so much. 

In the theatre district, we walked around the free part of the aquarium, where you can have your kid's birthday party overnight. Right before the restaurant, there is this tank full of fish. Pretty awesome. 

We walked around Sam Houston Park. In the background is St. John Church, which was established in 1891 in Houston. I listened to an audio history on my cell phone. Pretty cool. Two of the original pews are still inside. We missed the last tour by an hour. 

On this sign, two rules stand out to me. 1) You are not allowed to use your firearm in the park. That's bullshit. 2) You are not allowed to molest the ducks or the plants in the park. Way to take out all the fun, man. 

We met several homeless people downtown Tuesday. The most interesting encounter, however, was one I observed. A nurse is walking down the street, and as he passes a homeless man sitting on the street, he turns to the homeless man, bends down and says hello. 

Homeless man: Can you spare some change?

Nurse: No. I don't have any.

Homeless: Anything?

The nurse didn't answer and just kept on walking. Shouldn't there be a law that if you initiate contact with a homeless person, you have to give them something? That was a big-time slap in the face. What a douche. 

Our vacation in Houston finished with a Cubs-Astros at Minute Maid Park. Ten years later, I still can't believe there's a pole on the field. IT'S ON THE FIELD! By the way, this Astros worker in the shot yelled at me for leaning on the padding down the third-base line during batting practice. Asshole. 

Cubs fans are nothing if not loyal. This is an hour before the game. I'd say the crowd ended up being about 25 percent Cubs fans. By the way, aren't those people all touching the rail, too?  

Why does Sweet Lou walk with his right hand in his back pocket? Does he like to be touching his lineup card for as long as possible before handing it in at the start of the game? Does he have an itch? I demand to know. 

In the second inning, A-Ram-Ram slammed a ball off the scoreboard in left. The ball directly hit the STL for St. Louis on the scoreboard and bent that slot back. That was awesome. What wasn't awesome was when he got thrown out at second base on the play. 

Deuces were wild with Tejada up in the bottom of the eighth. The score was 2-2. The count was 2-2. There were two outs. I had two fingers pointed at Tejada. 

What do you do if your team is tied at 2-2 in the ninth inning? Well, if you're an Astros fan, you put on your rally cap. You know, to rally from the tie. I've been told by several co-workers that Stros fans aren't the sharpest tool in the shed. They were right. 

When the Astros won the game, this guy turned to his girlfriend, hair left, and said: "You know why we won? It was because of my rally cap." Yeah. That's it. You helped them rally from the tie. Good job. 

This is the scene after the final out of the ninth inning. All these people leaving would be fine if the game was over. However, we were headed for extra innings. Free baseball, people. Nah, said half my section. We're out. By the way, not one Cubs fan left. 

Other notes from the game:

1) George H.W. Bush and Barbara were on Kiss Cam. I was stunned. Can't decide if that ranks higher than Jelly on Kiss Cam. 

2) The Cubs lost. Oh well. It's a long season. The dream of 162-0 is over. 

3) The first 5,000 or so fans got a free Astros hat. I left mine in a cup holder. Oops. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

Now back to its regularly scheduled segment.   

I arrive home just before 6 a.m. Wednesday from Houston. I'm unpacking. My mom sees what I got Chuck from Dave & Buster's. "What the fuck is that?" I explain. "Put it with the rest of the shit." 

As I'm unpacking, mom tells me that Simon gave an American Idol contestant a standing ovation. I say that's unbelievable. "It is. Cuz I ain't never heard of the fucking song." 

I tell mom that I had a steak in Houston. 

Mom: What was it? $30?

Me: Yeah.

Mom: Fucking steaks. Getting fucking ridiculous. Does Paul eat steak?

Me: No. 

Mom: He doesn't eat seafood, either. What the fuck does he eat? 

Mom shows me the clip of Simon from American Idol. "Fucking 80s. No good music." 

Mom updates me on the news. "See the 15-year-old that killed the bartender? Had that fucking ankle bracelet on. Well, he wasn't following the rules, and the judge didn't do anything about it. If he had, that fucking girl would be alive. Now, her family has quite the lawsuit. Gonna get that judge fucking barred." 

Mom is pissed because the mailman skipped our house Monday. "I guess I didn't have any mail, but he didn't come get my Netflix disc. He was too fucking lazy to open the mailbox." 

PARTING SHOT

Paul and I had lunch with Matt by his work Tuesday afternoon. 

Matt: I got a booty text last week. She's like, 'Are you coming into town for Easter?' She's thinking ahead.

Me: Get it? Hee. Hee. 

Matt: What?

Paul: No. You're thinking of head. 

THE DAILY TOP LIST

The top five quotes from wrestlers or about wrestling from my week in Houston. 

5) Shelton Benjamin. Wrestler. 

I'm getting his autograph. 

Me: Promise not to kill yourself out there on Sunday?

Shelton: No. 

4) Me and a guy on the rail. 

Some douche on the way to WrestleMania tells everyone in earshot about how predictable the results are. He lists all the winners for the nine matches and says it's obvious. 

Me: Well, this guy has it all figured out. We might as well turn around and go home. 

(Laughter on the rail.)

Douche (to me): I have connections. 

Me: Oh. OK. 

(And how many of the nine matches did he predict correctly? Four. That's almost half. I can flip a coin and say it will be heads every time and do that well.)

3) Older lady on the rail. 

Her and another woman are talking about Shawn Michaels. 

Lady: Shawn Michaels is one white boy I would date. He's got a nice booty. It's DE-LIC-IOUS. 

2) Mr. Kennedy. Wrestler. 

A bunch of us are waiting in an autograph line. He comes walking by wearing sunglasses. 

Mr. Kennedy: There are two types of people that wear sunglasses in doors: blind people and assholes. ... And I ain't blind. 

1) Joey Styles. Announcer. 

I'm talking one-on-one with Joey. He's famous for yelling: OH MY GOD! during broadcasts. 

Joey: You know who invented the phrase OH MY GOD?

Me: Who?

Joey: My wife. On our honeymoon. 

Me: Ha. 

Joey: And I haven't heard it since. 

Me: Aww.