THE TINA CURSING CORNER: BIRTHDAY EDITION

Monday was my mom's 52nd birthday. We didn't celebrate today for reasons unknown to me. We're scheduled for a birthday lunch tomorrow. Said mom of turning 52: "I don't feel 52. I feel like I'm in my 30s. I certainly wouldn't date anybody in their 50s." There you have it.

Mom didn't have a good start to her 52nd birthday. "Fucking shitty ass morning for sure."

What happened? The tanning place wasn't open yet when she got there, then Randazzo's was out of strawberry. The tanning lady called mom when she finally arrived at work. "She got stuck in traffic on the (Huey P.) bridge. Here's some advice: If you live on the fucking West Bank, leave your house a fucking hour early. Or give me the fucking keys, and I'll open up the place, get my tan and lock up."

Mom is watching the Grammys while I'm waking up. From the living room, I hear: "He's fucking magic." (Don't know who she was talking about.) Mom erased the recording of the Grammys and then tells me that Blink 182 said they were getting back together. I can't believe it. "It's the fucking Grammys. Anything can happen." (Can you say next year's slogan?) About Rihanna not performing, mom said: "She was a fucking no-show."

Mom sees on the TV guide that Obama is addressing the nation for an hour. "What's he gonna say? 'I fucked up?' "

Three TV-related curses.
1) Lost. Mom still is wondering what drug Charlie was abusing. "Cocaine doesn't do that to you. I don't know what the fuck he's taking."

2) Lie to Me*. The dead student made As but couldn't do well on the SATs. "That's crazy. How can someone be an A student and fuck up the SAT. How does that happen?"

3) The Young & the Restless. Mom is not happy with Brad's death. "It's a shame. He was on there for buckoo years. Had to be between 20 and 30 years. I mean that's a long fucking time."

On the treadmill front:
1) "I'll be on it, and it's not moving. I'm like 'What the fuck?' Then, I'm going really fast."

2) She looks through the Sears ad. "Look at that. Fucking $900."

3) Mom tried to get a service person to the house to look at her treadmill. The treadmill company calls her back with information. "She gives me a number with a 501 area code. Where the fuck is that?"

DID YOU KNOW?

Did you know that baseball players have been caught taking performance-enhancing drugs? I'm not kidding about this one. There's this whole scandal. There's books. Grand juries. Confessions. Denials. A made for TV movie in the works. So, I made up that last part. But you never know. Can you say executive producer Jose Canseco?

I'm immune to all this steroid talk. I pretty much ignore all the nonsense about it. Look. They cheated. I get it. I don't need to be told over and over again by new studies and reports. Speaking of new reports: Did you know that A-Rod took performance-enhancing drugs from 2001 to 2003? You might have heard about that.

Unless these guys tested positive starting in 2004, however, I still believe they should be allowed in the Hall of Fame. You can't punish them for using something that wasn't banned. This is the fault of baseball. These sluggers were just taking advantage.

PARTING SHOTS
Jelly tells Joe the Security Guard that JRap's name is not Chris, as Joe has been calling him.

Jelly: Eh. Call him a different name every time you see him.
Joe: You mean just to fuck with him?

Marcus hands out the schedules. I see that I'm off on Mardi Gras.

Marcus: What you doing Mardi Gras Day? You better have a date.
Lopes: Yeah. His pillow.

(Lopes then apologized for that one.)

THE DAILY TOP LIST
My top five UNC-Duke games in anticipation of Wednesday's showdown.

5) UNC 102, Duke 100. 2 OT. Feb. 2, 1995.
Many people probably think Duke won this game because the only highlight ever shown is Jeff Caple's buzzer-beater from 37 feet at the end of regulation. But who got the last laugh?

4) Duke 87, UNC 83. Feb. 7. 2006.
I let Lopes pick this one. Redick scored 22 in the second half. I rejected his first choice, which was when Gerald Henderson blatantly hit Tyler in the face. Bastards. Meaning both Henderson and Lopes.

3) UNC 85, Duke 83. Feb. 1, 2001.
Battier fouled Brendan Haywood 30 feet from the basket with 1.2 seconds left, and Haywood made both free throws for the win. I thought this play was hysterical because we had no chance to score (it was going to OT), and Battier barely ran into him. He tried to stop himself, but his momentum nudged Haywood just enough. Ha. Ha.

2) UNC 75, Duke 73. March 6, 2005.
Rallied from down nine with three minutes remaining. Freshman Marvin Williams got the winning layup, and the Heels went on to win the national title.

1) UNC 83, Duke 76. March 4, 2006.
It was supposed to be a rebuilding year, but Tyler and company showed (Duke was No. 1) that they were legit. This was also Redick's senior night. Awesome.