THAT'S WHAT TED SAID

I'm sure Bob could explain it better and give much more detail. I'm also sure Bob would enjoy explaining it way more than me. But I'll hit you with my best shot.

The catchphrase "That's What Ted Said" has captured the imagination of my Uptown friends. It's all the rage. Everyone is waiting for the right time to insert these words into a conversation. And I think the madness is only beginning.

That's What Ted Said is used 1) as a substitute for "That's what she said" and mainly 2) after someone says something that can be possibly perceived in any way as homosexual.

Here's three examples from the Rubik's Cube party.

1) I see Katie taking pictures with two cameras at the same time.
Me: Ah. I see you're double-fisting.
Katie: That's what Ted said.

2) Bob puts me in a headlock to show friendly affection. Then he squeezes.
Me: Please stop. You're hurting me.
Bob: That's what Ted said.

3) I'm telling someone about the previous example. I want to demonstrate.
Me (to Bob): Want to do it again?
Bob: That's what Ted said.

You get the idea. I bet you're wondering, however, about the background of That's What Ted Said. Well, I'm going to tell you the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Ted worked with us at The Maroon. He was socially awkward and mumbled a lot. His favorite word was um. And oh yeah, he was gay and had a thing for me. (That's what Ted said.) He even sent me a love e-mail. Gross.

Nick and Bob were reminiscing before Brian's bachelor party in January, and the magic of the phrase just sort of happened. They discussed Ted and then had moved onto another topic. Nick said something that could possibly be perceived as homosexual in some way, and Bob responded with the phrase. The light bulb went off for both.

They kept using the phrase throughout the night, eventually convincing me that it was money. They then played a round of golf (balls, holes, etc.) the next day and used the phrase 70 or 80 times, according to Bob. That's when it was cemented as something that would stick around for a while. It grew even more (That's what Ted said) at Gillie and Brian's wedding.

So far, the phrase has been spread to parts of Georgia and a segment of current students at Loyola. Next stop, pop culture. I hope to one day live in a world where "That's What Ted Said" is right up there with "Got milk?"

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

I ask my mom if she read a story in the paper about some people getting arrested for robbing banks in Georgia. "No. But I read about the 22-year-old asshole Harahan cop."

The cop was arrested for stealing about $300 from a prisoner. He's from Chalmette. "He's been there five fucking months. What's a fucking Chalmatian doing as a Harahan cop? You must not have to do shit to pass that test."

Continuing on that theme. "Sue's (our dentist's receptionist) kid wanted to be a New Orleans cop. She prayed for him to fail the test. The Lord works in mysterious ways because he failed the fucking test. It must be easy to pass the fucking Harahan test."

Mom tried to buy new shoes (the same kind as she has now), but they were out. "You know those $10 Wal-Mart shoes I bought? (I nod.) They the most comfortable fucking shoes I've ever worn."

Mom is frustrated. "I don't even know when Easter is this year. I don't have a fucking calendar."

Mom looks at the prices for the Britney Spears concert. $250, $150, $95. "Fucking ridiculous, huh?" (Yup.)

The various shootings on Mardi Gras have mom upset about the New Orleans system of justice. "You can get arrested on some bullshit traffic thing and spend two fucking days in jail. But hold up someone with a gun, and you'll be out the next fucking day."

I decided to try Seither's crawfish today. After all, the T-P did name it one of the 10 best places to eat crawfish in the city. The T-P, of course, was wrong. The seasoning was good. However, they were small and about half a pound was not edible. Zero of them had claws. Last week, I ate some at Bobby's. About 60 percent had claws, and they had good size to them. Seasoning is just as good there, too.

Oh, wait. This is the TCC. Mom looks at the plate. "Oooo, garlic. This is a nice setup. The only problem with it is that it fucking weighs (meaning less crawfish). (She eats a piece of garlic.) Oh, fuck. They're not fucking cooked. Maybe it's just this one. Nope. All of them. Garlic ain't cooked all the way. Somebody ought to tell them. Fuck. Every fucking one of them. ... Son of a bitch. ... Shit. ... Somebody ought to tell them it needs to be cooked more. Got my hopes up. Fuck. Are the crawfish spicy? (I nod.) So is the fucking garlic. Just not cooked enough."

THE GENE POOL DIP (I MEAN TIP) OF THE WEEK

Incorporate "That's what Ted said" into your daily life. Trust me. It's fun. It'll make you feel better on the inside. (Oops.) That's what Ted said. Also, try and spread it (That's what Ted said) amongst your friends.

PARTING SHOT
I spill water all over my lap.

Liam: Ya'll got to come see this.
Brick: He's not as happy as that guy on the plane yesterday is he?
Me: Looks like I'm happier.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
My top five female artists. Feel free to judge.

5) Mariah Carey.
She'll always be my baby.

4) Britney Spears.
Only before the craziness, though.

3) Christina Aguilera.
I am a genie in a bottle.

2) Avril Lavigne.
She's got spunk.

1) Kelly Clarkson.
My life would suck without her.