ASHES TO ASHES

For the past few weeks, I've been trying to decide what to give up for Lent. I wanted to give something I've never gave up before. My biggest sacrifices in the past have been soft drinks, popcorn, wrestling (yes, I did this once) and chocolate. 

The rejected ideas for 2009 included pizza (how would I eat dinner on Saturday night?), gambling (I've cut back on that enough) and not recording a Tina Cursing Corner (I'd rather not lose my readership). 

By the time Ash Wednesday rolled around, I still hadn't put my finger on what to delete from my life. As soon as I sat down in Church, it came to me. I'm giving up fried shrimp for Lent. It's so easy to give up meat on Fridays here because of the seafood. Now, it will be a little more difficult.

To put this in perspective, I've eaten fried shrimp on Friday about 90 percent of the time in the past couple of years. I try not to eat meat on any Friday, which usually results in a fried shrimp plate every Friday. 

Oh, fried shrimp. I'll miss you. See you in mid-April. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

Breaking news! My mom bought a treadmill today from Sears. She tried to load it in her car and bring it home. As she began driving, however, she realized she wouldn't make it home. "Fucking thing was likely to fall out the back on the drive." 

So, it will be delivered. When she was unloading the treadmill back to Sears, mom jammed her middle finger on her left hand, leaving a bruise. "Look at that. I damaged my fucking finger." 

Mom is not putting the old treadmill out in front of the house. She doesn't want anyone coming and taking it. As in, if she can't have that treadmill, no one can. "Tom's likely to come fix the fucking thing, and boom he's got a new treadmill. I'd rather give it to the service people." 

Mom is watching an episode of Nip/Tuck. I have no idea what's going on in the show. "What the fuck? ... He's going to fuck it. Yup. ... Oh, no. Don't tell me he's going to fuck the chair too." 

Mom can't stop talking about the crazy woman with 14 kids now. "Well, she's got what she wants. She's on every fucking news show, talk show, everything." 

I tell mom a little about work. "This country is so fucking messed up."

Mom is upset about her diet. "It's never taken me this long to lose weight. It's been five fucking months."

Jelly, Tina enjoyed the Sharon-Billy sex angle. "It's going to come back to bite her in the ass, that's for sure." (She's also looking forward to Sharon getting pregnant.)  

FOUR CORNERS

A closer look at The Gene Pool World.

-- I've been using three catchphrases recently. 

1) Get some facts and come back and see me. 

That's from UConn Coach Jim Calhoun to a news reporter asking him to justify his lofty salary. It became a classic press conference when he started saying this over and over. 

2) That's what Ted said. 

Full explanation coming soon, maybe even Friday. 

3) Who lives here? 

From Dave the Douchebag. 

-- On Monday, Chuck's girlfriend Laura (backed by several others) theorized that Big Cheez-Its don't taste as good as the regular Cheez-Its. I had to taste for myself. 

I think that they taste the same but at the same time aren't as good as regular Cheez-Its. To me, the Big Cheez-Its are just too big. You really need two bites, and that snack is meant to enter your mouth in one bite (that's what Ted said). I have a call in to cancel Big Cheez-Its. 

 

-- The morons in the promotional department at WWE are calling this year's WrestleMania the 25th anniversary. Well, it's the 25th edition, but it's not the 25th anniversary. It's the 24th anniversary. I tell Paul this. He says it's OK because that's the way most people view it. Uh. 

Me: So, because most people say it wrong, then it's OK to just get it wrong? 

Paul: It's the accepted way. 

Me: Uh, no. I think a lot of people understand that you don't count the first one as the first anniversary.  

Paul: Well, the 25th anniversary way is how's it's done for everything. Look at weddings. 

Me: What? You think the wedding day is counted as the first anniversary?

Paul: No. 

Me: Exactly. The next year is the first anniversary. Just like the year of the second WrestleMania is the first anniversary. 

Paul: The way they are doing it is fine. 

-- I have six peeps moving this weekend. SIX. I feel so left out that I'm thinking about moving my bed into my other room. Brian and Gillie are moving to the West Coast on Friday, and Bob is moving into Chuck's place like it was 2005 all over again. 

Little Joe is making his triumphant return to the Big Easy. Can you believe he survived for four years in Arkansas? Give that man a medal. Jenna and Joe are moving Uptown, and Kaila is moving closer to work. Jenna and Kaila have been roommates for seven years. 

Jenna made my year by quoting (and I don't think on purpose) Monica: "She's moving out, and I have to live with a boy." 

PARTING SHOT

Last week at dinner I explain to JRap the Tina theory of Dick Day. 

JRap: So what did the girls do on Dick Day?

Phil: Probably had the same day. 

THE DAILY TOP LIST

My five favorite couples. Hopefully, this doesn't cause offense. I've decided to leave out my sappy feelings about them. 

5) JRap and Marion. 

He makes Saturday night food runs. She makes the world's best brownies. And their daughter loves me. 

4) Kelli and Stephen. 

I've been pretty much everywhere in the city with them. 

3) Gillie and Brian. 

Please don't go. 

2) Bert and Kelly. 

Their on-again, off-again relationship is worthy of the Young & the Restless, but you know they'll make it in the end. 

1) Little Joe and Jenna. 

The only couple where I was friends with both members beforehand.