CHICKS. I TELL YOU.

Very recently, I went to the Fox & Hound to watch a UNC game. The game was on the ESPN full-court package, which is far too expensive for any normal person to have at home. That's why we have these types of places.

The problem is that most of the employees have no idea that such a package exists. In fact, out of the 60 TVs in there, exactly zero of them are ever on the full-court stations (unless someone requests it). This makes no sense because the restaurant is paying a $100 a month (or something like that) for the service but not using it. Toilet open. Drop money. Flush.

So, here's my conversation with the hostess:

Hostess: How many?
Me: One. And can I have a game put on one of the TVs.
Hostess: Sure. Who's playing?
Me: North Carolina.
Hostess: What is that? Football?

(Note: After being seated, I had to wait for the manager to come out of the back to put on the game. I missed the first five minutes.)

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom is watching Court TV. A verdict is handed down. "Yeah. And you'll get fucked up the ass."

Mom watches the E! channel for a little while. "I love watching rich people's stories. They got so much fucking money they don't know what to do with it but get into trouble."

PARTING SHOTS
The LSU women's writer, who is 22 and goes to LSU, calls to say her story is in. I have her on hold while trying to see if it is in. E-mail becomes a metaphor.

Jelly (picking up the phone): Hey. We're not ignoring you. Somebody can't get his e-mail up.
Me (in a panic): It ain't working.

I almost choke on some king cake but recover.

Sandy: D, quick. Mouth to mouth.
D (unaware of what's going on): What?
Sandy: Gene was choking.
D: Sorry, Gene.

THE DAILY TOP LIST
The top five suggestions for today's top-five list as given by those who stayed late Saturday night.

5) Top 5 king cakes.
Nah, I really only like Randazzo's.

4) Top 5 chain restaurants.
Waffle House, Outback. That's two.

3) Top 5 Pro Bowls.
If someone can actually make that list, he needs to have his head examined. Then we had top five reasons to watch the Pro Bowl. Hmm, hula girls and to make sure Brees doesn't get hurt. Again. Well, that's two as well.

2) Top 5 Mardi Gras experiences.
Every one until I was like 13 went the same way. I've slept through too many since for a full list.

1) Top 5 Valentine's Day dates.
Uh, I've had one. Involved lunch and Miracle on Ice.