SPORTS. THIS IS (YOUR NAME HERE)

In the sports department, we get a lot of calls from the public. Some of these wackos have our number on speed dial. And bars too. I think I've been involved in more bar bets than any bartender in this city. The real laughers are when a person calls, asks a question, you give the answer, you hear him bragging in the background to his fellow drinkers and he hangs up. Then a few seconds later, the phone rings. It's the person who lost the bet. He asks the same question, as if this time the answer will be different and he'll win. Heck, sometimes I just make up answers if I don't know them. I know a lot of shit. But not always what these wackos ask.

Everyone in the department is familiar with our most frequent callers. One guy always starts with (slowly and softly): 'Hey, how you doin? Umm, I have a question.' Then he goes on to ask about anything from prep softball to the Saints. But he doesn't stop at one question. He keeps asking and asking and asking. Until you make up something and get off the phone. You can always tell when he calls because the person who answered the call can be seen hanging their head as if to say: Why me?

Now, this isn't all negative. We in sports do have our favorite frequent caller. He's sort of like our mascot. We call him Braves Man. He began calling a few years back asking for that night's Braves score. ("Got a score on the Braves?") Since that time, we (mostly Sandy) have come to know a good deal about Braves Man. He's kind, soft spoken and most important, he's old. JRap and Marcus are so fond of him they will give him details of the game. Here's what we know:

-- His first name is Frank.

-- He has spent some time in Costa Rica.

-- Mr. Whoo, who owns a corner store that is floundering in Kenner where Braves Man lives, nicknamed him Senor Moustache. 

-- His mother-in-law lives in Gatlinburg. He doesn't like going there.

-- His pacemaker is set to beat at 63-64 beats a minute.

-- He really likes Sandy and Jelly.

-- His cousin was once a minor leaguer for the Braves.

-- He can't see too well. But he does have a T-P subscription.

-- He has a golden retriever. 

-- From talking to him, he thinks Marcus might be black.

-- He'll drink scotch if the Braves win. He'll drink scotch if the Braves lose.

-- He has also asked for Orioles' scores and Cubs' scores.

-- He had a hip and knee replacement by Mel Parnell Jr. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

If you haven't done so yet, please vote in the TCC poll at right.

My mom is excited about the upcoming season of CSI Miami. She saw a report about the show on one of those entertainment shows. "Can you believe some people think fucking Horacio is dead?"

My mom comes in from the other room, looks at me quizzically and says: "What the fuck happened to your face?" (It was chocolate.)

My mom and I were part of the nearly billion people who watched the U.S.-China matchup Sunday morning. Mom gets confused, which leads to this brilliant exchange.

Mom: Yao's not on the U.S.?

Me: No, mom. He's Chinese.

Mom: But he's an American citizen.

Me: No. He's Chinese.

Mom: Then they ought to not let him fucking play here. 

WAKE UP, OLD MAN. YOU'RE MISSING ALL THE DUNKS.

President Bush has been everywhere during the Olympics. I feel like I can't watch an event without seeing him in the crowd. He must be exhausted, though. It's the most active he's been in eight years. Oh, snap. FYI, I'm not usually one for Bush jokes (in fact, Bush jokes are one of my biggest pet peeves - more on this later), but I couldn't avoid thinking of this one while watching the U.S.-China game. Speaking of the big game, the camera shows Bush with his pops and the Chinese foreign minister during the first quarter. There is nearly a billion people watching. And some old, white dude is sound asleep behind Bush. I swear I could hear him snoring. I'm told that the man was Henry Kissinger. Must have been partying with Bush all night.

THE INCORRECT SIGN OF THE WEEK

Wrestling fans aren't the smartest group of people. I'm willing to admit that. I'm watching Smackdown! the other night when I see a sign in the crowd for the wrestler Triple H. Problem for the kid is his sign said: Tripple H rules! I got to blame the parents on this one. They probably watched him/helped him make the sign. They can't spell the word triple?

I BET YOU I CAN TELL YOU WHERE YOU GOT DEM SHOES

 

Bake came strolling into work Saturday sporting some new sneak

ers (as you can see at right). I'm no fashion expert, but I'm pretty sure these things don't pass muster. They are black with yellow streaks going all over the place. It's like he's asking for me to give him a new nickname: Triple B (BumbleBee Bake). Also, I hope he isn't planning a vacation to Ohio any time soon. The Buckeyes might beat him in the street. 

MY WEEKLY CUBS THOUGHTS

-- The Cubs finished a great homestand Sunday. They took 2-of-3 from the Pirates, Stros and Cardinals. I feel like I grabbed a Snickers because I'm satisfied.

-- If I had a nickel for every time Brenly complained about the flipdown sunglasses this season, my car would be filled with Skittles bags.

-- The eight-run third inning Wednesday against Houston was awesome. Second best inning of the season after the nine-run fourth (I think) against the White Sox.

-- Soriano has taken off nicely. He has a knack for hitting big homers late. Though I don't recall the last time he homered off a starting pitcher.

-- WGN shows a commercial during Cubs games. The slogan is: WGN America: TV you can't ignore. One small problem. They're still showing highlights from last year. Can't we update this, fellows? I don't know who Jacque Jones is playing for, but I know it isn't the Cubs. Maybe I should leave a comment on Len and Bob's blog.

-- I thought Lou made three mistakes in Tuesday's game. The Cubs eventually won, but the most crucial one was pitching to Carlos Lee late in the game with a base open. Lee homered to give the Astros the lead. 

-- Thanks for voting in the Cubs poll. It seems like we're headed for a red-and-blue October.

-- Fukudome has yet to come out of the slump. I'm down on him. I think they should start Reed Johnson in right.

-- Len honored Jack Brickhouse one game by using his home run call when Edmonds went deep late to lift the Cubs to victory. Every time Edmonds homers now, I have that stuck in my head. And that's a good thing.

-- MVP of the Week: Mark DeRosa. Had two RBI hits Tuesday, a grand slam Wednesday that gave the Cubs the lead for good, a home run Saturday and a sac fly and RBI hit Sunday.

PARTING SHOTS

Sandy tells me she took her kids to Wendy's.

It was right over $2. I went to hand the lady a quarter. I thought it was a quarter because it felt big when I pulled it out of my purse. She hands it back to me. It was a Chuck E. Cheese token.

Lopes is reading my blog entry about five-cent Skittles (I liked your comment, Chuck).

Lopes: You do realize that if you're Julius Caesar, somebody is going to kill you.

Me: Maybe it will be the vendor.

Liam and I are trying to come up with a name for our fantasy team. T.O. and the Slackers is suggested. I say that sounds like a band. A few moments later:

Sandy: I was thinking of a band type name for the team. Like instead of Hootie & the Blowfish, ya'll can be Liam & the Blowjob.

THE DAILY TOP LIST

I have a top 40 TV shows list. You've read it. Here are the top 5 shows I have an interest in watching but have yet to get into. 

5) X-Files. Seasons: 9. Episodes: 202. 1993-2002.

Why I want to see it: The bits I've seen on TNT are always intriguing. 

4) Monk. Seasons: 7. Episodes: 95. 2002-present.

Why I want to see it: I like crime-solving comedy stuff.  

3) Frasier. Seasons: 11. Episodes: 264. 1993-2004.

Why I want to see it: I like the Frasier character. Can he really operate outside of a bar?

2) Lost. Seasons: 4. Episodes: 83. 2004-present.

Why I want to see it: Seems intense. Too many people talking about it. I can't be left out.

1) Spin City. Seasons: 6. Episodes: 145. 1996-2002.

Why I want to see it: One of the creators is Bill Lawrence. He created Scrubs. Enough said.