THE GENE POOL

HAILING FROM HARAHAN, LA. WEIGHING IN AT 160 POUNDS. THE REIGNING AND DEFENDING HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD.

I've been working on developing a full gimmick for my would-be wrestling character: The Gene Pool. What, you thought the poll was just for fun? A great name for a finisher, however, is but one step on the path to greatness and a future spot in the WWE Hall of Fame. So let's go through the steps.

The lead-in: Every new character needs to have a few vignettes to introduce him to the audience before his debut. I'd film my segments by my pool in the backyard. In the first one, I sit on my deck and deliver a promise to go straight to the top. Second commercial, I'm in the pool relaxing with a lady friend on each arm telling the audience that I'm the coolest cat in town. The third and final vignette, I lay on a raft on a hot day, then get out the pool and say into the camera: The Gene Pool has decided it's time to make his splash on the WWE.

Entrance music: My Generation by Limp Bizkit. Has Gene in it. Great song. And it was the theme to the greatest feud in wrestling history back in 2001.

Outfit: I'd come out and wrestle in a bathing suit. Duh. I'd also have swimming goggles on that I would throw into the crowd for a souvenir when I got to the ring. For the feet, I'd wear classic wrestling boots. After all, I do believe in tradition. If I'm a good guy, I'll wear a jersey of a local player to the ring. If I'm a bad guy, I'll wear the jersey of a hated rival of the town.

Color scheme: My bathing suit is red. And my wrestling boots would be yellow. Yes, a tribute to the Hulkster.

Prop: I'd bring a fish bowl filled with water down to the ring. At the appropriate time, I'll retrieve set bowl and throw the water onto my opponent. That's called the Tidal Wave.

Hand gesture: I lift my right arm to head level. I take my left hand and slap the skin underneath my right elbow three times. That lets everyone know I mean business. I do that gesture as the match starts and to signal to the crowd that my finisher is forthcoming. (Yes, Lisa I got this from you. Hope you don't mind.)

Manager: Only if I'm a bad guy. I'd have an Hispanic manager named the Pool Boy. He would come to the ring with one of those net things and hit my opponent with the pole when the ref has his back turned.

Mid-match dance move: With my opponent down on the mat, I stand over his head. I then skip around his body while performing swimming strokes with my arms. When I get back to his head, I jump up in the air and execute a cannonball on his chest. That's called the Swim Meet.

The comeback: During the match, my opponent will start dominating me. That's wrestling 101. But eventually, I make a big comeback. When I get the adrenaline going, I shake off the punishment and start running around the ring like a maniac. That's called the Whirlpool. After a few laps, I start treating my opponent like I currently do the pillow I pretend to wrestle.

Finisher: Off the Deep End. The moment you've been waiting for. Just what in the heck is this

move that The Gene Pool readers have chosen as the finisher? My opponent is on the mat toward the middle of the ring but not quite that far and positioned diagonally. I give the elbow signal and get on the first rope. I deliver an elbow in the chest, pop right up and get to the second rope. I deliver another elbow drop to the chest, pop right up, get to the top rope and deliver a top-rope elbow smash on the chest. 1-2-3. At right is my end-of-the-match pose.

Merchandise: Inflatable pool with my name on it. A red T-shirt with water drops all over it. Gene Pool goggles. Gene Pool floaties for the kiddies. Action figure that comes with a pool.

Catchphrases: These are just as important as my wrestling skills. Here's what I got.

1) Don't be a fool or The Gene Pool will take you to school.

2) You best bring a snorkel. Cuz I'm going to drown your ass.

3) I don't sweat you. You a little fish. I'm a big pond.

4) You're not in my league. Try the kiddie pool.

5) The Gene Pool is here to stay. Jaws got one look at me and swam the other way.

6) I'm the underwater breathing, sky high-diving, sun rays catching, water polo playing, lady lifeguard pleasing hammerhead shark.

I hope you weren't expecting a skinny dip reference. There's a national audience watching. I think I'll keep my pants on, thank you very much.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

I walked around the house brushing my teeth today as usual. I then go in the kitchen to make a sandwich when my mom sees toothpaste on the carpet. Oops. "You dropped fucking toothpaste on my carpet."

I tell my mom that I won't be going to Laser Tag for Bert's birthday because we found out it doesn't open until 5 p.m. on Monday. We were supposed to go at noon. "During fucking summer? That's stupid. They got to be losing money."

My mom and I are discussing tropical storm Edouard. I tell her that the news acts like a category 1 hurricane is heading straight for us. "Yeah. It's un-fucking-believable."

My mom brings up the light bill again. "Gas has to fucking go down."

THE PALACE IS A DARK AND SCARY PLACE

Paul told me about two incidents at the Elmwood Palace that happened on the same day last week. First, two employees were fired after they drove a car into a building behind the back parking lot of the theatre. They crashed a car through one of those stand things the Palace uses to promote upcoming movies. The stand busted into a bunch of pieces on the ground. They then got the car speeding again (for what reason, we don't know), lost control going through a puddle and spun through the back fence and into the building.

Second, a 17-year-old was caught stealing a Blackberry. A couple was getting into their car when the husband noticed his cigarettes were missing. He then noticed his Blackberry was also gone. (Why would you leave a Blackberry in the car? Just bring it in and put it on vibrate. Also, lock your doors.) They're on their way back to the theatre to report the incident when they see the 17-year-old walking out the theatre and fooling with it. The husband takes the wife's cell phone, call his number and the phone lights up in the kid's hand. (Note to self: If you steal a Blackberry, wait until you get home to play with it. What a moron.) Apparently, the kid told the officer on duty that he found it and was on his way to giving it back. (Yeah. And I plan on returning that Brother Martin soccer ball any day now.)

Things are starting to get out of hand over there. What's next? A popcorn crisis.

DID YOU KNOW?

I am introducing this new segment today. It's reserved for those things I hear (and I'm assuming you do too) over and over and over again. For today's entry, did you know that Bret Favre plays the game like a little kid? Just ask any columnist or broadcaster. You can just tell. He's running around out there jumping, picking up teammates, smiling. He's having so much fun, just like kids do when they play football. All players should play the game like Favre, which is like a little kid. Did you hear about this?

That's not all Favre does like a little kid. Did you see his behavior during his "retirement"? I don't want to play. I want to play. OK, trade me. No, I want to stay. OK, maybe I won't come back. I'll take your money. No, I won't take your money. OK, I'm coming back. When do I get my chocolate bar?

PARTING SHOT

Sandy has rethought her position on Angelina Jolie because of her comments comparing her children to her adopted children.

Sandy: She's a skanky whore. She should have her uterus ripped out with a wire hanger.

THE DAILY TOP LIST

My top five favorite albums of all-time. Sample track is a non-single.

5) Journey's Greatest Hits. Journey. 1998.