FANTASY FEVER

As you may have read yesterday, I participated in a fantasy auction draft last night. Based on reader votes, I have named my team The Gene Poolers. Here's a look at my roster:

QB: Tom Brady
RB: LaDainian Tomlinson
RB: Frank Gore
WR: Santana Moos (that's for you, Marcus)
WR: Greg Jennings
WR: Roddy White
TE: Kellen Winslow
DEF: Ravens
Bench: Tony Romo, Marc Bulger, Ricky Williams

ANALYSIS. 1) Brady was the No.1 fantasy player in 2007. Tomlinson was the No. 1 fantasy player in 2006. I have both. How'd I do it? Brains and guts, I tell you.

2) I'm a little weak at wide receiver, especially since there is only eight teams in the league. That's where Tony Homo (Sorry, Bob) comes into play. Homo is the fourth-highest rated quarterback in fantasy. That means two of the other seven teams are starting a better quarterback. My plan is to trade him for a top wide receiver. Right now, I'm eyeing Chad Johnson from Paul.

3) As the league plays out, I have one distinct advantage on my opposition. I once had my own weekly fantasy column in the paper where I suggested which players to put in the lineup that week. Clearly, I'm an expert. That money is as good as mine.

The season still is several weeks away. But it's never too early for a rousing speech from the coach. Here goes:

"All right, Gene Poolers. You're all here because you're the best of the best of the best. And that's what I expect out of you every week. Except for you, Homo. You should be out of here by Week 5. Now, when you step on that field with the Gene Poolers uniform, know that you are part of greatness. I don't care if you like each other or not, but you will respect each other. And maybe ... I don't know, maybe we'll learn to play this game like men. Excuse me, Ricky. You want to put that out. Thanks. Now listen up, Gene Poolers. I'm only going to say this once. No one, and I mean no one, comes into our house (our in this case, a fantasy matchup) and pushes us around. No excuses. Do the work. (Pause, deep breath). I love you guys. If you put your effort and concentration into playing to your potential, to be the best that you can be, I don't care what the scoreboard says at the end of the game, in my book we're gonna be winners. Unless we lose, of course. Then we'll be losers. But we will not be doing that, will we? We will not go quietly into the night. We will not vanish without a fight. We will refuse to lose. Screw 'em. This is your time. Now go out there and take it."

How many movies can you find in there that I quoted? Answer at bottom.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER
Thanks for voting in the poll. Have some fucking kids... wins with 7 of 16 votes.

My mom and I are discussing STDs. "I feel sorry for you kids. We didn't worry about that stuff. You don't know what you're fucking when you fuck these days."

Mom goes to clean up the yard for the upcoming party. "I'm getting too old for this shit."

I ask mom why we don't have the regular water she buys. "Can you believe that? Wal-Mart was out of Sam's water. Used to have it stacked to the fucking ceiling."

I tell mom that the Rolling Stones' Sympathy for the Devil was played in Tropic Thunder. "They play that song in every fucking movie."

Mom reads the story in the paper about the guy who admitted to committing to fraud on Katrina loans. "He's going to spend 20 years in fucking jail. He's 31. He owns a hair salon down there on Jefferson. He claimed damage to the building. That fucking business didn't get any damage. What a dick. Stupid ass.

LOVE HURTS
I left this story out of the blog yesterday to save space.

Our beloved commissioner David has a serious girlfriend. Yah, they apparently have moved in together in Baton Rouge. We will see how this works out during the upcoming school year. David having a serious girlfriend is nothing new, though. He's had three serious girlfriends in the past, or three more than me. As an observant of these relationships, this one seems to have a much better chance of sticking than the other ones. As long as he stops breaking her bones.

Last week, they were sitting on the couch. Sarah gets up to go start the hot tub. David gives her a friendly kick on the rear end. As she passes by him on the way to the door, she attempts to exact revenge by kicking him. David thrawts this move by catching her foot. When he lets go, she loses her balance and falls to the tile, landing on her elbow. The next day she goes to the emergency room and learns she has two small broken bones. She has a screw put in her elbow and is now on the mend.

As far as I know, this is the first time David sent a girlfriend to the emergency room. Maybe that's why the flame fizzled those other times. I think I'll suggest that he smack her around all the time.

MOVIE REVIEW: TROPIC THUNDER

What I was expecting: A comedy adventure with Jack Black and Ben Stiller acting a fool.

What I liked: Robert Downey Jr. was awesome. Sometimes I couldn't understand what he was saying, but I don't think that matters. He has an excellent explanation on how actors should play retarded characters. ... The opening had me cracking up. ... The soundtrack brought life to the film. ... Matthew McConaughey was solid. I thought he brought a little drama and a little comedy.

What I didn't like: There was a little too much cursing. They used a lot of the cursing well but still overdid it. ... I couldn't tell at what point the characters realized they were in a real fight (not sure if that's actually bad). ... McConaughey didn't take off his shirt. ... There could have been more to the adventure. ... Tom Cruise. The character might have been good, but if that SOB wants to save his image by cursing 1,000 times in a Ben Stiller movie, I ain't buying it. There's no coming back, Tom. Deal with it.

The result: Three Beijing feet of Gene Pool water.

PARTING SHOTS
Terry comes over from news to talk to Marcus. They have a buddy-buddy relationship.

Terry: Where's Marcus?
Brick: He was just here not 30 seconds ago.
Terry: I'd say maybe he's hiding under the desk, but I know he can't fit.

JRap is reading the story about Hollis Thomas' injury.

JRap to Derry: You ever been hurt dismounting?

D makes an error.

"I didn't have my nap today. Ya'll have to excuse me."

THE DAILY TOP LIST
My favorite 5 concerts that I've been to.

5) Molly Ringwalds.
Who I went with: I've seen them about five times in the past two years, always with Bert and Kelly.
What made it special: Um, they play classics from the 80s.

4) 3 Doors Down. May 11, 2005.
Who I went with: Mom
What made it special: It's my favorite band, they rocked the house and I discovered Breaking Benjamin.

3) Steve Miller Band. March 26, 1998.
Who I went with: Mom
What made it special: It was my first concert and my favorite band at the time. Steve Miller changed guitars after every song. I thought that was the coolest thing.

2) Linkin Park. April 13, 2003.
Who I went with: Minkus
What made it special: We had seats but never sat in them. We stood in the walkway and rocked out.

1) Lenny Kravitz. September 28, 1999.
Who I went with: Paul
What made it special: I went for Smash Mouth. Lenny opened and blew my mind with his performance.


(Answer from speech: 6: Men in Black, Remember the Titans, Rudy, Hoosiers, Independence Day, Miracle)