Making my way in the world today takes everything I've got. Taking a break from all my worries sure would help a lot. Wouldn't I like to get away. Sometimes, I want to go where everybody knows my name. And they're always glad I came. I want to be where I can see our troubles are all the same. I want to be where everybody knows my name.
I feel this way a lot. And since Cheers Season 10 comes to DVD next week, it's time to compare my friends to the characters of the classic 80s (and part of the 90s) show from that bar in Boston.
ME: Cliff Clavin.
We both live at home with our moms. We both aggravate our friends with useless trivia. Cliff is the most made fun of guy at the bar. I'm the most made fun of copy editor at the T-P and was the most made fun of person in the Maroon office.
BOB: Frasier Crane.
Frasier is a psychiatrist and spends his day dishing out advice to crazy people. Bob doesn't get paid to offer advice, but that doesn't mean he's shy about giving it out. Often Bob will say to me: "Here's what you should do, Gene ..." or "Next time, you should say ..." Frasier often corrects the other characters. Bob probably will correct me on something in this blog.
NICK: Sam Malone.
Sam runs the bar (well, not all the time). Nick has a bar on Tulane Ave. named for him: Nick's Bar. Sam is a former major league pitcher. Nick is a former Peace Quad wiffle ball pitcher. Both are tall and skinny. Sam has a way with the ladies. Nick did all right in his day.
MOM: Carla Tortelli.
Both are short, fiery Italians with two marriages under their meatballs. Carla doesn't take shit from customers, not even when her brother came into town. Mom doesn't take shit from me or Cox or anyone else who dares cross her.
BERT: Woody Boyd.
Woody's dream job is to be an actor. Bert was the star of our fourth grade play about a kid who needs to win the top prize on a game show to pay for his mom's surgery. FYI, I played the host of the game show, Mr. Van Bigstar. Bert also was in a play in the seventh grade. In the final season, Woody gets elected to the Boston City Council. Bert's dream job is to be a judge. So both are political personalities. Plus, Bert's main squeeze is named Kelly, the same name of the girl Woody marries.
LOPES: Ernie "Coach" Pantusso.
Coach coached Sam with the Red Sox. Lopes is the coach of an eighth grade basketball team. Coach has laid off the booze since his baseball days. Lopes doesn't drink since that incident in high school. The following rhyme has been approved by Lopes: Most of coaches friends, including his wife, have long been dead; being friends with Lopes just may put a voodoo curse on your head. Coincidentally, Lopes has appeared on all three of my comparisons. Congrats.
KAILA: Diane Chambers/Rebecca Howe.
Since Rebecca replaced Diane, Kaila gets to be both. Diane suffers from OCD on the show. Her pencils and pens in her pocket must be in precise order. I'm not sure of the specifics, but I'm fairly certain Kaila has a touch of OCD. Kaila has a sort of resemblance to Rebecca, and both are a little clumsy. Rebecca once burned down Cheers. Kaila drops her beer when she's had too much. (Sorry. I had to.)
LITTLE JOE: Norm Peterson.
Maybe the easiest comparison I've ever done. Norm sits at a bar all day and drinks beer. That's how Joe imagines heaven. The patrons shout Norm's name when he enters Cheers. I shout Joe's name upon first seeing him when he comes into town. And they're both short, cute and chubby.
THE TINA CURSING CORNER
My mom is not happy about the condition of her Sex and the City DVD. "My fucking thing is fucking ripping. Those things aren't worth shit."
Mom sees that Fay still is dumping rain up the East coast. "I thought that fucker died." Then, later in the day she spat out a rhyme: "Fucking Fay just won't go away."
Mom and I were working in the yard early Wednesday. We have these piles of leaves everywhere, and I'm going to the stacks and putting them on the lid of the garbage can to dump it in the trash when I'm done. I kick the lid, pretending to play some soccer, from one pile to the next. Mom looks at me: "You are some fucking lazy." As we are wrapping up, she says, "I can't fucking do this anymore." During the process, I'm dumping the grass out of the bag of the lawnmower into the trash when I hear mom scream from the other side of the yard: "Oh, fuuuucccccckkkkkkk." The neighbors definitely heard that one.
GUSTAV TRACKER
I wake up at 10 a.m., and mom gives me a nice dose of panic to start the day. I'm still opening my eyes when she says, "That fucking thing is coming here."
Me: No, it's not.
Mom: Have you seen the paper? (she shows me the Gustav story). ... How do you pronounce this fucking thing anyway?
Me: Goo-stav.
Mom: Is that Russian?
Me: No.
Mom. Well, everyone is on fucking alert.
In the afternoon, I call Paul to make e-plans (e=evacuation). He doesn't think it's coming either. But just in case, we're headed off to Baton Rouge at some point to rekindle the good old days of Katrina. Hopefully, we don't get lost again on the way.
I get off the phone with Paul, and mom asks if I've spoken to my dad about e-plans. I tell her that we're going to the Saints game Thursday night. "They're not gonna open that fucking thing again if the storm comes, are they?"
I look at the five-day tracker map for Tropical Storm Gustav at 1 p.m. Weather.com seems to have it missing us to the east. Don't breathe easy yet, kids. I don't recall the last time a storm went on the path the weather experts first laid out. I decide not to think about Gustav until Thursday. Mom, however, didn't let it go quite yet. "Gustav. What a fucking name."
Today's famous Gustav: a group of kings in Sweden. There have been six kings of Sweden with the name Gustav (or Gustaf), beginning with Gustav I, who reigned from 1523 to 1560. There have been two other kings with the name Gustav in it, including the current king Carl XVI Gustaf, who has been in charge since 1973 when his grandfather King Gustav VI Adolf died. All told, a Gustav has been king of Sweden at various points for a total of 208 years.
Did you know?: Gustav means "staff of the gods."
IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING
The person who says this phrase almost always follows it by making a point or going into an explanation. If the point or explanation is necessary, then the phrase "it goes without saying" doesn't need to be said. Because if it did go without saying, then the person wouldn't be saying anything. It goes without saying that Gustav will cause damage wherever it happens to hit. No shit, Sherlock. Nobody needs to tell you that. So if someone is talking to you and starts with "it goes without saying," I give you two options. 1) Ignore what comes after it by taking out your phone and texting me that someone just said IGWS to you. 2) Slap him across the face.
Since I decided to make this an entry a few days ago, I've realized a slight variation of the phrase can be used. Not by following it with an unnecessary rambling but as a response to an obvious point made by someone else. For instance:
Paul: We're both off tonight. We should go to Bruno's.
Me: Well, that goes without saying.
PARTNG SHOT
I wasn't at work Wednesday night, but I was tipped off to this exchange.
Lopes (to Derry): I think the name (of the NBA team) should be Oklahoma City Bombers. It fits.
Marcus (shaking his head): Ya see. That's why the fucking hurricane is coming here. Because of you two assholes.
Derry: It wasn't me!
THE DAILY TOP LIST
My top 5 Tom Cruise movies.
5) Collateral. 2004.
He played a heck of a bad guy.
4) Risky Business. 1983.
Sometimes you just got to say: What the fuck. As in what the fuck happened to your sanity, Tom?
3) Jerry Maguire. 1996.
Has one of the most copied/imitated lines in cinema history: You had me at hello. An imdb search gave me four other movies using that line, but I know there are several more that changed up the line. Though I can only think of one: Dodgeball. "You had me at blood and semen." Saying "you had me at (whatever)" isn't funny. I hope this nonsense stops.
2) A Few Good Men. 1992.
Paris Hilton played with Elisha Cuthbert in House of Wax; Cuthbert played with Will Ferrell in Old School; Ferrell played with Amy Smart in Starsky & Hutch; Smart played with Cuba Gooding Jr. in Rat Race; Cuba played with Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire; and Tom played with Kevin Bacon in A Few Good Men. Man, that game is fun.
1) Rain Man. 1988.
Tom was right about one thing. K-Mart does suck.
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