IT WAS ALMOST AN ACCIDENT. AGAIN.

On the way to Bruno's on Saturday night, I had my second close call with an accident that day (see Saturday's entry). I'm driving on Napoleon. There are two lanes. I'm in the right lane, which means I can either continue straight at Claiborne or turn right. The left lane only can turn left at the Claiborne intersection.

As I'm starting to cross Claiborne, the car in the left lane decides to turn right onto Claiborne. Problem is my car is going straight across. I slam my brakes and avoid smashing into the tinted-window car as it speeds away down Claiborne toward Carrollton. This one was more dangerous than the one on River Road on the way to work. In the first one, I had to hit my brakes while making a turn. Even if there was a crash, it wouldn't have been too bad. On Saturday night, I was going 40 mph, and the light was green. That would have been ugly.

I half-expected to get into an actual accident on the way home from Bruno's. You know these things are supposed to happen in threes. Hopefully, the third time isn't the charm for the accident gods trying to get me. My car is too pretty to be hurt. I certainly won't be the first and I sure as heck won't be the last to say this: New Orleans drivers are really bad.

But who am I to talk? I was put on the dangerous driver's list for five years because Allstate was sued twice (and had to settle out of court twice) for accidents that I caused before I turned 20. Hey, I've gotten better.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom came across a possible new show to watch. "Do they have a series on HBO in Spanish? I go to watch it, and you got to fucking read it. I'm like, 'What the fuck?' "

The termite man is coming Monday morning. Mom tells me: "You have to wake up by 10 tomorrow. Hopefully, it's not fucking raining. But that's what the weather says will happen." (Can you say tropical storm?)

Our light bill went up again this month. "Did you see my fucking light bill? Motherfuck. ... There's a hurricane charge they took off for $5, and then another hurricane charge on there for $10.62. Is that fucked or what?"

We're watching a SNL rerun from February. Weekend update is doing a joke about the new guy in charge of Turkmenistan (spelling). The dude's name is long. "Look at that fucking name. It has the whole fucking alphabet."

MILK WAS A BAD CHOICE

Jelly comes back from the coke machine down at the end of the hall by the news section Saturday night. She tells me that there is a possible blog item written on the coke machine. I immediately go to investigate.

A sign on the coke machine says, "Drinks are hott!"

First, that was a nice gesture. Someone got a hot drink and wanted to make sure others did not fall prey to the same fate. Touching, really.

Second, we must analyze the thought process of adding that extra letter to hot. Is it because:
A) The author wanted to emphasize just how hot the drinks are?
B) The Times-Picayune employee isn't the greatest speller in the world?
C) The author wanted to avoid any connection to Paris Hilton? (you know that she's trying to get a patent on the phrase, 'that's hot'? Pretty pathetic, eh?)
D) The author has read the Gene Pool and was hoping to make the blog under the BAD SIGN OF THE WEEK headline?

OK. Time's up. Pencils down. I'm going to give the Good Samaritan the benefit of the doubt and circle the first option. A bit of advice: If you leave a note of warning, either use the whole piece of paper (really make that sucker visible) or tear off the unused paper for other use. I mean, I appreciate the warning about the drinks, but I won't tolerate such an outlandish waste of paper. 

MY WEEKLY CUBS THOUGHTS

-- The sweep of the Brewers was just 2 sweet! Reminded me of a series against the Cards in 2003 when you knew the team was for real.
-- Thumbs up to Len for making a Scrubs reference Tuesday. He compared the way Soriano was taking care of his bat to Hooch telling everyone not to touch his stuff. Nice. Thumbs down to Len, however, for not following that up with the show's air times on WGN.
-- Most of Edmonds' homers have been to left field on fastballs low and pretty near the outside corner. The pitchers aren't missing with these pitches; they're meaning to throw them there. Shouldn't a scout tell them to not do that?
-- The starters continue to be outstanding. In 14 of 17 games in the second half, the starter has had a quality start. In two of the three non-quality starts, the pitcher went 5 innings with one earned run.
-- Fukudome and Soto seem to be out of their slumps. Soto had two RBIs on Saturday and Sunday. The Jap Dap wizard has started to hit line drives and hard grounders again. Results should be forthcoming.
-- Jelly wants Aramis Ramirez's nickname to be Do Ram Ram Ram. Yes. Yes. Yes.
-- Derrek Lee has been hitting a lot of fly balls down the right-field line that are easily caught. These used to be doubles into right center. I like those better.
-- There was a definite LSU-LSU-LSU chant at Wrigley when Fontenot came to bat Friday.
-- MVP of the Week: Big Z. Eight dominant innings against the Brewers on Tuesday. Five solid innings Sunday against the Pirates. I like the move to take him out after five to keep him fresh.
-- 28 of the 45 losses have been by two runs or less. That's a good sign. Here's a month-by-month breakdown of their losses by more than two runs (you can't get this anywhere else): April: 4. May: 1. June: 6. July: 5. August: 1.

JRAP IS A FREAK OF SAINTS NATURE

I don't think JRap has a photographic memory, but when it comes to the hometown football team, it sure seems that way. JRap can recall specific plays from specific games ranging from the mid-70s to present day. It's equal parts impressive and scary. He didn't ask for this gift, but it sure is fun to play with. You know, like a toy.

His latest blow-my-mind-how-do-you-know-that moment came Sunday night at the end of the shift. I had asked him during the shift if he knew the details of the Saints longest TD run in team history. He took a stab that it was Tony Galbreath in 1976 against the Chiefs. Nope. Tied for fourth at 74 yards. He ponders. Then starts grasping at straws before getting back to his work.

At the end of the shift, he asks for the name of the player who made the longest run. I tell him George Rogers. He's a little shocked because Rogers wasn't known for his breakaway speed. Fair enough. I tell him Rogers has the top mark and also is tied for second. That's when he blew my mind.

"OK. One of them is the first game of the 1983 season against St. Louis. That was Labor Day Weekend. And the other is in 1981 at (a simple word, but the son of a gun knows if games from 1981 were at home or away) Cleveland." (79 yards against Cleveland; 76 yards against St. Louis). In case you are wondering, the 76-yarder is tied with Deuce. No. 26 did it in 2003 at Philly.

And JRap's wife Marion makes the meanest brownies in town. There, I said it. Just don't tell my mom.

PARTING SHOTS
A waitress at Bruno's isn't a big fan of a customer. He was kind of rude, and she was trying to be friendly. I overhear her say this to a co-worker.

"I just hope he gets so drunk that he stumbles out of here and forgets to pay his tab. That way we can charge him 20 percent for the tip. Because I know he ain't tipping me shit."

Sandy and Marcus are discussing Gene Gene the Dancing Machine. Sandy reads that he lost both of his legs in 2001 because of diabetes.

Sandy: He's more like Gene Gene the Sitting Machine now.
Liam: He would never last in the Gene Pool. They'd have to call him Bob.

JRap had a lapse and forgot that Manny was traded the other day.

JRap: Manny was 4-of-5 today.
Me: That'll cut the lead down (meaning the Diamondbacks' lead over the Dodgers).
JRap: Why? Did the Rays lose today?

THE DAILY TOP LIST
The first in hopefully a weekly guest edition (just e-mail me) of this segment (still trying to think of a clever name for it). Paul presents his top 5 reasons why Pirates 3 failed to bring a satisfying conclusion to the trilogy. (The combo of Sandy and Marcus is up next. Stay tuned.)

5. The Calypso character.
This character gets treated as a main character that we had heard about through the first two movies when she actually wasn't. She was just some stupid plot device to carry a large part of a movie that didn't know what it was doing for the majority of the time. The proof? The second she disappears by turning into crabs is the moment the movie gets ten times better.

4. The cluttered plot.
The first hour and a half of the movie isn't really a story. It's just a muddled mess of people turning on people for no reason or for a reason you don't or can't understand. The last half hour is good, which leads me to believe that they really didn't have enough content for a third movie and needed plenty of filler.

3. The misuse of Chow Yun-Fat.
It's a big deal that this guy gets signed to the movie. He's all over the advertisements. He's supposed to be this exciting new character. But all he does is have some so-so scene in the beginning, and then he dies ten minutes later. And even more dreadful, he gave Keira Knightley that stupid outfit that she wore for the whole movie.

2. The treatment of the Kraken.
This thing killed the main character at the end of the second movie after being heavily featured for the entire film. And what is his big role in the third movie? That of a beached whale.

1. The worthlessness of Norrington.
He had one of the biggest role increases from a first movie to its sequel ever (he freakin' ended up with the thump-thump for crying out loud). They spend a good chunk of the second movie making him cool, and he ends up doing nothing the entire third movie besides dying somewhere in the middle.

The Gene Pool says: I agree with Paul. This movie was a stinker, save the final 30 minutes. The combo of the first two Pirates is on my list for that whole if you were stranded on a deserted island question. But this third one is not coming with. I refuse to even see it again. To answer Davy Jones, I felt dead watching this thing.