5) Kevin's Luau party. May 2005.
Kevin had a Luau party every May for about five years. On this particular year, I got bored. I wasn't very good friends with many people in attendance. So, I played a drinking game called: How many jello shots can I take? They had red shots and blue shots and green shots. I liked the red shots the best. And the blue ones. They were both my favorites (that one was for you, Nick).
I think I set the record at 32 or 33 shots. I count everything, but I can't remember if it was 32 or 33. They were fairly strong, too. Somewhere in the 20s, I started singing the blues on Kevin's swing. A group of people said they were going to Bud's. Obviously, I tagged along. On the way back, I tell Bode to pull over, and I threw up right there on West Metairie.
4) One night at Quill's. I think it was spring 2003.
David and I went to Quill's one Friday night for a little drinking and a let's-see-where-the-night-takes-us attitude. I don't remember what I drank that night. But I do recall singing some Red Hot Chili Peppers (something off Californication). David had to apologize to some HYDHs (how you doin honeys?) for me saying some inappropriate things to them while they were ordering drinks. I think Minkus met us there later.
As we're leaving, I become fascinated with a cat behind this swinging fence. David has to start pushing me toward the car. I kept talking about the lonely kittie and how it had no home. (The next time I went to Maple Street, I noticed that there is a Vet next to the bar.) We get to the parking lot, and I take off my shirt and start waving it in the air like I just don't care. Minkus and David both refused to let me into their car until I put the shirt back on and stopped scaring the nice people passing by. I then make a phone call to Nick to tell him that it is OK and not to worry. I got the girl and stuffed her into the trunk. Nick saved that on his phone for some time.
We go to Bud's (go figure) for me to get some food in the belly. I go to get ketchup. I start hitting the lever, and it squirts out a little bit at a time (instead of holding it down like regular, sober people). Problem was the ketchup wasn't coming close to the little container thingy. David notices at about the seventh splash and stops me as I giggle all the way back to our seat. David loves telling new people we meet this story.
3) The Maroon end-of-the-year party. May 2006.
At the end of every school year, the Maroon has a big bash to celebrate. For the three years I attended, it was at Molly's at the Market. Since the Maroon advisor owns the property of the bar, we have an open bar for two hours (7-9 p.m.). Just tip the bartender.
At some point, the editorial board does a group shot. I tell the bartender to pour 12 shots of the most expensive whiskey she has. Then fifteen minutes later, Chuck, Danny and I do our own group shot (we made the yearbook together). After the second shot, I'm done.
I proceed to make my rounds and impart my wisdom on those Marooners who weren't graduating. I tell each person specifically what they must do to ensure future greatness for the school paper. I don't know if they took me seriously. But I couldn't have spoken better sober.
After my speeches, I take it to the next level. I empty my pockets and tell people to clear the way. Everyone gets their cameras ready. I do the worm on the bar floor. Possibly the greatest thing ever done in a bar.
2) The House of Death Party. Summer of 2003 (aka the summer of '69.)
This was the name for the house where I did most of my hanging out that summer. One particular night, there was a wild and crazy party. That's the night I learned that vodka does not belong in my system. Nick was making some mean screwdrivers. I decided to take a taste. Four screwdrivers later, I was the life of the party.
I wake up the next morning upstairs in the House of Death and go straight to the bathroom. While I'm throwing up, I recall some of the stuff I did the night before. Namely, making out with a girl (my first drunken hook-up) whose name is similar to a female body part (like the Delores episode on Seinfeld). This being a family Web site, I won't go into any more detail.
1) The Maroon end-of-the-year party. May 2004.
This was my first Maroon bash. I went a little overboard with the open-bar policy. I think I was talking gibberish and creeped out P. Scot. After that, I stumbled over to the wall (which is painted with faces in the crowd - some famous) and made out with it. Tongue out and all. There are pictures of this event out there somewhere. And that's all that happened while we were in the bar.
A group of us head over to Zydecue Barbecue for a little grub and to see Nick, who was waiting tables. I stroll into the restaurant, locate Nick and yell out: "Five Fifty Pork Sandwich." Before I get to the table, however, I upchuck on the restaurant floor. Later, we order pizza at the dorm, and I ate all but one piece of a large.
THE TINA CURSING CORNER
Mom was in rare form today.
Did you know that all broadcast TV has to be digital by February 17, 2009? Really. I'm not kidding. Rabbit ears (yes, I know what those are) will be obsolete. Basic cable packages are obsolete. TV is going digital. For real.
You can't escape this fact. The commercials are everywhere. Heck, the CW network has its very own version of it. There are multiple Web sites (given to the viewer on the commercials) explaining the process. Best Buy receipts have the warning about the digital transition, accompanied by - you guessed it - a Web site with all the information you need to make sure you're prepared for the transition of TV to digital. Because whether you've heard it or not, it's coming. My favorite is that during network TV shows, they flash a full-explanation warning across the screen. Every time I see it, I wonder: How many old people still don't know about this.
I first heard about the digital transition in my Intro to Mass Communications class in 2002. Nancy told me that the government was planning to go fully digital by 2006. Obviously, that got pushed back several times. But it is happening on February 17, 2009. All TV signals are switching to digital. Did you hear about that?
Here's something I actually didn't know about the switch: Wilmington, N.C., is the test dummy for the transition. The city is switching over Sept. 8. Bet ya you didn't know that.
DID YOU KNOW II?
Note: This in no way is meant to be political. Let's leave political beliefs out of this. Thank you.
Did you know that President Bush is dumb? It's true. Ask anyone. This is now an accepted universal truth. The world is round. President Bush is a moron. Apparently, this fact also will make people ROTFL. Bring up a topic. Then say something really clever about Bush being stupid. Cue the laughs.
Let me explain. The comedians of the day will take something about each president and crank out jokes on that topic for that president's term. With Clinton, it was sex jokes in the morning. Sex jokes in the evening. The difference to me is that sexual jokes are and will always be funny.
I am so sick of hearing Bush retard jokes. They stopped being funny somewhere around 2005. Or right after Robin Williams did Live on Broadway. It bothers me that people think they are being clever when they spit out these tired lines. The impersonations are the worst. I enjoyed Will Farrell's Bush on SNL during his first term in office. I have not enjoyed the hundred other impersonators I've seen since (and I include everyday people in that number) all doing the same thing. Giggling. Pretending to be a first grader.
I'm really excited about the upcoming election. We all want change. But more than political change, I'm looking forward to the joke change that comes with a new chief. If I were a Bush retard joke writer, I'd follow that up with (in his voice): Change? I want some change too. I'd like to get me a candy bar. Or some gum. Blowing bubbles is fun.
This joke has grown so old it might be older than that knight in the third Indiana Jones film. There's a Comedy Central show, a Family Guy character, every late night talk show monologue, the Get Smart movie (where it was way out of place), etc.
PARTING SHOTS
My friend Nick posted this facebook status Sunday:
1 comment:
That girl you made out with? That's who told me about your kissin' skills.
I was living with her at the time, remember? And she came home and was like OH MY GOD I MADE OUT WITH GENE. I don't think I ever really believed her, but I guess I do now. ahhaha.
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