AN UNFORTUNATE RIVER RUNS THROUGH A FANTASY DRAFT

I was off Wednesday and had a full-day planned. I kept track of the entire day just for you. Don't you feel special. Here's what went down on Hump Day.

9:50 a.m.: I wake up. Satisfied, JRap? Grab a Snickers.

9:51: I stumble into the living room. Mom is watching the Olympics she taped from Tuesday night. "They're giving all the fucking points to the the Chinese."

9:52: I can really feel the soreness in my legs from yesterday's hard work. I need a break.

9:55: I brush my teeth. Deborah Phelps, however, was not there to cheer me on. That sucked.

10:01: I do my monthly weigh-in. 163.5 pounds. The Gene Pool is billed as 16o pounds. Oops.

10:07: I walk into the living room dressed to go play the poker tournament at Harrah's. Mom doesn't like my choice of clothing: "What the fuck are you wearing?" I had long sleeves on. The casino is cold. Shivering cold.

10:08: I eat the breakfast of champions: five biscuits. One more and I could have hit a homer.

10:18: I leave for the casino. I realize I will be cutting this close. I had to make a stop as well.

10:20: I see two guys standing outside an occupied building that is for lease on Jeff Highway and Second Street. The building hasn't been used for like five years when it was a Chinese buffet. I have the same thought I always have when I see a new building going up or people looking to start a new business: I hope it will be a Waffle House. I love Waffle House, but there isn't one in the area. What's up with that?

10:38: I come to the end of River Road and hold my breath. Yes. There is no train passing. I can still make it.

10:56: I enter the Harrah's parking lot. Damn people take forever to park. Keep hitting the gas pedal until you see an open space. Is it that difficult?

11:01: I lied to my body. I sprinted from the parking lot to the registration spot. Ouch. The guy in front of me tells me you can sign up until 11:20. Well, shit.

11:03: I get my first hand of the tournament. Queen-3. Fold. That was a sign of things to come. 

11:47: I play my first hand when I wasn't a blind by calling $100 (not real money - just chips) with 7-10 of spades. Five people in the pot. No raise. The flop: A-spade, 10-heart, 3-heart. Nobody bets. The turn: 3-spades. I have middle pair and a flush draw. Someone bets $200. Two callers, including me. River: J-hearts. I fold. 

11:52: I'm out of the tournament. And I really only played two hands. Let's explain, and you tell me if this is a bad play. I have $4,300 chips; you start with $5,000. It's still early in the tourney. I'm big blind ($100) and have 9-10. Two seats over from me raises to $300. Three people call. Small blind folds. I think about it and call. 

The flop: 10-Q-K rainbow. I check, expecting someone to bet so I can fold and move on with my $4,000, which is fine. I just need to continue being patient and hit a hand. Everyone checks. The turn: 9. I have two pair, but I am still ready to fold because there is a one-card straight on the board. Maybe if there's a small bet and one person calls in front of me, I'd have good pot odds to call and hope to make a boat on the river. But everyone checks again. In my head, I wonder what the person who raised has: low pocket pair? pocket 9s? A-Q? A-J? These all make sense.

The river: 10. I channel Frank Barone: Holy Crap! I have a full house. I'm first to act and bet out $300, which is a small bet. I have a made hand and am hoping to get a call or two, especially from someone with a jack for a straight. To my surprise, the raiser pushes all-in. The other three players quickly fold. I say call and slam my cards down on the table. He turns over pocket queens (as Sam Farha would say, he had queens in his hand) for a bigger full house. Wow is right.

As I leave the table shaking my head, I think about the hand. That was not the greatest play by the guy who won the hand. With that flop, he should have bet big to drive out somebody with a jack. Slow playing trip queens was a mistake. If he bets that flop, I fold. On the turn, he probably has to check because one of those other three players most likely caught him with a straight. I then wonder if it was at all possible to fold after the raiser went all-in.  

1:11 p.m.: I return home just in time to miss Edmonds hit a two-run homer for a 4-0 Cubs lead.

1:18: Mom looks out the window. "I got to go out in this shit." She had to go to the dentist. See today's TCC.

1:24: I call David to discuss the auction fantasy draft we are having. I tell him I'll get there early to help him set up. (Note: I typed that sentence at 5:11. The draft is at 6. So much for being early.)

1:33: I call Derry for advice on how to set up our auction draft. He answers and says he was just bringing up the The Gene Pool on his phone. Awesome. He says calling the all-in wasn't a bad play and just about anybody would have been knocked out on that hand. And he says the guy who beat me is a moron. 

2:20: It is pouring outside, and I can only imagine what mom is thinking at the dentist office. The weather channel flashes this long description of the conditions. It says that rainfall rates of an inch to an inch and half will be common. They couldn't add "a" before half? That lazy, huh?

2:32: I fix lunch. Leftover ribs, corn and some brownies. Delish.

2:37: An overcast sky goes away at Turner Field and out comes the sunshine. Len tells Brenly: I told you I didn't smell rain today. I need to hire Len so my mom doesn't freak out every time it threatens to rain. 

2:52: I finish my first bottle of water for the day. 

3:16: Mom gets home. "It's fucking flooded on the other side of Jefferson Highway. An 18-wheeler missed the turn and went right into the ditch."

3:26: Mom updates me on a soap storyline. She doesn't notice me typing notes on my laptop as she's talking. Chloe has a crush on Kane; Kane can't stand her; He's engaged to Lily; Chloe gets pregnant by random guy; She wants it to be Kane's baby; He gets drunk; She drives him "home" and parks the car in the middle of nowhere; Undresses both of them; When they wake up in morning she says they had sex; A few days later she says she's pregnant with his kid; Lily and Kane not buying it; Kane takes blood test; Gets result in mail; Kane is the father; Chloe comes over and gloats. Mom concludes: What the fuck? I can't figure out how the test results could say the baby is Kane's. She must have done something. Chloe is a real bitch.

3:34: CUBS WIN! CUBS WIN! (For Derry: The sky is the limit for this team.)

4:06: Mom says: "You can tell school is back in. Fucking traffic."

4:19: I'm aggravating mom. Apparently, the entire day wasn't jam-packed. "Find something to do. (Pauses) With your fucking sweater on." It's a long sleeve shirt, mom. The house is freezing.

4:46: My friend Doug IMs me to tell me he's at Turner Field. He's contemplating coming out of the left-field stands and tackling Soriano in Game 2. Sore loser. I had a feeling Doug might be in Atlanta before he IMed me. He has a knack for planning to attend games that get rained out, like Tuesday night. One time, we went to Zephyr Field for a game; it was canceled because the other teams' equipment had not arrived yet. Crazy stuff.

5:16: I stop typing what I have so far for this running diary of Hump Day and head over to David's to plan for the draft. Like mom says to me all the time: "You're always in a fucking hurry."

5:18: Mom: You're leaving now? It's the worst fucking time of the day to be driving.

5:21: I leave. But not before changing my shirt after a third complaint about the "sweater."

5:22: I realize I went the wrong way down the street and turn around.

5:29: I go to break the law and text Amanda to ask her how her last day of work went. I realize I don't have my phone. As mom would say: "You would forget your fucking head if it weren't attached to your shoulders." As I'm jotting this note down on my pad, I wonder if it is illegal to write while driving. Hmm.

5:38: I finish my second bottle of water.

5:46: I arrive at David's. Not very early but in enough time to plan the draft.

5:51: David shows me the chart he set up with each person's name and empty roster to

be filled. I ask him who Ryan is. I didn't know there was a Ryan in the league or in our circle. It's Jaubert (remember he's the guy that will laugh at anything from the Office comparisons). I don't think I've ever called him by his first name and sometimes forget that his name is Ryan Jaubert and not Joe Bear. (From left: a thinking Jacob, a naughty Allen, a contemplative Paul, a smiling Ricky, a laughing (as usual) Jaubert, and Bert, who smiles as if this picture is going in a prom collage.)

6:36: David and I move a table from the living room into the office where the draft is to commence. Someone tells us that we need to turn it sideways. David: "That's what she said."

6:43: David starts explaining the rules to everyone. But he can't get many words 

in because several of the other are making that's-what-she-said jokes. (The commish caught in a moment of surprise).

6:54: With the first pick in the 2008 "Rectum? Damn Near Killed 'Em!" fantasy auction draft, the Omega-YourMomma's select Ben Utecht. Tight end of the Cincinnati Bengals (though Allen kept saying throughout the night that he plays for Arizona) for $1.

6:55: I feel like I'm bidding at one of those charity dating auctions you see in the movies.

6:57: I win an auction battle with Paul for Tom Brady. Got him for 46 points. We started with 200.

7:09: I pull the ultimate fantasy double-whammy. I get LaDainian for 73 points. Champ-ion-ship. (Coming tomorrow: a quick breakdown of my roster.)

7:19: Bad Saints pick of the draft: Ricky takes Shockey for 30 points. Unfortunately, this is not in the top 5 worst fantasy moves made by Ricky in our league's history.

7:23: I don't know what player they were bidding on, but here's the bidding numbers shouted.

Jaubert: 26

Ricky: 27

Jaubert: 30

Ricky: 28

8:03: We take a pizza break. A Pizza Mia break, in fact.

8:07: I see Paul sitting on a chair in the corner. He must have punished himself for letting me pick Tony Romo for 30 points and not bidding higher. (I was trying to drive up the price and ended up with him. Now, I have two of the top QBs.) Paul's thinking: It's really unfair. That's my draft pick. That's my quarterback. 

8:09: Paul breaks the chair. One of the great moments I've ever seen live. And the greatest moment I've ever seen where I had my camera in my hand. You can see part of the broken leg next to Paul's left thigh. Coincidentally, Jaubert picked this moment not to laugh. Though he did laugh when we asked him why he wasn't laughing. In Paul's defense, Bert had said he heard it creaking a little earlier when he sat on it. Too bad Paul didn't hear that.

8:42: David and Bert make a big $5 side bet on which of their players will have a better fantasy year in our league. David's Adrian Peterson vs. Bert's Steven Jackson. We'll have to keep tabs on this one, folks.

9:15: McFadden goes for five points. And we're playing a keep-him-forever keeper league.

9:23: I draft Ricky Williams for $1. Welcome home, buddy. 

9:46: David takes Hasselbeck for $1, and the auction is over. We have 12 roster spots, and eight people in the league. These are the players drafted for $1: Joey Galloway, Kellen Winslow, Rudi Johnson, Marc Bulger, Brandon Marshall, David Garrard.

10:00: David and Bert move the table back to the living room.

Bert: We have to turn this sideways?

David: That's what she said.

10:15: Bert and Jacob are stopped two cars behind me in the next lane at the Airline-David Dr. light. CCR is playing on the radio, and I sing out the chorus to the Miller brothers. "I want to know: Have you ever seen the rain?" I get a strange look from the guy in the car next to me.

10:23: I arrive home to grab a water and some Skittles for the movie. I check my phone to see all the important phone calls I missed. No calls. Just a text message from Lopes: No skittles in the machine. The jig could be up.

10:46: Tropic Thunder starts.

12:24 a.m.: I finish my third bottle of water.

12:25: Tropic Thunder ends. (Review tomorrow.)

1:07: I check the scores and see that the Cubs won the second game of the doubleheader. I have this theory that 80 percent of doubleheaders are split. Don't know how to check that, though. But if the Cubs can buck that stat, the sky really is the limit for these boys. 

2:21: I finish typing the Hump Day diary and go about publishing and posting the pictures. Good night, everyone. I'm off to another water bottle and Season 2 of the Office. Hope you enjoy the Greek pick-and-roll.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

These happened last night after I posted.

Mom loves Big Brother. Can't get enough of it. One of the women on this season had twins just before going on the show. BB contestants are not allowed to interact with the outside world for the duration of their stay. "Who in their right fucking mind would leave twin 3-month-olds for three to six months? Then she turns down getting a letter from home for a vacation to Hawaii. What the fuck?"

Mom's back tooth broke. She had to go to the dentist today to get it fixed. She's not happy about the development.

"This is not a good sign. My fucking tooth broke off."

"They been taking X-rays of this motherfucker every three months. They didn't see the fucking hairline?"

To me: "Take care of your teeth. Gum disease runs in the fucking family."

THE DAILY TOP LIST

My top 5 sports movies that aren't based on a true story.

5) Caddyshack. 1980.

For members of another generation, this is probably No. 1. But I just like the other four more.

Memorable line: Carl Spackler: Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeeper, now about to become the Masters champion.

4) The Sandlot. 1993.

The best sports movie for kids. And I still enjoy it.

Memorable line: Babe Ruth: Heroes get remembered, but legends never die. Follow your heart kid, and you'll never go wrong.

3) Bull Durham. 1988.

From the opening monologue to Costner's speech about what he likes, this is a classic.

Memorable line: Skip: You guys. You lollygag the ball around the infield. You lollygag your way down to first. You lollygag in and out of the dugout. You know what that makes you? Larry!

Larry: Lollygaggers!

Skip: Lollygaggers.

2) White Men Can't Jump. 1992.

Outside of Hoosiers, the only basketball movie I've felt the need to watch again.

Memorable line: Gloria Clemente: Sometimes when you win, you really lose, and sometimes when you lose, you really win, and sometimes when you win or lose, you actually tie, and sometimes when you tie, you actually win or lose. 

1) Field of Dreams. 1989.

Makes you feel like dreams can come true. I always cry at the end. I've even read the book.

Memorable line: Moonlight Graham: Just once. To stare down a big league pitcher. To stare him down, and just as he goes into his windup, wink. Make him think you know something he doesn't. That's what I wish for. ... To run the bases - stretch a double into a triple, and flop face-first into third, wrap your arms around the bag. ... Is there enough magic out there in the moonlight to make this dream come true?