IN THIS CASE, I'D HAVE MY OWN OFFICE

After giving it some thought, I decided that maybe I was a bit too harsh yesterday in my Daily Top List on those who don't watch The Office. It's just that I get so caught up in the show. I can sit here and recite lines or discuss the intricacies of the show for hours (like why haven't they updated the intro since the first episode?). Which got me thinking. The Scranton branch has 16 employees in Season 4; I have in the neighborhood of 16 friends. Let's make some comparisons, shall we?

If you're counting at home, I did this already with the Scrubs cast and my co-workers. Chuck did this with the cast of Lost and his fellow friend bloggers. I'll try to do this again later with a separate group of people. Any ideas? Chuck, you should do something with the CTU workers. Perhaps comparing them to all your former bosses?

ME: Michael Scott. Regional Manager.

He's the star of the show. I'm the star of this blog. I dressed as Michael for my 24th birthday party. He often makes a fool of

himself. I've been known to do that. He thinks he is a laugh riot, especially with impressions. I think I'm a hoot. Michael has trouble with women. (Insert joke about me here.) Michael has a sentimental side; I'm all kinds of sentimental.

CHUCK: Jim Halpert. Assistant Manager.

A little strange because at the Maroon, I was second in command to Chuck. But bare with me here. Jim is the coolest character on the show. He's funny. He's popular with the other employees. He's tall and handsome. Chuck is the coolest cat I know. He's laugh-out-loud funny, he sits in an office all day - probably mocking his co-workers - and we all know he has Ricardo Montalban type looks.

MINKUS: Dwight Schrute. Assistant (to the) Regional Manager.

Dwight is a big nerd. Minkus is a big nerd (heck, I nicknamed him after the nerd character on Boy Meets World). They both wear nerdy glasses and love them some science fiction. Michael gives Dwight a hard time. I give Minkus a hard time. Dwight won an award for being a good salesman; Minkus soon will be a chemical engineer. Dwight is really creepy. Minkus once tried to steal a picture of Gillie from her dorm room when she wasn't there.

LOPES: Andrew Bernard. Sales representative.

Andrew goes by Andy. Lopes identifies himself on the phone as Andy when conducting interviews. Bernard had to go to anger management for punching a hole in the wall. Lopes missed a week of work after allegedly losing his temper and doing something mean to another employee. Bernard sucks up to Michael and always asks for advice. I've guided Lopes along the agate (work term) highway.

MY MOM: Stanley Hudson. Sales representative.

Stanley is a black man. My mom is hip to the black culture. Stanley always is doing the crossword puzzle. My mom attacks the crossword as soon as she wakes up. Finishes it on a regular basis, too. Stanley doesn't put up with Michael's shit (Did I stutter?). As you may or may not know, my mom often lays down the law to me.

JENNA: Phyllis Vance. Sales representative.

Phyllis is the nicest person at the branch. I don't think there is a mean bone in Jenna's body. Both of them are quiet. Just don't piss them off. K? Phyllis' man is in charge of a refrigerator company. Jenna's man is in charge of a newspaper.

NICK: Ryan Howard. Vice President for Regional Sales.

Ryan is sarcastic, especially when talking to the camera one-on-one. Nick was the first one to learn sarcasm on his block. Ryan wins an award for being the best looking employee. Two girls in New York would have given Nick a good-looking award (they were into him; he blew it). Funny enough, Ryan now works in New York. Ryan is Michael's boss. Nick was once my boss at the Maroon.

Well, that is it for the sales department. Before we continue this odyssey, let's take a brief break for a word from our favorite fowl mouth matriarch.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom and I are discussing a story in the Metro section about a crash in which the person that was hit by an 18-wheeler died. It wasn't the driver of the 18-wheeler's fault. "Even though it wasn't his fault, it goes against his driving record with the company. You get fucked whether it's your fault or not." (Plus, he has to live with killing someone for the rest of his life.)

My mom saw Fight Club for the first time. It was too intense for her. "Brad Pitt smacks Ed Norton, and then they start this club. What the fuck?"

My mom does her shopping at Winn Dixie and Wal-Mart because neither store has everything she needs. "I got to shop at two fucking stores."

My mom is talking about Dark Night. First, Heath Ledger died. Then, Morgan Freeman got into an accident. And Christian Bale allegedly beat up his family. "Now, they're saying the movie is fucking cursed."

CHECK THE BOOKS (THE OFFICE CONTINUATION)

JAUBERT: Oscar Martinez. Accounting.

They are both accountants. They both have Hispanic heritage. They both keep quiet and appreciate a good joke. Well, Jaubert appreciates any joke. Really any words. The boy will laugh at anything. Seriously.

KEVIN: Kevin Malone. Accounting.

Malone likes to play games in the office. Ello organized our flag football team. Neither are scared to put down the food. They both can tell you the spread for every football game coming up on the weekend and like to bet them. Don't know how many M&Ms Ello can fit in his mouth, though.

LISA: Angela Martin. Accounting.

If either lost any weight, we might not be able to see her. Angela is obsessed with cats - getting portraits of them, talking about them and playing with them. Lisa's facebook picture for a few days was of her and her cat. Very cute. Both are intimidating: Angela with her stare, Lisa with her elbow and face paint. Lisa, however, would probably not appreciate being called Monkey.

UP YOUR NOSE WITH A RUBBER HOSE, FAVRE

I'll be super excited if the Bucs get Favre. I don't fear him. I think he's going to be terrible. This can only hurt the Bucs. They might as well just declare the Saints division champs right now. Though the way this story has developed, I wouldn't be surprised to see Favre a) join the Bucs; b) go back to Green Bay and compete for the job; c) be given the starting job in Green Bay; d) end up with the Jets or even the Vikings; e) stay retired; f) become an announcer for FOX; g) start his own team.

I hope his consecutive games started streaks ends as well. And I hope the Saints do the damage.

While I'm Favre bashing, did everyone just forget that this football god/hero was addicted to painkillers?

DUNDER MIFFLIN ... THIS IS PAUL.

PAUL: Pam Beesly. Receptionist.

I'm not making a Paul-is-a-girl joke here. Although I could. Pam is a receptionist, but her dream job is to be a professional artist. Paul is a Palace manager, but his dream job is to be a professional artist. Pam seems talented on the show. Paul is talented. For real. I'm having him work on a drawing right now for The Gene Pool. (Note: Jelly reminds me of Pam.)

KELLY: Kelly Kapoor. Customer service.

They share the same name. They both get ultra-excited over anything. Big smiles. A little jumping. A lot of clapping. Kapoor went into a bad way when Ryan dumped her. My Kelly didn't handle the Bert break-up to well. They are both sassy as well.

BOB: Creed Bratton. Quality assurance.

Creed is an old man. Bob lives like an old man. Creed is a creepy old man. Bob might be a creepy old man in the future. They both have been known to make inappropriate sexual remarks and are OK with lewd behavior. Creed is lazy at his job. Bob wasn't exactly on top of things when he was Maroon editor for two semesters.

GILLIE: Meredith Palmer. Supplier relations.

Meredith is the office drunk. You should have seen Gillie at her 21st (is that the right one?) birthday party. It wasn't pretty. Interesting night though. Meredith is also a sex addict of sorts. The first four letters of Gillie's last name: D-I-C-K.

DANNY: Darryl Philbin. Warehouse manager.

Darryl runs the show downstairs in the warehouse. Danny once applied to work in the press room at the T-P, which is the warehouse of the newspaper. Darryl has been known to lay down some funky beats. Danny was in the Brother Martin band. Plus, Darryl is not shy about mocking Michael. Neither was Danny when it came to mocking me at the Maroon.

DAVID: Toby Flenderson. Human resources.

Toby has zero self confidence and always has his head down. David's life motto: Trying is the first step towards failure (I know, it's toward, but that is straight off his facebook profile). Toby and Michael are rivals on the show. David and I are often put on opposite teams when we play games. Toby tries to keep everyone in line, especially Michael. David prevented me from stealing that buzzer thingy at Olive Garden.

PARTING SHOTS

I'm getting ready to leave the house and walk into my room to turn the TV off. There's an MLS (Major League Soccer) game on, and I hear (I'm pretty positive on this) the announcer say:

"(The goalie's name) just threw the ball to midfield like he was Drew Brees."

(How awesome is that?)

I walk into Fresco's for the August Yat-Together (much more on this in the next two days) on Wednesday night. I sit down.

Kelli: Gene, you look like you've gained weight.

(Ouch, Kelli. Very ouch.)

THE DAILY TOP LIST

My top 5 Mel Gibson movies. (I've never seen Braveheart. Sorry.)

5) What Women Want. 2000.

I love Marisa Tomei. I wish I had Mel's gift in this movie. Though I would need an on/off button for it.

4) Lethal Weapon 4. 1998.

The exception to the stop-making-sequels rule. Funny. Action-packed. I can watch this over and over and still laugh.

3) Maverick. 1994.

I've tried to pull the ace of spades out of a deck a thousand times. Nothing.

2) Lethal Weapon. 1987.

My favorite cop movie. Riggs and Murtaugh have perfect balance as a duo.

1) Conspiracy Theory. 1997.

One of my favorite movies. I need a little bit more Geronimo in my life. Thinking of this movie gets "Can't Take My Eyes Off You" stuck in my head.