ALL PLAY AND NO WORK ... 

I was off Tuesday and felt out of place at home watching poker on ESPN. That's mainly because I had worked 11 of the previous 12 nights. Don't feel sorry for me. I'm not complaining. I work in the sports department for crying out loud. The hours are nice. The people are nice. The water is free. Note: I might feel a little different when football hell starts in a few weeks.

But you know what I miss most about not being at work right now? I can't work on my proof shooting game. Whenever I'm done with a proof, I like to ball it up and shoot for the trash can (just like I shoot for the stars in life). This picture was taken from where I line up my shot. You can barely see it, but the trash can 

is right before the walkway to the right up against that gray cubicle thingy. It's not an easy shot. 

At first, my shot developed slower than O.J.'s investigation to find the real killer. I almost gave up. I was missing so much it seemed as though I was littering and needed to be fined. I kept practicing, though. And eventually the shots started falling. Now, I am shocked when I miss. I've made 14 of my past 15 shots. Sometimes, the proof goes straight in. Sometimes, I bank it off the cubicle thingy. I like to think it injects a little life into the shift. Next, I'm working on my hook shot. Once I master that, I'm thinking Bird vs. Magic in that old McDonald's horse commercial: Off Marcus' head and in, baby. 

What I don't miss about being at work tonight (besides the obvious reason), is the red light  

I catch every night on the way home. The quickest way for me to get home is on the Earhart. When I get off it, I have to wait at this mother-trucker. No cars are coming from the other way. And yet I wait for more than two minutes at this light. I used to just go after stopping for a second. But then that nice police officer informed me that the move was illegal and told me not to do it again. He was scary. I listened. On this night, I had time to slowly roll to a stop, then open my bag, dig through for my camera, turn it on, wait for it to start-up, take the picture, delete it, take a better one, turn off the camera and put it back in my bag. 

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

Mom was trying to write down the name of a product from the TV but couldn't make out all the letters. "When I pause it, I can't see the fucking number."

Mom and I went driving around today. We bought 3 Doors Down tickets at Major Video (they still charge that ridiculous convenience charge in person) and some DVDs at Best Buy (the Vets store rang up my Circuit City ad right away with no problem). We stopped at the bank and had lunch at Louisiana Purchase. Actually a pretty nice little afternoon. We didn't, however, have enough time for Bed Bath & Beyond (that one was for you, Jelly). Here's all the cursing that went down during the trip. I brought my pad with me. 

On her family when learning my cousin no longer speaks to her dad (mom's brother): "The whole fucking family is pathetic."

On the tragic Who concert from back in the day: "They sold general admission to the whole fucking thing. Sixteen people died." (I looked this up. 11 people died. But still.)

On leaving the Major Video parking lot: "How the fuck am I going to get out of here?"

On being stuck in the turning lane on Vets near Causeway: "I've got to get out of this lane. Everyone is fucking turning here."

On why I was writing so much down on my notepad: "What the fuck are you writing?" (I escaped her knowing about this once again. The secret is safe. Whew.)

On getting all the way across Vets coming from the bank: "It's fucking impossible. Ain't no fucking way." (She made it across. Calling Adidas. Calling Adidas. There is your next impossible is nothing commercial. Tina getting all the way across the fucking highway.)

On the tickets being given by the cameras on Vets: "They ought to try and catch a fucking murderer instead."

I BARELY DIDN'T VOMIT

Ever see the commercial for Larry Flynt's Hustler Barely Legal strip club on Bourbon? It's awful. If I didn't want to go to a strip club before, this commercial certainly is keeping me away. 

It features three unattractive, underage-looking girls in Catholic schoolgirl outfits. One walks into the club from the street and joins the other two. They then do this horrible, supposed-to-be sexy dance that couldn't turn on a man if he just came from the big house after serving for 20 years. Then, when you thought it couldn't get any worse, they pretend to lick these oversized lollipops. The lollipops are real. They just don't lick them. Yuck.

What the heck were these people thinking making this? If you want to advertise a strip club, take your hottest strippers (there are some, I've seen them standing on Bourbon), put them in bikinis, have them swing around the pole and blow a kiss at the camera. The Barely Legal commercial is like advertising a gun show coming to town by showing 10-year-olds having a water-gun fight.

BETWEEN YOU AND ME

I hear and read the word between misused way too much, usually when "from" should be used instead. In deciding who goes first in a game, people will often play "pick a number." The person asking, however, often says, "Pick a number between 1 and 10." Well, that rules out 1 and 10 because they are not between 1 and 10 but in fact are 1 and 10. And I'm positive the person means to include 1 and 10 as options. The person should say, "Pick a number from 1 to 10." Though when I think about it, the person that decides what the number is rarely picks the lowest or highest number available as the answer. Except me. I'm crafty that way.

The other way to misuse between is in counting years. I correct this error all the time when reading sports stories. The teams played six times between 2002 and 2006. This implies that the teams played six times during the years of 2003, 2004 and 2005. But the intended meaning of the sentence includes 2002 and 2006. Thus: The teams played six times from 2002 to 2006. How difficult is that?

PARTING SHOTS

Many poker hands have names. Some are named after poker players, some I'm not sure of the origin. But I heard my favorite name for a hand while watching poker Tuesday night.

Norman Chad: Down in Miami, they (affectionately) call the deuce-seven (which by the way is the worst hand you can start with) The Perfect Season after the undefeated '72 Dolphins.

Holy crap. That is awesome. This could cost me a lot of money. 

I had dinner with Bert and Kelly on Tuesday. I tell them that Amy is engaged.

Kelly: What? I didn't even know she was dating anybody.

Me: Who did?

This isn't a great parting shot in and of itself. But it was the third time I had this exchange with someone.

THE DAILY TOP LIST

The final installment of my Top 40 shows of all-time. These are the big boys.

5) 24. Seasons: 6. Episodes: 144. 2001-present.

The most intense show I've ever watched. Once you start watching, it's like the rest of the world doesn't exist. I was behind when I got into this show. I watched all 144 episodes from Jan. 15 to May 23 (128 days) in 2006. Biggest other fan I know: Chuck. 

4) The Office. Seasons: 4. Episodes: 66. 2005-present.

The best comedy of the decade, and it's not even close. Except for some reason, the show seems to be lost on people older than 30, so it won't reach elite pop culture status. If someone my age tells me he doesn't watch it or like it, I lose a lot of respect for him. If you haven't seen it, I dare you to watch the first two episodes and not demand to borrow the rest of the seasons to watch. Has a chance to move up. Biggest other fan I know: Paul.

3) Saved by the Bell. Seasons: 4. Episodes: 87. 1989-93.

Say what you want, but everyday when I got home from school, I turned on TBS and watched this show. I wanted to be Zack, and I wanted to marry Kelly. In many ways, I still do. Biggest other fan I know: Gillie. 

2) Friends. Seasons: 10. Episodes: 236. 1994-2004.

This is the show I know the most about. About 1/3 of my lines come from it. I can't really explain how I much I love this show in this space. It's borderline scary. Biggest other fan I know: Kelly.

1) The Dick Van Dyke Show. Seasons: 5. Episodes: 158. 1961-66. 

This has been No. 1 since I was 11. I love slapstick comedy, and Dick was the king. I'm searching for my very own modern-day Laura. So if you know anyone... Biggest other fan I know: the Emmys. The show won for best sitcom four times.