WHO WAS ON FIRST? NOBODY.

With several people having moved back to town recently, I got an idea to start having Sports Saturdays in the early afternoon before I head to work. The first one, baseball, was scheduled for today at Jefferson Playground.

I sent out a text message mid-week to about 15 people. I got a couple of confirmations, several maybes and the rest didn't respond. I showed up at 12:20 p.m., 10 minutes early, to set up and hit a few balls by pitching to myself.

Among the highlights:
-- I hit a ball over the fence in left-center (295 feet). Of course, I was standing at the shortstop position when I tossed the ball up to myself.
-- From home plate, I one-hopped the fence in left center. Really got into that one.

At 12:45 p.m., Bert and his dad showed up. This gave us a total of three people. With Little Joe calling in earlier to say he was running late, our total was at least going to reach four.

However, no one else made an appearance. And it started pouring down rain (which would be a cool name for The Gene Pool wrestler's finishing move) at 12:55 p.m., completely drenching the field. We left. Even though it stopped raining at 1:30, the field would have probably been to wet to play.

In the 10 minutes of Bert, his dad and me playing, we hit a softball. On one pitch from Bert, his dad chopped a hard grounder down the third baseline. I took two quick steps from playing shortstop and made a diving stab before rising quickly to my feet and fake throwing to first.

After Bert's dad finished his turn, I hit two softballs. One of them landed five feet into the grass in right-center, practically homer distance using a softball. After I popped up the second ball, the rains came, and the game was over. I called Joe and told him don't bother.

So, the first edition of Sports Saturdays didn't go so well. That ain't stopping me, yo. Next week is football. Be there, baby.

Rain or shine.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER

My mom said something kind of offensive today. I hope no one gets upset. "I should have been born black male in the 1800s. I feel like a fucking slave."

ON THIS DATE IN GENE POOL HISTORY

2008: I didn't get a price discount at Best Buy. I met someone named Areil. And JRap put me in my place by responding to my smugness with this comment: "Why don't you go take a crap and smoke a cigarette?"

PARTING SHOT
We're discussing Greek Mythology.

Me: What happens when Atlas dies? You know the guy holding up the Earth?
Brick: Gravity takes over.
Me: I don't know if the Greeks believed in things like that.
Derry: Well, then Apollo comes over and says, 'If he dies, he dies.'
Brick: Apollo didn't say that in Rocky.
Derry: Yeah, but Drago isn't in Greek Mythology.
Me: Sure he is. He's the god of the uh ...
Brick: Oysters.