MY POOR, BEAUTIFUL CAR

My phone rang at 8 a.m. this morning, and I answered it in a drunken daze. OK. I haven't had alcohol since Friday night, but I probably sounded like I was in a drunken daze.

It was the guy whose wife's car I hit the previous day. You remember that accident, right? The one where I fucked up my 2-year old car. I was hoping to avoid him filing a claim against my insurance by paying for his damage out of pocket.

Guy: "Yeah. I just had the car looked at. It's going to be $3,200 to fix. What do you want to do?"
Me (in my head): Seriously? Oh, yeah. Fine. Let me just write a quick check for ya there. No problem.
Me (out loud with a sigh): Just go ahead and claim it.

As for my car, we went down to Champs Collision to talk to the GEICO man about the extent of my demolishing. He said I need a new bumper, fender and hood but that I didn't fuck up anything internally.

Tina: What about the paint job? Is it going to be the same color?
GEICO guy (deadpanned): Uh. Unfortunately, the only color we have for that kind of car is purple.

They say it will take two weeks to fix as the parts must came from our friends in Germany. The good news is that the car should look as good as new, though I highly doubt that. And who knows the effect this is going to have on my insurance. (I'm paying $500 of the repair damage.)

Oh, boy. I can't wait to find out.

THE TINA CURSING CORNER
My mom's favorite topic of discussion Tuesday was, you guessed it, the wreck.

"You wrecked your fucking car like it was a little fucking toy."

"Fucking Volkswagon crumples like a fucking whore in church."

Mom was miffed by the actions of the cop Monday. "What the fuck was up with asking where you work? What the fuck difference that make? Only in Harahan."

Early Tuesday, mom was worried about Champs being able to get the parts. "Your car is only made every five fucking years." (Thus, the importing from Germany.)

Mom thought the damage was much worse than it turned out to be. "Your door is fucked up. Your bumper is fucked up. Your panel is fucked up. Your hood is fucked up." (OK. So, she was only wrong about the door part.)

We find out that it will be two weeks before my car is fixed. "Two weeks. Motherfuck."

Mom finally talks about something else. "Going to the dentist tomorrow. Whole left side needs to be fucking deadened." And then. "Where's my fucking hair dryer? They been having it for two weeks. When they sending me a new one?"

FORTUNE (WELL, NOT REALLY) COOKIE

At lunch at P.F. Chang's on Monday afternoon, Minkus got an interesting fortune. I took it from him. It is my current motto. It reads: "The problems of today will soon be buried by the sand of time." I'm keeping that in my pocket for the time being.

PARTING SHOT
Derry is reading a story.

Derry: Why does he have to use 'But' to start another sentence every time. This should be one sentence.
Brick: Maybe he gets paid by the period.
Derry: I wish my wife did.